


Love My Soul Can Reach (I think I made you up inside my head)

by mylifeisloki, xo_stardust720



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Avengers (2012)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-09-01 22:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 50,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16774447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylifeisloki/pseuds/mylifeisloki, https://archiveofourown.org/users/xo_stardust720/pseuds/xo_stardust720
Summary: 'It won't be love at first sight when we meet; it'll be love at first remembrance.'





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos to Sylvia Plath and Shakespeare for the title, and Rupi Kaur for the summary. And a huge, huge thank you to @xo_stardust720 for coming up with this awesome idea and continuing to be an absolute pleasure to work with.

Life can change in the blink of an eye.

When Steve opened his eyes, he knew something was different. He wasn’t being born all over again; no, it felt like he was being willed into being, like he had been dragged kicking and screaming back into the light from the comfort and safety of darkness. Squinting against the brightness around him, he sat up and rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand.

_Where am I?_

A figure came towards him and he had to shield his eyes for a moment before she came into focus and he froze right there on the floor.

_It can’t be. How-- How--_

Sarah smiled as she knelt before him. Gone were the telltale signs of her illness; she was bright eyed and flush with the color of health and happiness. She looked beautiful.

“Hello, Steve.”

He couldn’t figure out what was happening, but he lunged forward to wrap his mother up in a hug regardless of the circumstances that were allowing him to have this moment with her. She smelled exactly the way he remembered her; like the sterile smell of a hospital mixed with butter and warmth and goodness. Steve never wanted to let go.

He pulled back slightly, his eyes searching hers. “How is this possible?”

She ran her hand through his hair in a familiar gesture, like how she used to when he was a child, and tears sprang to his eyes.

“Mama, am I dead?”

Sarah looked like she wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to sit there and talk to him about everything that was happening to him, explain little details so he wouldn’t be scared anymore, make him feel better. But Steve knew, somehow, that she wasn’t going to tell him anything at all.

“That’s not for me to tell you, Stevie.”

Accepting her response was much easier than Steve might have anticipated. He nodded quietly and let her take his hand to pull him onto his feet with her. He had to be dead, right? Why else would he be seeing her? The implications of it all would make him dizzy if he gave himself time to think about it, so he just… didn’t. It was easier that way.

Together, they walked forwards and things began to materialize little by little.

Steve recognized where they were almost immediately.

“Figures,” he huffed. “I’m dead and the first place my mind goes is right back home.”

The familiar streets of his neighborhood back in Brooklyn were just the way he remembered them; kids ran and played in the streets, women beat the dust out of their rugs on the front porches… He could even smell the sort of home cooking he would always associate with the Irish and Romanian and Italian immigrants living on his street. It smelled like home just as much as Sarah did and he leaned into it for comfort just to avoid slipping into shock.

Sarah smiled beside him. Now that he’d had the serum, he towered over her in a way he never had while she was alive. “Everyone’s got their own idea of Heaven, honey.”

“Bucky always described it as lots of naked women.”

“You make sure to tell Winnie that when you see her.”

Steve’s head snapped to the side. “Is she dead?”

“No,” Sarah answered easily. “Not yet, anyway.”

“So I _am_ dead,” he said quickly.

“I didn’t say that.”

Steve pouted beside his mother as she led him down the street towards the park. Despite the fact that everything looked exactly as it should, there was an indescribable feeling Steve just couldn’t shake. He wasn’t _sad_ , but the realization that everyone around him was also dead if he was indeed the same… shook him, just a little bit. It was Heaven, everyone was doing everything they wanted to do, but there was still a small reminder at the back of his head that all these people had left their loved ones behind.

Speaking of which--

“She was a good match for you, wasn’t she?”

Steve frowned. “What?”

Sarah gave him a look. “Peggy. She was a good match, but not a perfect match.”

“How did you even know I was thinking about her? And what do you mean? She might have been the One--”

“No, I’m afraid not. She wasn't your soulmate.”

Steve tried to swallow that down while they made their way into the park. Peggy wasn’t his soulmate. And apparently there were such things as soulmates? And apparently his mother just _knew_ things---

“It’s probably better for you if you don’t try to figure out the details,” she said quietly. “It saves a lot of time if you just accept things the way they are. Then you can start to move forward.”

“Move forward?” Steve was exasperated. “I’m _dead_! How much more moving forward can there be?”

Near the center of the park, they came upon a large fountain. Steve frowned for a moment as his mother took a seat on the edge. “This isn’t Prospect Park,” he said slowly. “Where are we?”

“This is your Heaven, Steve. Why don’t you tell me?”

Standing in front of her, he took a good look around and smiled to himself. “It’s Central Park,” he mumbled. “So we walked from Brooklyn into the city…?”

Sarah sighed and stood up, eventually reaching up to take his cheeks in her hands. “Stop trying to understand _how_ and just try to appreciate what you have right now.”

Steve wanted to argue. He was never one to just _let things go._ There was an afterlife! He had so many questions -- how did he die? Was it painful? And just how did Heaven work? If he wanted something, could he just think something up and it would appear in front of him? Could he eat? The list of questions seemed endless in Steve’s book.

So far the afterlife wasn’t quite what he expected; though to be fair, Steve had never really given a serious thought to what life would be like after one died. As he and his mother continued walking along the pathway, Steve was taking in all the familiar sights around him as they moved. The sun was shining bright and smells of sizzling hot dogs filled the air. It was uncanny, how much his Heaven resembled New York City. How at home he felt. And he couldn’t deny the utter joy he felt at being able to see his mother again.

“So Ma, how’ve you been? What have you been doing all this time?”

Sarah let out a joyful laugh. “Oh my darling, you haven’t changed one bit. How glad I am to be able to just talk with you in person again!”

“Well, the last time we saw each other was a long time ago and the circumstances weren’t exactly great.” A memory of his mother in her hospital bed flashed through his mind.

Sarah patted his cheek fondly.

“All that’s in the past now,” she said warmly. “And I want to hear everything you’ve been through since then. I’ve been watching you, but I want to know how you feel about it. You’re so big now.”

Steve huffed out a laugh and ducked his head. “It feels weird,” he admitted. “I think I’m used to it, but it still feels like… the old me is swimming around inside or something. I don’t know, Ma. I just wanted to help, you know? And it feels like even with the damn serum, I’m failing all over the place.”

Sarah got this look on her face like she knew yet another thing he didn’t. “Take my word for it, Steve,” she said softly. “You haven’t failed the way you think you have.”

“What does that even mean?”

“You’ll find out soon enough.”

“I don’t remember you being this cryptic when you were alive,” he deadpanned.

Sarah wasn’t phased. “Heaven changes us. What can I say?”

The silence that stretched on between them was comfortable, but Steve kept thinking about what his mother had said. He’d find out soon enough? What could that mean? He _had_ failed! He’d let Bucky fall--

Sarah sighed. “I know you miss him.”

Steve was beginning to think that his thoughts were actually being broadcast out loud.

“I do,” he admitted. “It’s hard to remember sometimes that he’s gone.”

Sarah hummed a little bit and nodded. “Remember that all things have a reason behind them. _All_ things, even the ones that make us miserable.”

Steve frowned, but he nodded along with her. Right. Everything had a reason behind it, but he couldn’t exactly think of a reason why Bucky had to die. In fact-- “Wait, where is he? Haven’t you seen him here?”

“I haven’t.”

Steve’s brow furrowed immediately. If this was Heaven, where was Bucky? Because it couldn’t be that he had gone to the other place. It couldn’t be. There had to be another explanation.

Soon enough, with little to no explanation from his mother, Steve began to settle in to the reality of his situation. He was dead, this was his life (whatever that meant) right now. It was better than being in Hell, but he also couldn’t quite ground himself. He spent ages walking through the park with his mother just talking about everything from his childhood to the things he’d been through since then to all the people she’d met during her time in Heaven. If he was making this up because he’d gone nuts or something, he had to be some kind of genius just based on the level of detail.

The most harrowing experience happened one night while Steve was resting. Sarah had told him that a lot of people ‘rested’ when it was supposed to be nighttime since time didn’t quite work the same way in Heaven and they didn’t need to sleep at all. But Steve felt some comfort from trying, so he’d manifested himself a little bed and laid under a wide open sky that reminded him of Poland in the winter. That’s when he felt it.

The weather never really got to him unless it was something he wanted to feel. Steve had enjoyed rain on his cheeks and wind in his hair and even the sun on his bare shoulders, but it was never like this. He sat up with a strange feeling in his stomach and began to shiver violently, enough to prompt him to wrap his arms around himself for warmth. But it didn’t help. He was so cold that his teeth began to chatter, his whole body shaking from head to toe as flashes of something he couldn’t describe flew threw his mind.

After what felt like an eternity, it was gone and Steve was left more confused than ever.

The next time he and his mother were walking through the park, he decided to bring up his experience to her and see if she could offer some insight. Sarah seemed saddened by his description, but she said she couldn’t say why. It was just a feeling, she said.

Steve was still trying to encourage a better answer when a tingling sensation went through him and Steve’s attention shifted from his mother to a red door that suddenly materialized to his left. He couldn’t quite explain it, but he had an urge to go through it immediately. “Mama, what’s that?”

Sarah simply smiled. “You have to tell me, honey. All I see is white mist. What do _you_ see?”

“It’s a door.” It didn’t make any sense -- what was a door doing in the middle of Central Park?

“Oh,” Sarah replied as the red door now materialized in front of her and she could see it as well. “Well, isn’t this interesting?”

“Ma, can’t you tell me what’s going on? Why are you being so mysterious? What’s through that door?”

Instead of answering his questions, she took his arm. “Why don’t we find out?”

He looked at her questioningly before glancing at the door again, uncertainty filling him. The urge to open the door was strong though, and curiosity got the best of him. Slowly, he reached out and twisted the doorknob, pulling it open.

The sight that greeted him was pitch black.

At first, anyway.

As his eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, he could see a bedroom and the silhouette of a figure lying still on the bed. It was an odd sight: only one bed occupied in a room filled with many empty beds. The room was quiet, not a sound could be heard. Then after several minutes, the slightest of whimpers could be heard and the person gradually began thrashing about. Whoever this was, nightmares were beginning to invade their subconscious.

The unexplained impulse to comfort this person had Steve starting to move forward a couple of steps, but his mother’s hand on his arm stopped him as she tugged at him slightly. He halted and looked over at her questioningly. Sarah shook her head. “Not just yet.”

Fighting the urge to ignore his mother’s words, Steve stood frozen and watched with wide eyes as the figure bolted upright without warning, letting out a gasp as she did so.

It was a young woman, he could see that now.

Steve held his breath as he stared at her. Thanks to the serum running through his veins, his sharpened gaze could clearly see her petite frame outlined in the darkness, her slender shoulders hunched over at an odd angle as her erratic breathing began to settle. For the life of him, he could not explain why his heart suddenly began racing. He turned to his mother. “Who is she?”

His mother was clearly holding something back from him and he felt anger begin to seep in.

“Mama, who is she?” he repeated a little more urgently. He couldn’t understand the emotions that were beginning to trickle through him.

Sarah let out a sigh. “This is something you have to figure out on your own, I’m afraid. It’s all part of a bigger plan.”

_What does that mean?_

“Bigger plan? What… Am I supposed to help her or something?”

Silence.

Through the doorway, a small lamp was lit as the girl reached over to her nightstand for the glass of water that was sitting there. Now, with some light, Steve could clearly see the girl’s right arm handcuffed to the sturdy iron headboard. His heart lurched, and his anger intensified.

“Why is she chained up like that?! We need to get her out of there! She’s clearly being tortured!”

“Steve…”

“This isn’t right! You can see that, can’t you?”

Sarah stared up at her son. By now, Steve knew that even though his mother probably knew what was going on, she wasn’t going to tell him. She was being cryptic on purpose. He glanced once more at the girl. Her long red hair was in her face, so he couldn’t see what she looked like exactly, but he knew instinctively they were connected in some way. He was supposed to help her. He was certain of it down to his bones.

“Mama, tell me… how am I supposed to help her? I’m dead! It’s the end of the road for me. Please tell me _something_.” 

She was quiet for a moment, her eyes searching his. “Maybe this isn’t your ending, Steve. Maybe you’re just in the middle. Ever thought of that?”

* * *

Natalia bolted upright, her breathing erratic and her senses on high alert. The last visages of her nightmare was fading away as she slowly brought her left hand to her face to wipe away the sweat that had formed. The nightmares were coming more frequently now, invading her subconscious and quite frankly, it was beginning to make her angry. She couldn’t even really make sense of them; half of the things that she saw were unfamiliar to her, but they left her feeling empty and sad anyway.

Despite her innate instinct to ration the water at her bedside, she gulped down half of it before rubbing a hand over her face and slowly laying back down, her right hand elevated over her head as usual. Maybe it was the impending ceremony that was keeping her up at night.

No. The ceremony had to be done. It had to be done so she could graduate and prove herself to her superiors; it didn’t _matter_ how she felt about it because she shouldn’t feel any which way. She should accept her fate and move on because nothing she said or did was going to change it in the end.

It wasn’t a choice, it was _survival_.

If anything, Natalia was absolutely the best at surviving.

Turning out the light, she laid back down, stretched out on her bed, and pulled her covers back over her body. Letting out a sigh, she closed her eyes and tried her best to fall back asleep. She needed as much rest as she could for what would happen later on.

And that was when she felt it.

The little hairs on her body stood straight and she naturally stilled, slowly reaching under her pillow for the knife she kept ready at all times. She kept her breathing even, waiting for the inevitable attack.

Nothing happened.

She sat up, flipping the light on once more, and glanced around. There was nothing there. Not a shadow, not even a sound other than the loud thudding of her heart and her breath. Minutes passed and gradually her body relaxed and she tucked her knife back underneath her pillow and laid back down.

The presence was still there, and it was watching her.

It made her feel uneasy; strange but it was almost in a good way. She was used to being watched, and somehow instinctively she knew she wasn’t in any immediate danger. The more she focused on the feeling, the more she couldn’t deny that it was almost soothing. It wrapped around her, warming her more than her blanket ever could and she let out a soft sigh.

Perhaps she was just imagining things.

She fell back to sleep.

The next morning, Natalia was filled with a strange sense of calm. In the back of her mind, she didn’t want to do it, but she knew she didn’t have a choice and she wouldn’t dream of questioning the people in charge. Her masters knew what was best for her, that was how it always had been. The very idea that she was having doubts was abominable and _punishable_ by something much worse than the simplicity of death.

She forced herself to suck down the rest of the water on her bedside table once she was uncuffed and accepted the thin hospital gown thrust at her when she was done.

“Пора,” the woman over her said. There was no room for argument. It was time.

Natalia followed her chaperone out of the bedroom and down the hall to the room she’d yet to be invited into before now. It was already haunting her; the bright, white light, the sterile smell, the cold floor. She was barefoot and wished that she felt as ready for this as the masters said she would be when this all started. She wished she could remember why--

“Natalia.”

Her attention was called right back to the imposing man now standing over her with a mask over his mouth. He looked like a monster, like some otherworldly creature in green and white. He would haunt her nightmares after today, she was sure of it.

As the mask that would put her to sleep was placed over her mouth and nose, Natalia’s gaze shifted from the doctor to the nearly empty room behind him. For the first time since before she could remember, her eyes felt heavy, like she might just be able to squeeze out a couple of tears for her lost childhood, her lost chance at having a family, her very last something that might have taken her away from the people who’d made her who she was now.

But something happened as she was slowly beginning to relax thanks to the drugs being pumped into her system. She saw a man standing behind the doctor, at the other end of the room. He was sort of beautiful in a way; soft and glowing, but the light he gave off wasn’t anything like the harsh light in the room. It was… warm. Comforting. He looked like he was worried for her, his big, blue eyes filled with concern and his brow furrowed tightly.

Natalia lifted her head to get a better look and the doctor stopped her with a hand on her forehead to push her back down.

Her breathing slowed.

_“It’s alright.”_

The words floated on the air. She knew the figure she was staring at had said them, but she didn’t think she’d actually seen him speak. It wasn’t alright.

_“You’ll be alright.”_

Natalia wanted to ask him how he knew that, but her eyes slid shut and she fell into unconsciousness for now. She’d wake up to everything being just a little worse.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all the overwhelming responses to this story! We are completely enjoying working together and are glad everyone is enjoying our efforts!
> 
> If you're gonna leave comments, please let them be nice ones! Kudos appreciated :)

She _had_ to be alright. Steve had watched with absolute horror as the girl he’d found was led into a room for some kind of procedure. She looked completely blank for most of it and he couldn’t understand if it was a defense mechanism or if she was just conditioned to accept her fate.

Steve found himself wishing he was there so he could save her. He willed himself to just step back into the living world and pull her away from that quack doctor, off that table, back to safety.

...

Was she looking at him?

She _was_ looking at him. She was staring right at him!

Could she _see_ him?!

Steve glanced back and realized that he’d actually stepped _through_ the door, but he didn’t have time to think about that right now.

For the first time since he’d laid eyes on her, the girl-- Natalia, he’d learned --looked afraid. Steve didn’t know if she could hear him or if she actually saw him, but he said a prayer that she would be okay because it felt like if she wasn’t, his whole existence would be pointless. When she fell asleep, he made the decision to stay and find out what was going on like he could do anything about it. Unfortunately, he regretted what he learned in the long run.

While she was sleeping soundly, he moved to her bedside and really looked at her. He didn’t know when or if he would have another chance, so he might as well make the most out of this moment with her.

She was young, truly. He was guessing maybe eighteen, but he couldn’t tell for sure. Considering he’d watched her pull a knife from under her pillow the night before, she looked impossibly innocent with her eyes closed and her lips parted slightly in sleep. Deceptively innocent, he told himself. Maybe there was a reason for that. With his gaze locked onto her, Steve reached out to touch her cheek, but he couldn’t _feel_ her. There was a vague sense of warmth, but nothing else. It was a stark, horrible reminder that he wasn’t really there.

Before he could gather himself enough to try again, he heard his mother calling to him and somehow appeared back in Heaven. This time, they were in the kitchen of a little apartment very similar to his childhood home. Sarah had already laid out tea and cookies for him, so Steve took a seat to join her.

“I don’t suppose you wanna tell me what’s going on,” he started. “Why am I seeing her if I can’t do anything to help?”

“Think of her as your connection to another world.”

Steve frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What do you think it means?”

“I think you’re being purposefully evasive.”

Sarah chuckled lightly. “I’m not going to deny that.”

Steve sat back and plucked a cookie off the tray. “I have to protect her.”

“You can’t, Steve.”

He shook his head resolutely. “There’s gotta be a reason I can see her.”

“I didn’t say there wasn’t.”

With frustratingly little information to go on, Steve approached the red door with more than a little curiosity the next time. Apparently all he had to do was think about it in order for it to appear, but it would drop him into Natalia’s life without much warning about where he was going or what she was doing. When he stepped back in this time, he was in a dimly lit hallway so silent he could almost hear his non-existent footsteps. Venturing forward, he heard quiet classical music playing and followed that until he came to a closed door with a glass pane in the center.

Inside, there were young girls standing in neat rows and dancing as a woman counted for them. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. Their movements were beautiful and fluid, but there was a level of aggression to them as well. Steve watched in fascination as he tried to quell a growing sense of dread until he heard a man’s voice from down the hall and turned to follow that instead

“This is your first mission alone, Natalia,” the man said. “See that you make us proud.”

His words weren’t encouragement; Steve knew right away that they were a threat. In a room off to the side, he found Natalia sitting in a small chair at the center of the room with a large man standing over her. It felt like there was always a large man standing over her, controlling her, making her decisions for her. Steve fought down the urge to try to save her again.

The mistake was in thinking that Natalia couldn’t take care of herself.

A mere six hours later, he was standing with his hand over his mouth as Natalia interrogated and eventually killed the man she’d just apprehended moments earlier. He’d _watched_ as she shoved bits of metal under his fingernails and repeated her questions in a deadly calm tone. He’d watched her finally end his suffering with a quick twist of his neck, and he was _horrified_.

It wasn’t as though Steve hadn’t taken a life before, but he’d never tortured anyone. He’d never been so brutal as to stand and let someone suffer so he could get information from them. Apparently everything he’d been told about the Russians was true because what he’d seen was just brutal-- tactical and efficient, but brutal.

He was still in shock when she returned to her masters and reported in a cold voice that the ‘target’ had been ‘eliminated’. He was still in shock when Natalia told them everything she’d learned and took the verbal equivalent of a pat on the head before leaving them.

It didn’t end there.

The next time he saw her, Natalia had seduced a man attending a gala right into her bed. She was still sitting astride him with her dress bunched up around her waist when she pulled the knife and slit his throat, blood splattering her bare chest. Steve, who had averted his gaze the minute he understood what was happening, felt sick enough to leave her there and hide himself away for a while. Why was he seeing all this? And why in God’s name did he still feel an urge to help her?

With three more murders under her belt, Natalia reported to her masters again and this time, the goal was a lot more complicated than just killing her mark.

“We want you to keep him talking,” the man said. “Make yourself invaluable to him.”

Steve couldn’t admit to himself what they were asking her to do until he actually saw her doing it. The first clue should have been what she was wearing, to be honest. She’d put on a dress that was so tight, he knew for sure that she was going in unarmed as there was no knife strapped to her thigh. He watched with his heart in his throat as she approached an older man at a military installation where several similarly dressed women were present and sidled up to him.

Steve had never seen her laugh like that before. He knew she was beautiful, but if that was how she looked when she was _faking_ a laugh, he couldn’t imagine what she would look like in a moment of honest to God happiness.

“Don’t do it,” he said under his breath. “Just leave. Get out of there and _run_ \--”

But he knew they would find her. In the back of his mind, he knew. No one put that much effort into creating something and just let it get away from them. Their investment had to be paid off.

Before long, she was sitting in the man’s lap with her legs crossed and her arms draped over his shoulders. Steve felt like it shouldn’t have been possible for him to be as utterly crushed as he was right now; he just wanted her to walk away. He wanted her to make the right choice and if she couldn’t, he wanted to be there to drag her away by force.

It was like a train wreck for him; there was a sick sense of interest that kept him watching her all through the installation and further on, all the way back to the mansion where the man put his hands on her in ways that felt unnatural for reasons Steve couldn’t name. He watched, practically unblinking, as she let the old man kiss her neck and unzip her dress. And he wanted to look away- God knows that he wanted to turn his head, but it was like he was frozen in place.

But it wasn’t until she was straddling the other man in her neat lace lingerie that Steve just couldn’t take it anymore. It felt like he was going to explode from the sheer horror bubbling up inside him. It wasn’t _right_ and he didn’t know why, but it had to stop or he was going to lose his fucking mind.

“ _NO_!”

His scream seemed to echo off the walls of the room they were in and Steve stood there panting as Natalia’s head whipped around towards him. She stared at him like she was honestly startled, like she hadn’t ever expected him to actually make a noise. But she wasn’t surprised to see him; that was clear. She’d seen him before, back on the day of her graduation ceremony.

“Is something wrong?”

The man spoke up and Steve’s face fell as Natalia shushed him once, but ultimately didn’t move.

“Don’t--”

His voice seemed to fail him then. What was he supposed to say? She probably thought she was going crazy.

“Don’t do it,” he tried. “Please don’t.”

Natalia hesitated and apparently that was enough for the man to push her off him and accuse her of being ‘crazy’. When she clearly didn’t act like she was out of her mind, he accused her of something much worse-- namely of being exactly what she was --and had his guards drag her away. Natalia didn’t put up a fight, but she did stare somewhat accusingly at Steve while she was taken out. On the way home, however, she didn’t look at him at all and Steve was too shocked by the whole thing to actually speak. He stayed quiet thinking they might talk when she was in a secure environment, when she felt safe enough to engage with him. He was wrong.

If Steve could vomit, he was sure he would have.

Watching Natalia receive her punishment after her failure was hard to watch, but Steve forced himself to stay right by her side as one of her masters tortured her. As much as he knew it wouldn’t work, he had tried charging at the large man in front of him in an effort to protect her. He found himself materializing through him to the other side of the room just as the first lash landed on her bare back, watching with dread.

Technically, this whole situation had been his fault -- but how was he to know that Natalia had heard him scream out? This whole time he had assumed this connection was a one way thing and had no clue how she could have heard him.

This posed other questions. How had she been able to hear him? She had _looked_ at him. The shocked expression on her face had been unmistakable. Though it wasn’t verbal, the slightest movement of her actions indicated that she had heard him -- she had just been ignoring him this whole time. And that was another thing… why hadn’t she acknowledged him before? He’d been popping in and out of her life for some time now, albeit it was at odd times (and always at inconvenient times), but why hadn’t she tried to speak to him before? Perhaps she could only hear him during highly stressful moments...

Natalia let out cry as another lash landed on her back from the whip that her handler was currently holding. Steve felt sick to his stomach as he watched as blood began to seep out of the wound the lash had made, the color red looking impossibly bright against her pale skin in the dimly lit room. Her back was already littered with scars, some fresh and others not so much. As much as he wanted to look away, he wouldn’t let himself. 

“What have I told you about failing?” The man snarled, his anger was evident. Natalia knew better than to respond to the rhetorical question. She laid there, limp and obedient, taking her punishment as her handler saw fit.

Steve understood Natalia a little better now. _This_ was what was in store for her if she ever failed a mission. He was pretty sure that this punishment was just the tip of the iceberg… If he could barely handle watching it, how did it feel to be the one actually receiving the punishment? The only other alternative to this was _death_. Perhaps it was naive, but Steve hadn’t really considered the consequences of what would happen if Natalia didn’t follow orders.

Well, he knew now, and he hated every bit of it. It was a no-win situation for Natalia -- there was only survival. The urge to give her handler his own beating had never been so strong.

After what felt like hours, Natalia’s torture was finally over. Steve knelt onto the ground beside her, wishing he could offer her some kind of amenity. Her eyes were closed but he could hear her shallow breathing, which gave him little comfort. She was alive, but just barely and Steve would’ve done anything in that moment to save her from the reality she was in.

“N-Natalia?” he tried. “Hey, can you hear me?”

No response. Huh. So she couldn’t hear him.

“Natalia? Can you stand?”

Again, nothing.

“C’mon Nat...” He tried to keep his voice steady on the off chance that she could hear him. He had no idea why he had called her ‘Nat’ -- the nickname had just slipped out, rolling off his tongue easily as if he was always meant to be calling her that. “You need to get up, get those wounds looked at. What if they get infected? You can’t just lay here all night in this cold room.”

Silence.

“Please?” He pleaded.

And maybe it was wishful thinking or maybe it was just a coincidence, but at that moment Natalia let out a shuddering sigh and opened her eyes. She stared at the space in front of her blankly for a moment before swallowing and letting out another breath. Up close, Steve could see the flicker of emotions… the pain that lingered there momentarily before it disappeared and a look of resolve replaced it. Slowly, she pulled herself up and gradually crawled her way back to the safety of her room. The remains of her outfit were shredded in pieces and the trail of blood that she left behind as she moved… well, the tightening in his chest didn’t go away for a long time after that.

“I just don’t understand,” he said to his mother later on. “If she’s my connection to the world, how am I supposed to help her? She’s going down the wrong path, and making all the wrong decisions --but it’s not her fault! Those people… the Red Room, they’re controlling her.” More than anything, he was getting tired of always asking the same questions over and over. Why was he so drawn to her? How could he help her? What more could he do than just stand by and watch as things unfolded?

By now, he had done enough spying that he had been able to figure out exactly what Natalia was involved in. Kidnapped as a young child and trained in the arts of seduction and espionage… Natalia was one of the best that the Red Room had ever produced. She was a weapon -- lethal, dangerous, not to be trusted.

She was also a victim.

Sarah took a sip from her teacup. It was still a little odd to him, that Heaven could produce such things as tea. Really, it was the simple day-to-day living that made him pause. He could go grocery shopping or do something fun like bake bread, if he chose to. He couldn’t taste food and didn’t really need to eat, but there was some comfort in the mundane activities that he used to partake in when he was alive. “You’ll figure it out as you go along,” his mother smiled. “You always do.” 

“It’s all I can think about these days.”

And it was true. Focusing on Natalia gave him a sense of purpose… that he wasn’t solely just existing in Heaven for the sake of existing. It kept him from dwelling on things he couldn’t change and looking for answers that he wouldn’t even know where to start. Where was Bucky? How did he die? Why did he keep experiencing bouts of freezing cold?

Steve could feel himself starting to shake, the pronounced freezing cold feeling was starting to take over him again. He’s in the middle of a huge field with a lake in front of him and he feels like he’s standing in the middle of a blizzard. It was impossible to run a fever in Heaven, right? That seemed like something God-- whatever or whoever God might be --might have thought to prevent that kind of thing in the afterlife. Huffing out a shaky breath, he wrapped himself up in his own arms and hunkered down until it passed. It was never easy, but Steve was ashamed to say that he was almost getting used to it. Apparently that was part of his life here.

When it was over, he thought about seeking out his mother to find out whether or not she had any answers this time. It was a never ending battle just to find out the truth, but he couldn’t entirely blame her. It seemed like a lot of things in Heaven were… immaterial and very difficult to explain. He’d have to figure it out on his own, which was why he decided to go to Natalia again and try to talk to her. Maybe this time she’d answer him.

He found her sitting in an unfamiliar room with a dead body sprawled out on the bed. Steve had to swallow down the urge to leave right away and instead stepped through the door to join her as she slowly re-positioned her thigh high stockings. It was out of his depth just to see a woman in such a casual state of undress, but he plowed on through for the sake of his sanity.

“Another one,” he observed out loud. It felt like he was talking to himself even though he _knew_ she could hear him. Her ears perked up and she glanced up just for a moment, just long enough to assess who was there because it wasn’t like she could hear him entering the room. “When are you gonna stop? Aren’t you tired of this?”

Silence, other than the sound of her clipping her garter belt to her stockings.

“You know you can’t do this forever.”

Steve had to believe that Natalia was intelligent enough for that kind of reasoning to make sense. She couldn’t seduce people when she was sixty, okay? But maybe she also knew that the Red Room wouldn’t want her when she was old and grey. They’d get rid of her.

Or they were counting on her being gone long before old age hit.

Steve sighed and took another look at the body on the bed. He was probably a shitty person anyway, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that she was so conditioned that she didn’t seem to _care_ that there was a dead body on the bed. Overwhelmed by the whole thing, he leaned against the nearest wall-- which he didn’t sink through, he noticed --and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I know you can see me,” he tried again. “And I’m not going away, so you might as well answer me.” Pause. “Um, preferably in English because my Russian isn’t great. I mean…” He huffed out a small laugh as Natalia stood up to pull her dress back on and fix her hair and makeup. “You’d probably be horrified by it, honestly.”

He’d heard Natalia speak a myriad of languages; Russian, English, German, and French were just the tip of the iceberg if her fluency was to be believed. And while he did have a firm grasp on the last three, Russian was… just a little more difficult than the others and he didn’t have the whole thing down pat just yet. He was working on it, though. Little by little.

Natalia was dressed and marching past him faster than Steve would have liked. She made no eye contact and there was no trace of any recognition on her face; it was like he didn’t exist at all. But Steve followed her anyway and he was still on her heels when she got back to the Red Room to report her success. He was still on her heels when she retired to her room for rest before the next one. It was starting to get really frustrating that she wouldn’t answer him.

“Just say something,” he urged as he stood in front of her. “Say _something_ to me! I know you can hear me, Natalia! I know you can understand me, so just say something!”

He was shouting again, but Natalia still said nothing at all.

Steve frowned and squatted down in front of her so he could try to meet her gaze.

“ _Say something_ ,” he demanded.

Nothing.

Steve reached out to touch her and his hand went right through.

“Say something!” He shouted again. “Just talk to me, please! Say something, say _anything, just---”_

This time, when he reached out to touch her again, there was a _feeling_. He couldn’t describe it as _touch_ , exactly, but her head snapped up and their eyes met for a moment while Steve cradled his hand to his chest and panted lightly.

This stalemate between them wasn’t going to get him anywhere. He had to recalculate.

Leaving her alone again, Steve made it his business to figure out exactly what he could do.

* * *

She was going crazy.

It was the only explanation.

For weeks, Natalia had wondered why only she could see the blonde man -- and it _was only she that could see him_ since he often popped up at inconvenient times and no one around her had so much batted an eyelash at his presence. She would’ve assumed that it was a side effect of her graduation ceremony except for the fact that she knew for sure she had seen him before she had gone under. The comforting feeling she felt hadn’t been a result of the drugs they had put in her system… no, it was the man before her.

He wouldn’t stop talking either.

It was getting increasingly harder and harder to ignore him whenever he suddenly turned up. She had taken to calling him her moral compass in her head -- the things he pleaded with her to not do, the concern he showed for her… It began to haunt her at night, twinges of guilt seeping into her consciousness until all she could do was lay there staring at the ceiling for hours. She felt _dirty_ as she went about her work, listening as he begged her to stop with her missions, to find another way.

The feeling that went through her when he had tried to touch her… well, it was a feeling that she wouldn’t soon forget. It was terrifying, breathtaking, enchanting, and thrilling all at once. And it was probably the only time in her life that she had ever felt this way. _Ever_. It made her want things. He had this way of making her want to listen to him, to be _good_. To please him and make him happy. She couldn’t understand it, couldn’t understand _why_ she wanted it.

And that was _dangerous_.

She knew better than to listen.

(She couldn't let herself be compromised, she just _couldn't_.)

Her handlers, her masters… they would never let her escape. And he was a _ghost_. A figment of her imagination. Why risk escaping when the consequences were far worse than death? Perhaps there was something wrong with her, something within her brain functions that indicated she was ill. Didn’t people experience this type of thing all the time? There had to simply be an explanation as to why she was suddenly seeing him around. And she knew better than to mention him to her handlers. There were things that were considered normal, and having ghosts around talking to you was definitely not one of them. That was sure to get her locked up and be put under constant observation if she even breathed a word. Until then, she resolved to ignore him completely in the hopes that he would eventually fade away.

If she never acknowledged him, he’d never be real.


	3. Chapter 3

_There’s no sound around him except the rushing of water in his ears. Steve can’t think, he can’t breathe, he can’t feel anything at all. He’s so cold that he’s almost numb, but somehow he’s still moving, clawing at nothing as he tried to escape. But no matter how much he fights, he sinks lower and lower until the light around him is nothing but darkness and his eyes begin to slip closed from the sheer weight of the---_

Steve sat up with a shout and found that he had actually soaked all the way through his shirt. He didn’t remember sweating this much when he was alive, but then again… he never had those kinds of dreams when he was alive. Rubbing a hand over his face, he forced himself up and quickly pulled off his shirt just to get the wet material away from his skin. As he calmed, he shakily pulled on a thick sweater he’d procured from somewhere and zipped it up so he could stay as warm as possible.

What _was_ all that? Was that how he died? Because it felt like he was dying in the dream.

And the dreams were becoming more frequent, that was another problem. Steve couldn’t get a solid eight hours and even though he didn’t need it, he also didn’t want to constantly be reminded of that. He wanted to sleep because it felt like he ought to be and these nightmares were making it very, very difficult to achieve that.

He also hadn’t been back to visit Natalia in a while. He couldn’t _quite_ say how long because as his mother said, time worked differently in Heaven, but it had definitely been a couple of days, at least. Steve missed her, which was completely insane for several reasons that he couldn’t explain even if he had someone to whom he wanted to explain them! He’d met a few people here and there and yes, he had his mother, but… he missed having someone who was his friend. He missed Bucky.

But the last thing Steve wanted to do was pull on that thread.

Instead of peeking in on her to find out what she was up to, he’d spent quite some time trying his best to figure out what he could accomplish in the human world. He’d touched her that one time-- maybe it didn’t feel the way he remembered it, but it was clear that she’d felt something too, however fleeting it might have been. He asked around.

It was a mistake to ask around, Steve learned that very quickly. No one really knew how or why or even what happened in any real sense; apparently everyone’s experience was just different enough to ensure that each person had no choice but to find their own way. Steve couldn’t figure out how to venture into the human world other than to see Natalia, so his chances to experiment were somewhat limited. He took advantage of her brief periods of sleep to enter the door and try to manipulate things in her room, either pushing them across the desk or otherwise. It wasn’t exactly a success, but he felt like he made some progress, at least.

When he finally convinced himself to speak to Natalia again, he found her very much on her own. She was no longer staying in the Red Room; apparently they had enough faith in her to let her go knowing that she would come back if they called her. This was her chance to make a better life for herself--

But Natalia didn’t know anything other than what the Red Room had taught her. Steve watched as she met with a shady man and negotiated terms with him in what he assumed was some dialect of Russian that he didn’t entirely understand. Eventually the man agreed and slid a thick envelope of money across the table to her. Natalia took it, opened it, and sorted through it with perfectly manicured nails painted a fiery red color. Then she stood up, shook the man’s hand, and left with her purse at least a couple of grand heavier.

Steve didn’t make himself known until she was home again. She hadn’t stayed in the wilds of Russia, at least. Natalia had made herself a little home in London in a tiny flat four flights up. The place was just big enough for one person: a small kitchen, a bedroom/living room/dining room, and a bathroom. She could have afforded more given what she was being paid to do, he assumed, but she probably wanted to stay off the radar.

“Long time, no see,” he said eventually. Natalia looked up this time and stared at him like she’d really hoped he was gone for good. It hurt somewhere deep in Steve’s chest, but he willed it away in favor of looking around her place. “You’re on your own now, huh? Making better decisions?”

Steve glanced to the small desk nearby and studied the weapons laid out on it; she had three guns of varying types and sizes, plus a variety of knives and other very small things that could no doubt take down a man double Steve’s size. “Or maybe not.”

Natalia glared at him and Steve just raised his eyebrows.

“You can glare at me all you want, but guess what? This time I’m really not going anywhere.”

Steve meant it. If there was one thing he knew he could do, it was be unendingly stubborn. And since it was clear that Natalia heard him, he was going to make sure she remained aware of his presence whenever he could do so. He just hoped that she caved and eventually started talking to him; otherwise, the afterlife was going to be very one-sided.

“Why can’t you just try to talk to me? I mean, we’re wasting a whole lot of time…”

“You’re not imagining me, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m really here.”

Steve sighed and eventually moved to lean against the desk, effectively blocking Natalia’s view of the weapons now behind him. She tensed almost immeasurably, but it was enough for him to notice. Steve wondered if she thought he was some kind of threat.

“What did that man ask you to do? Was it something bad? Are you still--- working as an assassin?”

At least she was getting paid for it now. It wasn’t her handlers’ decision who was on the receiving end of her skill set. Steve desperately wanted to count that as a bonus regardless of the fact that she was still hurting people for money.

Natalia stood up and moved into the kitchen, where she pulled out a bottle of vodka and a glass. He watched as she filled the glass, took a breath, and gulped all of it down in one go before going back for more. Eyebrows raised, he watched her do the same thing a second time.

“You planning on drinking that whole bottle?”

There was judgement clear in his voice and he could see Natalia’s grip tightening on the glass in her hand. She rolled her shoulders once like she was brushing him off and wandered into the bathroom sans bottle and glass, slamming the door behind her. He presumed she’d done that because he’d never followed her into the bathroom before-- he was still a gentleman, after all --but Steve wasn’t going to be dissuaded this time.

He poked his head in with the intent of annoying her into talking to him and found himself staring at her bare back as she disrobed for a shower.

“Um. I- Right, sorry, I’ll just--”

He backed out and took a quick seat on the edge of her bed, folding his hands in his lap to wait for her to come back out. Damnit, he wasn’t here for all that. He wasn’t here to be reminded that he kind of wanted to touch her waist and kiss her scars and all of that. Steve didn’t even know _why_ he wanted to do all of those things.

When Natalia came out, she had a towel wrapped around her. Her hair was wet and still dripping bits of water from where it clung to her arms and back. She looked determined and he wasn’t sure what the look in her eye was exactly until she faced him and unceremoniously dropped her towel.

Steve swore and ducked his head immediately, covering his eyes with one hand as well just to make sure he wasn’t seeing anything he shouldn’t be seeing. It felt wrong, like she was just using her body to get a rise out of him or something. It reminded him of what she did to her marks; seduction, reeling them in, and then she’d strike.

For once, Steve didn’t say anything. He let her stand there waiting with his hand over his eyes and his head angled down towards the floor. Eventually, he heard her move, open her dresser drawer, and eventually pull a shirt over her head. Once he felt the bed dip beside him, he lifted his head to find her sitting right there and staring at him like he was a puzzle just waiting to be solved.

Steve understood in that moment that she wasn’t talking to him because if she did, it would make him real. Or at least it would mean that she had accepted him as a thing in her life. If she thought she was going crazy, the last thing she’d want to do was accept the appearance of some strange man. And anything else was probably too ridiculous to consider.

“Okay,” he said slowly. “If this is how you wanna play it, fine. But I’m not leaving.”

She needed him. He could feel it in his bones.

But time went on and even with Steve talking almost constantly, she still said nothing in return. Natalia was stubborn that way, he supposed; she could hear him, she even glared at him a couple of times in highly stressful situations, but that was all. She never said a single word that was directed at him-- and he was fairly sure that she spoke in Russian whenever she could simply because she didn’t want him to understand.

Steve was studying, though. He was doing all he could to learn Russian and when he knew enough to understand what she was saying, he attempted to speak to her in her native language and actually got a reaction out of her. It was just a surprised look and a swift narrowing of her eyes, but still! It was something and he was going to count it as a win. Steve grinned in triumph even as she turned back to what she was doing and ignored him for the rest of the day.

And for ages after that, too.

Natalia was incredibly determined- and it felt like she was entirely focused on pretending that he wasn’t there at all. So Steve continued providing commentary on everything from her every day decisions to the big stuff he wholeheartedly disapproved of. He didn’t know why he was there or what he was supposed to do, but he wasn’t going to shirk his duty. There had to be some kind of plan in place here; otherwise, he wouldn’t be seeing her at all.

Something was wrong.

It was gloomy and bleak, dark angry-looking storm clouds were looming all across the sky and if Steve listened closely, he could hear the rumblings of thunder in the distance. The sounds were slowly coming closer and gradually getting louder. It was odd, in all of his time in Heaven, it had never been like this. Most of the time, his days were filled with sunshine and clear skies with birds chirping, light and breezy winds and smells of sizzling hot dogs in the air-- the perfect picture of a summer day in New York City. Even when it was nighttime and most of the inhabitants of earth were asleep, Heaven’s sky was a velvety dark blue shining with brightly lit stars.

But not at this moment though.

This was the first time he had felt something like this. The air around him felt… foreboding, and Steve was on edge. The sinking feeling in his stomach had been there all day and he couldn’t sit still, anxiety filling up every inch of his being. Looking out the window of his Brooklyn apartment, Steve could see that nothing was amiss… people were still wandering about casually, laughing and smiling with each other. The smell of hot dogs were still wafting through and not far off, he could see kites flying about as kids ran around Central Park. Everything was completely normal.

Except for the weather.

Which, apparently, only he could notice.

“Everything alright, honey?” his mother was sitting at his kitchen table with a concerned look on her face as she eyed him over the rim of her coffee cup. “You’re being awfully quiet.”

“Can you see what’s happening outside?” he asked, his attention still on the dark sky.

For Sarah, her Heaven was completely opposite of what Steve’s was, even though they were sitting at the same table. When she looked out the window, she saw the ocean waves lapping against the tan-coloured sand on the beach, seagulls flying across the skies and dolphins leaping from the water. “I see what I always see. The ocean.”

“So nothing is out of the ordinary for you?” Steve frowned, his fingers drumming against the table in a nervous tick.

“What do you mean? Are you not seeing Central Park?”

“No, Central Park is still there… it’s just… Is it normal to see rain clouds? It’s the first time I’ve seen it this dark since I got here.”

His mother suddenly looked alarmed. “Steve,” she urged, worry filling her voice and he felt a jolt go through him. The last time he’d heard his mother sound this scared, he was ten and he’d had an asthma attack and it had been severe enough that he’d landed himself in the hospital. “When you see storm clouds, it's a warning.”

“A warning for what?” Steve stood up from the kitchen table so quickly that his chair flew back and tipped over. Panic was beginning to rise within him. Not for the millionth time, he wished he could understand it.

Sarah swallowed. “Danger.”

And suddenly he knew with certainty what his mother meant. “Natalia!”

* * *

Fear gripped him as he burst through the red door that would lead him straight to Natalia. Her apartment was dark and a few hurried steps through her bedroom door showed that she was asleep. For a moment, Steve wondered if he was losing his mind. Was he really going to wake her up all because of a few dark rain clouds appearing in his Heaven? It sounded completely ridiculous. And it was insane. Logically, he knew this.

But deep down, he knew he couldn’t ignore the feeling that had been plaguing him all day. The sick, twisted feeling deep in his gut didn’t just appear for no reason and he would regret it if he didn’t listen to his instincts. Natalia was in danger and he wasn’t about to stand by and just let things happen to her -- not on his watch.

“NATALIA!”

She was instantly awake, bolting upright in her bed and grabbing at the knife that was underneath her pillow and brandishing out in front of her, ready to attack if necessary. Steve breathed a sigh of relief as her knife went through him and he couldn’t feel a thing. Being dead definitely had its perks and this was one of them. She couldn’t physically hurt him if she tried. He reached out and placed his hands on her shoulders, feeling a slight _something_ as his hands went through her, but she must have felt it too because it was enough to give her pause. He pulled back, confident that he now had her attention. “You have to move, you’re in danger!”

Thanks to his sharpened senses, he could tell from her posture that she didn’t really believe him. The knife in her hand lowered slightly until it was placed down onto the bed. Natalia let out a sigh and began to straighten out the blankets that had twisted around her waist. Desperation filled him and he shook his head, wondering how he could possibly get her to listen to him when he didn’t even really understand the situation himself. “I can’t really explain it-- it’s-- it’s just a feeling that I have. Something bad is about to happen! You have to get out of here!” She didn’t move. “ _Please Nat_?”

The panic in his voice must have convinced her, because not a moment later, she was uncuffing her right arm from the bed frame and slipping out from under her covers and dressed in record time. She grabbed what looked like her contingency bag and he watched as she silently slipped out of her window, down the fire escape and into the dark alleyway. Steve followed her anxiously, as she slipped silently into the night, keeping to the shadows and out of sight.

For a few minutes, they walked in silence (walking, not running… and _why wasn’t she running??_ She needed to move quicker!), glancing behind them every now and then to see if they were being followed. The further away from her apartment they got, the more relieved that Steve felt. The dreaded feeling was starting to fade away. “I--I’m sorry,” he spoke up. “I know it sounds insane and I have nothing to back it up but I just knew I had to get you out of there-- it wasn’t safe...” And just as he was telling Natalia all of this, there was a flash of light and then an overwhelming blast of sound, and Steve looked behind them just in time to see an explosion light up the sky.

An explosion where Natalia’s apartment had been.

For a moment, they stood shocked still, watching as the buildings in that area crumbled. Horror swept through Steve at the sight. If he had been just a few minutes later… he shuddered at the thought. _All those poor innocent people…_

“You saved me.”

Steve could not have been more stunned at the first words that Natalia had ever spoken to him. Her words were soft, barely audible above the sirens of police cars and fire trucks that were now speeding past them. It was void of emotion, almost as if she was stunned by the sight in front of her. Or maybe it resignation… that this was her life; with people constantly trying to kill her out of revenge or self-preservation. In her line of work, she was deadly, but she was also in constant danger. It was alarming just how well she was able to compartmentalize what was happening. If Steve had been in her shoes, he would have been scared shitless. And furious.

Hell, he _was_ scared shitless and furious _on her behalf_. 

“Actually, you saved yourself,” Steve corrected, taking a deep breath. Sorrow filled him for all the people that had been sound asleep in their beds, with not a clue what was about to happen to them that night. It wasn’t happenstance, that much Steve knew. Someone had deliberately planted a bomb there with the hopes of killing Natalia regardless of anyone else’s safety. Steve knew that with certainty. “It’s not like I was able to physically drag you out of there. I’m just glad you listened to me.”

She started moving again, and he followed; staying right by her side. As they walked, Steve couldn’t help but keep a lookout and making sure they weren’t being followed. Whoever had tried to kill her tonight would want confirmation of her dead body --which obviously they wouldn’t find. She wasn’t safe just yet.

They walked for what felt like hours, and daylight was just beginning to break when they reached the outskirts of a small housing complex. The community looked to be new and in the process of being built. Steve stood by and watched, half disapprovingly and the other half in understanding, as Natalia broke into what looked to be an empty house. Empty, as in the home was half furnished and perhaps in the middle of being sold to potential owners. This was the definition of squatting, and although Steve didn’t think breaking in was right, technically Natalia was only “borrowing” for the moment. It certainly didn’t look like anyone lived here for the time being.

“Are you hurt at all?” he eventually asked, as Natalia inspected the place carefully. She gave him a quick glance before avoiding eye contact and shaking her head. Great, so they were back to her refusing to speak to him. He watched as she reached into her bag and pulled out thin bed sheets, unfolding it and lying down on the floor.

And then she surprised him.

“Why did you save me?”

At first he thought he was imaging her speaking, even as he saw her lips move. But the words were unmistakable and Steve let out a sigh as he settled down right next to her. Her green eyes stared up at him as she waited while he contemplated his answer. He had no idea what to tell her… and what he could he even say when he didn’t even know the answer himself? “I think I’m supposed to help you,” he answered quietly. “I don’t really know much about the afterlife, and it’s something I’m still trying to figure out, but I know that you are important.”

“But _why_?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.” He blew a strand of hair out of his face.

Letting out the longest of sighs, Natalia gracefully took a seat on the floor with her legs crossed under her and her back straight as a pin. Steve copied her as much as he could, but his back was always hunched just a little bit, so he let his elbows rest on his knees instead.

“Who were you before you died?”

It was just like her to gather all the facts she possibly could and make a decision after that.

“My name is Steve,” he said slowly. “I’m from Brooklyn.”

Natalia raised her eyebrows in a silent demand for more.

“Uh, I-- was a soldier,” he continued. “Sort of.”

He remembered the serum and everything, but he didn’t feel like he needed to get into specifics with her. The whole situation was weird enough as it was; she didn’t need to know that former chorus girl Captain America was the one visiting her from the great beyond.

“A soldier,” she repeated. “And you died in the line of fire?”

Steve shifted a little bit. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t remember how I died. I just, uh… I have flashes of cold sometimes. I think maybe I drowned? But I don’t know for sure.”

Natalia nodded slowly and averted her gaze while she thought things over. Steve remained quiet while she did so; he’d been watching her long enough to know that she didn’t want to be interrupted when she was like this. He took the time to look at her all over again, but he couldn’t get past the fact that her delicate hands had snapped so many necks and her plump lips had spoken lie after lie after lie to entice her marks into bed or away from the safety of a crowd.

She was a walking weapon and Steve still wanted to hold her and keep her safe.

“Well,” she said eventually. “Since you don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon, I guess I’m stuck with you.”

Steve shrugged. “Yeah, I guess you are. I mean, you can go back to not talking to me, but I’m not going to leave you alone. And it’s probably easier for everyone if you just… y’know. Talk.”

“When we’re alone,” she added.

Steve smiled. “Well, yeah. We wouldn’t want anyone thinking you’re crazy, would we?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! :)

Natalia still wasn’t sure if she was actually crazy. She wasn’t just seeing a strange man-- she was hearing him too. And on top of that, he’d saved her life? What was that about? How was it that he’d known--

There were way too many variables here. It couldn’t be some ornate plan, could it? No, how would they be able to project that man (Steve, she kept reminding herself) into her subconscious? She had to be imagining it. Unless of course it had something to do with what the Red Room had done to her mind. She was aware enough to know that they’d done _something_ to her, but if they were going to implant some kind of person in her head, wouldn’t that person be telling her to complete her missions?

It was impossible to know for sure. All she could do right now was let Steve talk and do her best to focus on the missions at hand when she had them. He wasn’t going to stop her from doing her job and getting things done the way she always had.

* * *

Steve still had so many questions about the afterlife and what his role was in Natalia’s life, but the biggest question he had was why God would put him in a position like this one. As the days went on, he got to know Natalia in a whole new way. She found ridiculous things funny and she was sharp as a tack about pretty much everything. She spoke more languages than he’d previously known about and she had the perseverance of a fucking lioness-- although he supposed he couldn’t be sure if that was natural or something the Red Room had taught her.

For the moment, he served as her conscience, in a way. Every time Natalia made a decision he didn’t agree with, he talked to her about it.

“You know, you don’t actually have to kill him. You could just get the information and let him go.”

“I get that he’s a piece of shit, but really? Torture?”

“You don’t have to do this. You can walk away.”

She never listened, but Steve liked to think that the times when she got frustrated and killed someone in a more ‘humane’ way were triumphs for him. He wondered if there would ever come a time when she regretted all the things she was doing.

Months passed.

Steve had come and gone and followed Natalia so often that he hardly questioned where they were going anymore. Wherever it was, he was going to follow her. It didn’t matter if he knew the destination beforehand. But this time was different and he couldn’t put his finger on why.

“Nat, where are we going?”

They were on a train headed to Moscow and Natalia was characteristically silent, but her shoulders were just a little more tense than he was used to. There was something about the way she was holding herself that just didn’t sit right with him.

“Hey.”

“ _Hey_.”

Natalia glanced over at him, but immediately turned her gaze back to the magazine in her lap.

“Something’s wrong, I can tell,” he continued. “Why won’t you tell me?”

Nothing. Steve stewed in the empty seat beside Natalia for the hours it took them to finally reach Moscow again, his arms crossed over his chest for the majority of it. The fact that they were back in Russia was reason enough to be alarmed, but the fact that Natalia was attending some shady meeting with an even shadier man was downright suspicious.

“Natalia,” he greeted. “You’ve certainly been making a name for yourself.”

Steve frowned as the pair sat beside one another on thin bar stools in some loud place he couldn’t have afforded at any time while he was alive.

“What is the mission?”

Her words couldn’t have been heard by anyone but Steve and the man. They blended right into the background noise with the practice and perfection of someone who was already used to hiding things. Steve watched with growing ire as the man slid a small folder across the bar to Natalia and took a sip of his drink.

“This is the target?”

It wasn’t like Natalia to ask questions, but she looked up at the man with just that. The uncertainty was written all over her face.

“I trust it isn’t a problem for you,” he said confidently. “We need her taken out as soon as possible, with no witnesses. She cannot be allowed to be groomed to take her father’s place.”

Natalia nodded once and closed the file before Steve could see it, tucking it safely away into her handbag before downing the rest of her drink and standing up to leave.

“Oh, and Natalia,” the man spoke up again before she got very far. Natalia didn’t turn back. “Я не думаю, что должен сказать вам, что произойдет, если вы потерпите неудачу.”

Natalia hesitated for a moment before straightening up and marching out of the bar. She knew _exactly_ what would happen if she failed; he didn’t need to remind her, but it was nothing more than a power play, a threat. Steve knew very well what they would do to her, but this mission felt different just based on how she’d reacted to it. He waited until they were in the safety of her hotel room to speak up.

“So, who’s the target? Some rich guy’s daughter? Don’t you think it’ll be a little harder to seduce some twenty something broad? Because she’s not gonna be as easy as the old men…”

Natalia took the folder out of her purse and set it down on the bed. She said nothing as she left it there and wandered into the bathroom to get undressed. Steve always liked seeing her when she was getting ready for bed. She would tie her hair into a long braid and put on something soft and light, and more than once Steve had thought about what it might be like to just… crawl in there with her. Thoughts like that were kept to himself for fear that she might reject him all over again. After all, it wasn’t like he could actually do anything about it. He was dead.

But being left without an answer wasn’t something Steve liked. He went to the folder and tried to poke it open, but only succeeded in moving it a little bit; despite all his practice, he was really only able to move things in bouts of severe anger or fear or passion.

When Natalia came back out, she met his eyes for a moment before ducking past him and crawling into bed with the folder beside her.

“I need time to myself,” she told him. “Just a day or two.”

Steve didn’t understand, but she had never asked him for anything like that in all the time he’d been invading her personal space and poking around in her life. He was so surprised by it that he agreed immediately and wished her a good night as he faded away, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something really awful was about to happen.

Two days later, he approached the red door with some trepidation. Something felt very wrong, there was a light drizzle all around him, and Steve was equal parts worried about Natalia and concerned about what that mission had entailed. But as he was never one to be derailed from his goal, he pushed his way through and stepped into an unfamiliar hotel room. It was smaller than the ones she generally stayed in; littered with empty bottles and takeout containers, it smelled vaguely unwashed and kind of stale.

The last thing he expected was to find Natasha sitting in the dingy bathtub with a half empty bottle of vodka in one hand. She was staring straight ahead even after she knew he was there; Steve wasn’t even thrown off by her nudity in this respect. He just slowly sat down on the floor with his back against the far wall and frowned.

“What happened?”

Natalia remained completely silent and took another gulp of vodka.

“Nat…” Steve sighed. “Come on, tell me.”

He’d never seen her like this before and it was scaring him; she was usually so cold about the missions she completed. What made this one different? Another gulp swallowed down, Natalia glanced at him for a fleeting moment before looking back at the wall in front of her.

“She was a kid.”

The full weight of Natalia’s words hit Steve in just a couple of seconds and he had to take a deep breath despite the fact that he didn’t actually _breathe_ anymore.

“And you still…?”

Natasha took another large gulp of her drink and Steve covered his mouth with one hand.

“She was so young,” Natalia whispered. “And so scared.”

Steve felt like crying. He wanted to cry for the innocent life Natalia had snuffed out and he wanted to cry for Natalia herself because he knew by now that it wasn’t her choice. It wasn’t something she _wanted_ to do. There was a reason the Red Room functioned the way it did; they wanted to produce killers and they did just that no matter what the cost.

“I know you didn’t have control, but--”

“I could have stopped.”

That shut Steve right up.

“I could have, and I didn’t.”

Had Steve overestimated the control the Red Room had over Natalia? Was she more free to do as she pleased than he originally presumed? Because that changed everything; if she was in control of her actions, then there was no reason for her to do any of the terrible things he’d seen her do. And that meant that she was… a bad person. Steve’s brow furrowed.

Natalia let out a short, humorless laugh.

“Sure you still want to stick around, Steve?”

That was the first time Natalia had ever said his name and the warmth that came with each syllable on her lips was nearly completely destroyed by everything else swimming through his mind right now.

“Why didn’t you stop?” He asked before he could stop himself. His voice was low and raspy-- Steve was so close to crying that all he could do was focus on the subject at hand and hold it in for later. He wasn’t much of a praying man, but he’d pray for her when he had the chance. He’d ask God for some kind of mercy, some kind of way out for Natalia while she was still young. “If you could, why didn’t you?”

Natalia fell silent and shook her head a little bit. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “Because they told me to do it?”

Steve pressed his lips together. It was almost as if she wanted to stop, but the order from her former master was too strong to be overpowered. She wanted to stop, but she couldn’t, really.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Natalia huffed and turned her gaze back to Steve. “I don’t think there’s anything anyone can do.” She pushed her wet hair back and shrugged a little. “This is who I am.”

Steve didn’t think it was that easy, but apparently Natalia was convinced that she couldn’t do any better. As time went on, he did everything he could to convince her otherwise. Steve was her constant companion through _everything_ ; every murder, every mark, every period of mourning afterwards. Sometimes she hid it very well, sometimes she refused to speak to him, and sometimes he’d talk to her anyway, just so she had something else to think about.

Time was a funny thing, Steve learned. It didn’t _feel_ like he’d known her for that long, but soon enough she was interrupting another one of his long rants about how silly it was that Heaven couldn’t explain a goddamn thing to him to tell him something he hadn’t even considered.

“I think it’s my birthday,” she mumbled from the other side of the bed.

Steve sat up. “You think…?”

Natalia frowned a little. “I can’t explain it.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “How old are you today?”

She had such a far off look in her eyes, like she wasn’t quite sure that what she was saying was true. Steve felt for her in these moments, like when he’d asked her about her childhood and she had gone silent for a full minute before changing the subject entirely. “I’m twenty one.”

Now, it wasn’t as though Steve could facilitate a party or anything even remotely like a party, but he could definitely do _something_ to commemorate her birthday. Even if she wasn’t sure about it, he felt it was important to make sure she understood that he-- cared about her. Yeah. That was definitely the right way to put it. It didn’t matter that he spent most of his time thinking about her and felt like he’d give up anything in the world just to actually hold her in his arms---

Left without much else, he sat himself up and took a deep breath.

“Happy birthday to you,” he started. “Happy birthday _to you_ …”

Natalia sat up and stared at him like she honestly didn’t know where to go from here. She looked _shocked_... like… like no one had ever sang to her on her birthday before.

“Happy birthday, dear Natalia…”

Steve was all of a sudden claimed by the thought that if he were alive, he would have liked to lean forward and kiss her at the end of this song. He would have just given her a little peck and wished her a happy birthday, and taken her out for a snack or something right now, smack dab in the middle of the night. He unconsciously leaned forward as he continued to sing.

“Happy birthday to you.”

Natalia tilted her head to the side a little bit and a ghost of a smile flashed over her face, but Steve was more than a little upset by the thoughts he was dealing with. He was _dead_. He couldn’t fall in love, could he? Was he actually being punished for something? Because it was bad enough that he’d never really gotten to tell Peggy how much he loved her; the idea that he’d be eternally in love with someone he couldn’t even touch was a little too much for him to take.

…

“I have to go,” he rasped. “I’m sorry.” He felt like he might cry. “Happy birthday, Nat.”

And with that, he vanished.

* * *

For hours after Steve left her side, Natalia thought about him. The look in his eyes wasn’t something she was familiar with, but it was almost like he was… mourning? He looked so sad in that moment and she couldn’t entirely understand why. All he was doing was wishing her a happy birthday, so why did he look like he was going to cry? Why had he left her like that?

He’d been with her for months! He’d stayed with her through things that disgusted _her_ , let alone him. It wasn’t exactly believable to think that he’d up and leave because of nothing at all.

Except for the fact that all of a sudden, she was all alone. At first, she figured he’d come back in a couple of hours or a couple of days at the most, but two weeks passed and he hadn’t popped back up. She’d even gone on a few missions and heard not a single word of disapproval from him. It was _jarring_ and a little worrying, but she would never admit that out loud. Who would she tell, anyway? It wasn’t like she could turn to her neighbor and say that oh, she was worried about the ghost who had been haunting her on and off for years.

At some point, she returned to Russia in the hopes that her change in environment might prompt Steve to return to her. Loathe as she was to admit it, she missed him and his almost constant stream of talking. She _liked_ that she didn’t feel alone when he was there.

She was wandering the streets of Moscow at night when she realized that someone was following her. Natalia didn’t panic at the thought; she _had_ made a name for herself and there was more than one person out there who might want to see her dead, but what worried her was that she hadn’t heard him until he was less than ten feet behind her. No one could be that quiet. No one was ever able to sneak up on her like that.

Natalia turned and pulled a knife before the unknown man could even reach for his weapon. Her eyes were trained on a rugged, handsome face with kind eyes and she didn’t move a muscle as he slowly raised his hands in surrender.

No. He wasn’t innocent. He was there for a reason.

“Кто ты? Чего ты хочешь?”

Nothing. Okay, so he was going to make her do it the hard way. She stepped minutely closer.

“У меня есть способы заставить тебя говорить.”

The man sighed. “Yeah, babe, I mean it’s great that you’re probably threatening my life, but I’m gonna need you to switch on over to English for me, okay?”

Natalia blinked. “Who are you?” She repeated. “What do you want?”

“My name is Clint Barton,” he said easily. “I’m an agent with SHIELD.”

Natalia’s heckles very nearly went up. She knew all about SHIELD; if she was reading this right, he was definitely sent to take her out and off their radar. Of course, she didn’t want to be on their radar in the first place, but such was life.

“Well, Agent Barton. You’re not very good at your job, are you?”

“Or I’m _really_ good at my job and my job was to get as close to you as possible.”

Silence. They stared at each other for long enough to make Natalia borderline uncomfortable.

“Listen, I know this is gonna sound kind of crazy, but if you could just hear me out--”

“You were sent to kill me and you want me to listen to you?”

“I mean, ideally.”

“I think I’d rather just get this over with.”

Clint shrugged. “Alright, well. Have it your way.”

Natalia moved to strike and Clint _blocked_ her. That was a shock in and of itself, but it continued with a flurry of movements, all offensive on her end and defensive on his. At some point, they moved into the alley and he kicked off the wall to flip over her and catch her from behind. Of course, Natalia flipped around to kick Clint right in the chest and knock him backwards. With her foe on his back for the moment, she took the opportunity to scale the wall beside her and crouch low on the rooftop to watch him.

He groaned as he got up and idly rubbed at his back while he considered the space around him.

“You know,” he said loud enough for her to hear. “Your reputation precedes you. From what I’ve heard you’ve got something like a hundred and twenty confirmed kills and more than your share of interrogations gone very wrong. Why don’t you think about using those skills of yours for something good?”

Natalia narrowed her eyes.

“Or you could just wait for me to win this little fight of ours…” He grunted as he pulled himself up on the fire escape and started heading up having apparently assumed that she _must_ have gone up there and wouldn’t just run away from the situation. “And I might just take you in by force.”

She huffed lightly. She wasn’t underestimating him, really, but did he actually think he could win this fight? She was at least ten years younger than him and her reflexes were lightning fast. There was no way he could possibly win.

“Not that they want me to bring you in at all,” he continued as he climbed up. “They’d rather I just got rid of you, but man, I read your file and I don’t think I can do it.”

Fantastic. His resolve was definitely shaky; this was going to be easy.

When he reached the roof and hoisted himself over the side, Natalia was waiting for him. She leapt up and caught him by the shoulders, twisting him around as she took him down to the floor and pinning him there. She seated herself on his stomach and pressed the blade of her knife to his throat at last. One swipe and her troubles, at least for the moment, would be over.

But she wasn’t swiping.

“I know you didn’t choose this,” Clint said calmly. His hands were down at his sides. He wasn’t making any effort to stop her and she didn’t understand why. She was a killing _machine_ ; she could take his life from him in a hundred different ways and leave not a single trace. Why wasn’t he fighting her? “We can protect you.”

Natalia frowned. “I don’t need protection.”

Clint raised his eyebrows. “You sure about that?”

Then something happened that had never happened before: Natalia’s guard dropped. Clint took advantage of that and flipped them over so she landed on her back with a huff, her knife knocked off to the side. His hands held her wrists tight for a moment and leaned down. Natalia resisted the urge to actually bite him, maybe even tear an ear off or something.

“Let me help you,” he insisted. “Come on. Come back with me. I can get you out.”

Natalia wanted to scream. She didn’t need to be rescued! She didn’t need some knight in shining armor to get her away from the Red Room like some damsel in distress! She didn’t _need_ anyone!

* * *

Being away from Natalia felt unnatural and wrong. Steve had forced himself to ignore the red door in his periphery for longer than he would have liked, but he was so uncomfortable and so unhappy that it had been cloudy and miserable in his Heaven since that day he’d left her.

On this morning in particular, Steve was laying out in the middle of a field in the park. Rain was still coming down and soaking him to the bone, but it wasn’t like he was going to get sick or anything. For the time being, he just tried to enjoy the feeling of the water on his face and think about anything but Natalia.

But lightning flashed in the sky and the stormed picked up, much to Steve’s surprise. He frowned as he opened his eyes and watched as lightning pierced the sky again, followed by a loud rumble of thunder. Dread seized him and he sat up, instinctively looking towards the door standing off to one side just waiting for him to walk through. Natalia was in trouble again.

This time, Steve took off at a walk that swiftly turned into a run as his instincts went into overdrive. Something was very wrong; Natalia was scared? He felt like Natalia was _scared_ and she was never scared, so something had to be horribly wrong. Steve was bracing himself even as he reached for the door to push it open, his mouth already open to yell for her.

“Natalia, are you-- alright--?”

He found her on a roof with a man on top of her and her wrists pinned down. Natalia’s head whipped to the side as he appeared and for the very first time, Steve thought she looked honestly frightened of what might happen to her now. But the man didn’t seem to have a weapon on her or anything; he was just… holding her there. Anger welled up within him at the sight of another man’s hands on her. _What was he doing?_

“Look, I know you probably don’t trust me, but I’ve got a feeling about you. Call it a gut feeling.”

Steve frowned a little bit. What was this guy saying?

“I promise, we can keep you safe. Just tell me I can let you go without winding up with a knife in my neck.”

Natalia glared at the man, then turned her head to look at Steve as if he had the answers. And Steve honestly didn’t know. He could protect her? Could this guy be trusted? Then again, what were the odds that he could put Natalia in a situation she couldn’t get out of if and when she wanted to? Licking his lips, he knelt down and gave Natalia what he hoped was a comforting look.

“It’s better than living your life in debt to the Red Room,” he said calmly. “Go with him.”

Steve knew that he couldn't really do anything to help her, but maybe this guy could. All he could do right now was hope to God that he’d pushed her in the right direction because he didn’t think he could live with himself (ha- because he was dead, get it?) if any harm came to her again because of his mistakes.


	5. Chapter 5

Natalia’s first few days at SHIELD were spent locked up in a dark room with only a single bed and her thoughts for company.

Well, that wasn’t technically true.

Steve was right there next to her, sometimes chatting away and other times, just sitting next to her in comfortable silence. He hadn’t left her side since he convinced her to go with Agent Barton and she found his presence comforting even if she would never admit it out loud. She wasn’t as frightened of all the changes happening around her when he was around. She had missed him while he had been gone and a part of her hoped that he would stay around for good. His voice soothed her in ways she could have never imagined. And quite frankly, he was her only source of entertainment. Without Steve, she would’ve gone stir crazy from boredom.

Steve had done some recon around the building when she had been first brought in and had decidedly become way more hopeful about her fate once he had learned who the founders of SHIELD were. Apparently, he had known them back in his day. Carter-something or other had helped start it and it was enough to sway him of the fact that she wasn’t in any immediate danger for the time being.

It was handy having a ghost on her side. By now, Natalia was more than half-convinced that Steve wasn’t just all made up in her head-- the details that he reported back to her, well, it was just too much for her to believe that her mind had made that all up. She couldn’t know _everything_ that was happening around SHIELD, could she? The gossip that he picked up while walking around the building was more than enjoyable while waiting to see what SHIELD was deciding what to do with her.

And apparently, Steve had warmed up to Agent Barton considerably since he had first seen him and he’d been on the verge of killing her.

“He’s really going to bat for you, Nat. You should’ve seen the dressing down that his superior gave him… Director Fury was _furious_ \--pun intended-- that he didn’t kill you… he got so mad, spit was actually flying out of his mouth and Agent Barton didn’t even so much as _blink_.”

Steve was also hopeful that this was the start of a better life.

“--Food looks so much better nowadays… so much more appealing to look at. We used to boil everything. And the desserts look like art! What does tiramisu taste like?”

“There’s a Starbucks practically on every corner! How can coffee cost so much?!”

“There’s so much you can do around here! There’s classes you can take -- though I guess, kickboxing might be a bit of downgrade for you considering your skills and what you can do… but there’s all sorts things you can learn... like, there’s classes on learning how to do photography! Can you imagine that?”

“I already know how to do that,” she murmured. Natalia was currently sitting on her bed huddled with her back against the wall and her head resting against her knees. She was careful to keep her face hidden from the cameras as she talked with Steve. She was sure that there was surveillance on her 24/7 and it wouldn’t do for people to see her ‘talking to herself.’ She probably (most likely) wasn’t crazy, but it wouldn’t stop other people from thinking it if they saw her. “Besides, learning photography is part of espionage work.”

As he sat down next to her, Natalia could almost swear she felt him. The bed didn’t dip with his weight, and she couldn’t feel any body heat coming from him but there was something there. The air changed slightly, every molecule in her body was charged with electricity causing her to be completely aware of his presence and attuned only to him. Steve was more than just her moral compass, he was her rock -- the bright light in her sea of darkness, and the one real good thing in her life. “How are you feeling about all of this?” He asked.

It was a loaded question, wasn’t it?

Truth be told, she wasn’t sure how she was feeling about all of it. It was more than terrifying, giving up everything she had ever known, had been brought up to do -- even if she hadn’t liked her old life, the lines had been crystal clear. She knew what was expected of her and she could do her job well.

But the fact of the matter was, she was exhausted. Tired of the bloodshed and pain she caused everywhere she went. Tired of being cautious and constantly scanning her surroundings to make sure she wasn’t being followed. Tired of the screams and destructive mayhem. Tired of the nightmares that plagued her every time she closed her eyes at night.

She shifted slightly, raising her eyes to meet Steve’s gaze. “I’ve got red in my ledger,” she whispered. “I’d like to wipe it out.” 

His expression was compassionate as he regarded her. “I think that this is a good time to start figuring out what it is you want in life. Figure out who you are, who you want to be.”

“The Red Room stripped away everything I ever was and replaced it with what they wanted. I was trained not to feel, not to think outside my missions and my orders. I was a weapon made to kill, made to destroy… until you came along.”

Steve smiled and Natalia was struck by how beautiful it was. It was a genuine smile, filled with optimism -- wholesome and yet, there was a hint of mischievousness to it. It was the first time anyone had ever smiled at her without any malicious intent behind it. “Bet I turned your world upside down, huh?”

“I thought I was going insane.”

“Who says you still aren’t?”

“Shut up,” she snickered and he stared at her in amazement. “What?”

“Nothing,” he grinned at her happily and she couldn’t help but smile back. “It’s just... I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen you really laugh. It’s a good look for you.” 

She bit her lip. “Never had much to laugh about before,” she said, uncertainty filling her voice. “Never had anything to be happy about either.”

“I really hope that changes for you.”

A comfortable silence fell between them and they stayed like that for awhile. It was a different feeling, Natalia found, to be able to feel so safe while being locked up with little chance of getting out. She supposed that was all because of Steve and the effect that he had on her. She’d only ever felt safe with him.

After a little while, she stretched out on her bed and against her better instinct, she turned on her side so that she was facing the wall and leaving her back exposed to the open space around her. The cameras were capturing her every move, she knew that. She was in a cell, and the chances of anyone from SHIELD attacking her while she slept were on the slim side but Natasha trusted that Steve would be there to watch her back and warn her in case anything were to happen. “Steve?” She whispered.

“...Hmm?”

“Do… do you…” She trailed off, unsure of what she was asking, unsure of what she wanted exactly. “Um...”

“Nat, what is it?” His voice floated closer from behind her and she felt her insecurities start to wash away. She relaxed and let the warmth of his voice wrap around her like a security blanket.

“All my life, I’ve always been handcuffed to the bed…”

“I know,” his voice was soft, but she could detect an underlying edge to it. He hated seeing her chain herself up and had voiced his displeasure over it many times. But no matter how many times he tried to argue with her over it, he’d never been able to convince her she could do without it.

“It’s just been hard to sleep the last few days… you’ll…” She let out a breath. “You’ll watch my back won’t you? While I sleep?” And even though she knew he would, there was a part of her that needed to hear the words, to hear the confirmation that he would watch over her when she couldn’t be in control.

The warmth spread over her body and she sank deeper into it, letting out a sigh of contentment… She didn't have to turn over to know that Steve was now probably sitting behind her at the edge of her bed. Slowly, she watched as his hand hovered over her until his fingers landed over her right wrist and there was the sensation of _something_ trailing over her skin where normally cold metal handcuffs would be… and for the first time she could ever remember, Natalia swallowed a lump that had formed in her throat and blinked away tears that gathered at the edge of her eyes. _This_ was what being protected felt like, she knew with sudden certainty.

“Sleep Nat,” she heard him say as her eyelids grew heavy and she began to drift off. “I’ll be here. Always.”

* * *

Steve was absolutely convinced that SHIELD was going to be a good thing for Natalia. The facilities they had were amazing, but the fact that Peggy had been one of the founders was practically a sign! He trusted them, even though he knew they probably had secrets that even he couldn’t figure out by walking through their most secure walls. Still, Agent Barton was a good man who fought for what he thought was right; Steve admired him for that and for the fact that he put himself on the line for Natasha without any assurance that he was right about her.

And now that she was safe and sound in her cell, for lack of a better word, he felt like he was beginning to know the real Natalia, not the person the Red Room had made. She was sweet when she wanted to be, but the most illuminating thing to discover was that she was not fearless. She was _scared_ of the changes, scared that she wouldn’t be able to keep up, scared that they would betray her somehow and make her pay for what she’d done. Steve would be right beside her no matter what, but that didn’t mean her fate wasn’t uncertain right now.

It was quite early in the morning when Agent Barton knocked and entered Natalia’s cell holding two cups of coffee balanced in one hand and a box of donuts in the other. Steve was immediately alert from his position in the corner and watched as he sat down and invited Natalia over to the table. She went with some hesitation and eventually sipped the coffee once Clint had taken a sip of his own. It wasn’t easy for her to trust someone, that much Steve knew.

“So,” Clint began. “You’ve been here a couple of days. How are you feeling?”

“Trapped.” Natasha answered very casually as she plucked a donut from the box and took a bite. “When am I going to be let out of here?”

“Well, Fury figured you might need some time to… calm down.”

Natalia narrowed her gaze. “Do I look like I’m not calm?”

Steve snickered in the corner.

“You know that’s not what I mean,” he countered. Ah, he wasn't backing down. Steve liked that about him too, and he figured Natalia would find it somewhat appealing. It was boring to have someone who just bent over and took it. “Point is… do you think you wanna get out there and do some good, or what?”

Natalia raised her eyebrows. “I know your bosses aren’t just going to let me out there.”

“Well, you’ve gotta go through training first…”

“And if they don’t like the way I do things?”

“They’ll… work with you, I promise. They’re not as bad as you think.”

Natalia glanced up towards the camera in the corner of her room and sighed. “When do we start?”

As it turned out, training was _hell_ for Natasha. She’d been trained years ago and she wasn’t going to learn a brand new way to be a person or handle her orders, especially not in the company of SHIELD’s new recruits. With that said, she trained mostly with Clint, who was more than happy to get his ass handed to him in new and interesting ways as the time went on. The difference was that in the Red Room, the people she fought with didn’t generally invite her out to eat afterwards. She never saw her opponents in the Red Room wolfing down a burrito, extra sour cream, right there in the gym after a long day.

From Steve’s perspective, she was getting _comfortable_ and he was happy for her!

The one thing that gave him pause was the little knot in the pit of his stomach that told him she was beginning to like Clint a little too much. She had a friend at last-- a friend that didn’t disappear when she touched him. Steve felt the pangs of jealousy all too vividly, especially when Clint made her laugh.

That wasn’t to say that she wasn’t still on her guard. She’d pulled a knife on Clint more than once, sometimes even putting it to his throat as he calmly talked her down from it. She’d also been reprimanded once or twice for being just a little too intimidating with other agents. But all that stopped when she met with Fury. He treated her like an equal, like a formidable agent with skills and strength and _talent_ \--- not a weapon. On top of that, he assured her that she was protected, that she was becoming part of their family. He talked about honor and kindness and getting the job done with the least amount of casualties as possible. He talked about how he wanted to take down the Red Room, that they could work together to do it. He talked to her like she was a person and that night, Natalia said something Steve really wasn’t expecting.

She’d been moved into an actual room, not a cell. Clint had even said she could ‘spruce it up’ the way she wanted to, but Natalia had yet to change a single thing.

“I like him,” she mumbled as she curled up to sleep. “Fury.”

Steve smiled. “He seems like a good guy to know,” he admitted.

Natalia hummed and fell asleep, leaving Steve to ponder whether or not his time with her was coming to a swift end. After all, if he was supposed to be her moral compass… what was his role once she was fighting for the good guys?

The next day, Steve left Natalia to her training and returned to Heaven to see his mother. They were sitting near a lake this time and tossing bread to the ducks that swam around in front of them. It was idyllic in all the ways New York never actually was, especially considering it was _quiet_ for once.

“I don’t want to leave her,” he said at some point. “She’s important, Ma. She’s-- I don’t know.”

Sarah smiled and nodded her head. “No one’s telling you that you have to leave her.”

“But what’s the point of me being there if she’s-- good? You know? I’m supposed to help her, right? I did help. Sort of. I told her to go with Clint to SHIELD. She’s doing much better now.”

“You assume you’re supposed to help her.”

“I hate when you’re being vague.” Steve groaned out loud and let his head fall back for the time being. “You’re not helping.”

“I know,” she grinned. “But I do have someone else here who might be able to give a little insight.”

“What? Who?”

From off to the side, Steve noticed a man coming towards them. He was dressed in a button down shirt and slacks, his hands in his pockets. He had sandy blonde hair and kind eyes and Steve couldn’t explain it, but he felt like he _knew_ him…

“Steve,” his mother said as she offered her hand to the stranger. “This is your father.”

Steve’s heart lurched in a way he had never felt before. It was equal parts excitement at the opportunity of being able to meet a man that he often wondered about his entire life, and other parts trepidation because even though he had no control over it, a part of Steve was also angry that he’d had to grow up without a father figure and the burden it had left on his mother. He suddenly had the urge to run away, unsure if he was ready to meet his father… and then it dawned on him, that if his father had been in Heaven this whole time, he must have realized Steve had been there too. _Why_ had he waited this long to make his presence known to Steve? 

“Where were you all this time?”

Sarah huffed out a short laugh. “That’s my boy. Defensive right off the bat.”

Joseph laughed too and Steve felt some kind of way about that; he didn’t know the guy well enough for him to be teasing him. “I’ve been right here, where I’ve been since you were born. Your mother thought it would be best if I hung back for a while until you got your bearings.”

Steve still wasn’t so sure about this. Half of him wanted to run forward and embrace his father, literally the father he’d never had, but the other half of him was more than a little cautious about it. What if he was disappointed?

“Listen, son, I know--”

“Son.”

Joseph blinked. “Right, sorry. I’ve just been watching you all these years. It must be a real shock for you to meet me, huh? But I’ve been with you your whole life, Steve.”

Steve frowned a little bit. “You have?”

“Do you really think I’d miss watching my boy grow up if I had the chance to see it? I saw it all. All the fights, all the bad times, all the times you stood up for someone. I saw that girl of yours put you in your place and I watched--” His face grew sullen for a moment and he shook his head, letting out a big sigh. “I watched things I never wanted to see.”

“You saw me die,” Steve surmised. “How did it happen?”

Sarah shook her head. “That’s not for him to say.”

Of course. Steve sighed.

“Come on and take a walk with me.” Joseph’s hand landed on his shoulder and Steve allowed the older man to lead him away from his mother, just the two of them. “I’ve heard you’re having some trouble understanding your role in Natalia’s life,” he mused. “How do you feel about her?”

“Like I’m supposed to keep her safe,” he shrugged, sliding his hands into his pockets.

Joseph smiled. “That’s natural for you, but what else? How do you _feel_?”

Steve swallowed and his brow furrowed a little bit. “I love her. But that’s stupid, isn’t it? She’s alive, I’m dead… I don’t get it. Why am I so focused on her? Why can’t I see anyone else? How come you could see me and Mom, but I can only see her? She’s not family.”

“No,” he said easily. “She’s not. But it’s not blood that dictates who we see, I don’t think.”

Steve thought about that for a second and nodded. Of course. “It’s love,” he mumbled. “But how?”

Joseph shrugged. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “But you do love her.”

The talk with his father left Steve feeling just a little better about his situation. Love dictated who he saw, so then it followed that he was supposed to love Natalia. But was he supposed to be _in love_ with her? Was he supposed to want to hold her? Or was he supposed to love her like an older brother or something? Why did he still have all these questions? Wasn’t the afterlife supposed to _answer_ questions instead of just handing out more? It was more than annoying.

After they’d rounded the park and he’d left his mother arm in arm with her long lost love, Steve walked for a while by himself until he decided to return to Natalia. It felt like that was where he belonged and now that Joseph was there, he didn’t have to worry about splitting his time “fairly” between his mother and his-- his-- Natalia.

This time when Steve went through the red door, he found Natalia sitting at the edge of her bed drying her hair with a damp towel. She looked fresh faced, clearly having just taken a shower and it was so subtle to someone who didn’t know her well, but Steve noticed it immediately -- her expression remained neutral but her eyes had widened the tiniest bit and the corner of her lips had quirked up when he appeared -- she was happy to see him. “Hi Steve,” she murmured as she continued to twist her locks. 

“Hi,” he smiled but it quickly turned into a frown as he carefully looked her over and moved closer. There was the beginnings of a bruise that was starting to form on her cheek, blueish-purple against the paleness of her skin; though despite this injury, Natalia looked to be in perfectly good spirits. He reached out, trying to caress the apple of her cheek. “Are you alright?”

His hand went right through her, but for a moment Natalia leaned in and he wondered if she could feel him. She regarded him with a smirk on her face, before pulling away and flopping onto her bed. “I’m fine. You should see Clint,” she bragged.

He followed her, perching at the edge of her bed. “Training went well?” 

She shrugged. “I’m getting better. Clint and I are starting to become a formidable team. We managed to take down the Strike Team today, just the two of us -- and it was the fastest time anyone had ever done it. I think Fury may give us our first mission together soon.”

“It's good that you’re learning to be a team player.” Feeling bold, Steve crawled up and invited himself to lay onto the bed next to her. If Natalia minded that he invaded her personal space, she gave no indication of it. Instead, it felt natural and completely right as they laid side by side… as if they were always meant to be this way.

Natalia turned on her side and regarded him with curious eyes. “Steve…”

He twisted so that he was facing her. “Yeah?”

“What’s Heaven like?”

He was slightly taken aback at her question, though one look at her told him that it was something that she had been wondering about --at least for a little while. “That’s where you go right?” She continued. “When I don’t see you?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I go and visit my mom.”

“Is it nice getting to talk with her?” She sounded wistful, and suddenly he could see just how young she was. Her eyes often led him to believe she was beyond her years, but at this moment in time, when it was just the two of them, he could see it.

“My mother died when I was eighteen… and I went a long time without seeing her. So yeah, it’s been a real blessing getting to see her again. I even met my dad! He died during the first war and it was just my Ma and I while I was growing up — I’ve been dead all this time, and I only just met him the other day. Makes me wonder who’s around in Heaven and I just haven’t found them yet.”

Silence fell between them. And then--

“I wish I could remember my parents.”

The words spilled from Natalia’s mouth so softly that at first, Steve thought he might have imagined it. But one glance at her, had him wishing he could reach out and hug her. She looked lost and vulnerable -- Steve knew from experience just how hard it was for her to open up, and felt honored that she was sharing her thoughts with him. “You don’t know what happened to them?”

She shook her head and frowned. “There was a fire… I think. And then I was taken to the Red Room.”

“Maybe SHIELD could help you find out more,” he suggested. “They must have information stored somewhere, don’t you think?”

Natalia shrugged but made no mention of making plans to follow up on his suggestions. Instead she fell silent and began playing with the frayed strands of thread from her blanket. There was something on her mind, he could tell. She just didn’t know how to approach the subject or even where to begin. After a moment, she just sighed. “You were telling me what Heaven was like?”

Where to even begin?

“It’s pretty frustrating actually.” Steve let out a little laugh. “Remember how I was telling you that everything is annoyingly vague? For one thing, you don’t actually get any answers to your questions. I pretty much have to follow my instincts.”

“What does it look like?”

“Well… it’s pretty much white mist? And then it forms to what your version of Heaven looks like.”

She bit her lip, looking confused. “I don’t understand.”

“Well, my mom said that everyone has their own version of what Heaven is like. Back when I was alive, one of my favorite places to be was Central Park. I see it everyday,” he smiled. “It’s _home,_ you know? So, my Heaven looks like Central Park.”

Natalia fell quiet and Steve became concerned when he saw the expression on her face. Her face was passive and it was enough for him to know that she was feeling troubled. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Minutes passed. And Steve patiently waited as long as it took. This conversation was something of a miracle already -- never had Natalia ever participated in a conversation as long as this one was beginning to be. And never had she shared so much with him… Steve cherished it.

“Do you think… maybe… one day I’ll be able to go to Heaven too?”

Her words were soft, barely whispered out loud but it couldn’t have been louder to Steve’s ears. There was sort of a secret longing that he could detect in her voice… the small hope that maybe if she tried hard enough, that she could be good and get to go to paradise when she passed. In her line of work, the chances of living to a ripe old age were slim. Even though he technically didn’t need to breathe, he sucked in a breath and tried to calm the panic that was suddenly rising within him. It made sense, didn’t it? If there was a Heaven (and there was one… Steve was ‘living’ proof), then it stood to reason that there was also a place of perpetual fire beneath the earth where the wicked were punished after death. The thought of Natalia’s soul being in such a place petrified him. In fact, it petrified him as much as it did to imagine that Bucky was there right now.

She was still talking. “Maybe such a thing is too much to hope for… and more than I deserve. I’m headed for the other direction, I would bet my life on it.”

“Nat,” he said. He made sure to hold eye contact with her so that she knew he meant every word. She paused, staring back at him with such seriousness that Steve knew down to the very depths of his being, that he would go to the ends of the earth for her. “If it’s the last thing I do, _I swear to you_ , I will make sure you get to Heaven. Even if I have to go down there to get you.”

His words touched her, he could tell. And probably for the first time ever in her life, Natalia let someone see her cry.

* * *

Helping Natalia to fall asleep by holding onto her wrist in place of her usual handcuffs had become a nightly ritual. Without fail, Steve was always there and he had started to look forward to it… enjoying immensely the fact that she trusted him to watch over her. Bit by bit, the angry red scars that the handcuffs used to leave on her skin faded until only thin silver discoloration remained. The scars were so pale and pasty nowadays, that one really had to look closely in order to notice them.

Perhaps one of his favorite pastimes now was watching the redhead sleep at night. These days, Natalia seemed to sleep easier and longer through the night. She had started to thrive at SHIELD, quickly making a name for herself amongst SHIELD agents -- only this time, it was largely on a more positive note. Everyone was still cautious around her, but Steve supposed that was to be expected if one knew they had an expertly trained assassin in their midst. She struggled daily, but persevered nonetheless and was all the better for it. He was incredibly proud of her.

He was so used to helping her and being there for her, that one night, it took him completely by surprise to find their roles reversed.

_His teeth chatter as he fights against the waves, struggling to stay afloat as water comes rushing at him in every direction. The cold is piercing, and he can see his breath forming small puffs of clouds as he attempts to fight his way through. It’s almost crippling, the fear that is coursing through him and yet, somehow he finds the will to keep going. Steve will forever stand by the choice he made, and would do it again in a heartbeat, but at this moment he is also desperate to hang on, and the freezing cold is making it difficult--_

“Steve!”

He let out a gasp, bolting to an upright position and surveying his surroundings with a panicked frenzy. He was shaking -- the icy feeling still hadn’t left him and he was stuck with the cold biting at him from all over. He felt trapped, encased in a frosty… _something_. For a moment, Steve wondered if he had been sent to hell. It certainly felt like it. The agony that burned through him was nothing like the other times he experienced his ‘flashes of cold’ as he had taken to calling them. This time it was infinitely more painful.

Would it ever stop??

And then it did.

A warmth filled him like nothing else, drowning out the cold almost instantly. A calmness permeated his senses and he was able to relax… It felt like he was almost back to normal and he could breathe again, no longer feeling scared. He blinked. The room was dimly lit by the lampshade on the nightstand, shadows lingering all over the walls and providing a comforting glow. Steve took in the familiar surroundings, feeling his heartbeat slowly begin to settle into a more normal pace before realizing that there was a hand currently gripping his.

Natalia regarded him with wide eyes, and she looked just as shocked as he felt. She was touching him. _She was touching him._ He could feel her fingers intertwined with his! How was this possible?

“Nat!” He whispered with astonishment. “I can feel you!”

“-and I can feel you!” She breathed, staring down at their joined hands with disbelief.

He could feel the heat radiating from her and his heart was pounding in a way he had never remembered it pounding before. Not even when he received the serum had he felt like this. He felt alive, and every molecule in his being was connected to her, tethered to only her. _It was amazing._

The moment was short-lived.

Her hand suddenly slipped through his, the weight of her hand landing onto the bed with a slight dip. He felt the loss of her immediately, though the freezing cold he felt was kept at bay and he somewhat felt like himself again. He was able to think more coherently anyway.

“You mentioned getting flashes of cold before.” Natalia’s eyes were filled with worry and curiosity both; she wasn’t going to let him get away without giving her a real answer, that was for damn sure. “Was that one of them?”

Steve nodded as he rubbed anxiously at the back of his neck. It felt like his hands needed something else to do so he didn’t reach out for Natalia again in the hopes that their hands connected for real a second time. “Yeah. I think they’re getting worse.”

Natalia nodded in thought. “And my voice--”

“Pulled me out of it, yeah.”

There was silence while they both considered the implications of such a thing.

“Weird,” Natalia said at last.

“Yeah,” Steve answered.

More silence.

Natalia frowned at the space between them and slowly moved to touch his hand again, but her fingers went right through.

“It’ll happen again,” she said confidently. “Sooner or later.”

Steve smiled ruefully. “I sure hope so.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featuring amazing cover art by @sleepygrimm!

In the weeks that followed, Steve had at least four more cold flashes that Natalia witnessed and six more that she didn’t. They were beginning to happen more frequently and were becoming more and more of a problem that he didn’t know how to solve. Sometimes they lasted what felt like hours, and the times that Natalia was around, they passed by quickly. Only twice more had she been able to fully touch him and grab his hand while it was happening. And in those times when they connected for real, it honestly felt like paradise to Steve.

It was as if a piece of himself had been missing all this time and he’d had no idea it was even gone. He felt complete, whole in a sense and it was completely unnerving. As right as it felt, it was also confusing beyond belief and it often left him with more questions than answers even if he never voiced his concerns out loud.

Things had changed between him and Natalia for the better.

There was a camaraderie there now, a secret that only they shared. Logically, he knew that it was it literally was a secret between the two of them because he was a ghost but the fact that it was something just for the two of them, made it all the more special in his opinion. And it seemed to Steve that Natalia no longer viewed him as a burden like she did in their first days together. She accepted his presence in her life wholeheartedly now. She frequently found places to be alone and sought him out so that she could tell him her thoughts.

She was smiling more. Little half-quirks with the corner of her lips turning upwards, but it was still progress. She trusted him and was starting to open herself up. Having been trained all her life to not think, not feel… Emotions were still a touchy subject for the redhead. With Steve’s encouragement, she was starting to understand that being vulnerable wasn’t necessarily a bad thing-- in fact, sometimes being vulnerable meant that it was okay to care about things and that it was one of the keys to building intimate relationships. It could be a very good thing, he told her, if she’d just let herself feel it.

Most of the time, Natalia listened to his reasoning with a thoughtful expression, which he took as a good sign. And other times? She would roll her eyes at him and say, “Love is for children, Steve.” Still, Steve was starting to sway her to his outlook, he could tell. It would still take a lot more work but he was confident that he would get her there.

It felt as if he was literally floating with happiness as he followed her around while she went about her day. SHIELD was definitely the right place for Natalia to be, and it showed in her actions. Fury had taken to giving her more missions, which obviously demonstrated that she was well on her way to gaining their trust while getting the job done. She was still working primarily with Agent Barton, but occasionally she was also partnered up with another formidable Agent -- Agent Maria Hill. Because their personalities were different, they clashed more often than not. And perhaps that was a good thing for Natalia to learn… It meant that she had to learn to cooperate with others to help achieve a common goal. Personally, Steve was of the opinion that the women had more in common than they thought, although Natalia disagreed and told him so in private. Steve just shrugged and smiled. He had no doubts that they would learn to work as a flawless team in no time.

“People are still wary of me,” Natalia told him one night as they laid side by side on her bed. “They go out of their way to avoid me.”

“Does it make you mad?” He asked, feeling sympathetic. As a formerly skinny asthmatic kid that was bullied all the time, he knew what it was like to want to fit in with your peers and not being able to because no one wanted to take a chance.

Natalia shrugged, looking completely nonchalant about her situation though Steve was pretty sure it was bothering her deep down. She wouldn’t have mentioned it otherwise. “I can’t control what others think of me.”

“Well, for what it's worth, _I_ think you’re pretty great,” he told her with a wide grin. “You’ve come such a long way. I’m really proud of you.”

“Thanks.” There was a slight tint of red to her cheeks and he found himself smiling even wider. She looked up at him with her green eyes and he felt his heart beat a little faster. _She really is beautiful._ “Clint thinks that maybe I should start going by another name. Completely start fresh.”

And just like that, Steve felt his mood dampen just a little at the mention of Agent Barton’s name. As much as things had gotten better between the two of them, Natalia’s relationship with the archer had also improved. While a part of Steve was glad that Natalia was making friends (or at least had _one_ friend who wanted to hang around her), he had noticed that they had gotten _closer_ in a way that he wasn’t entirely comfortable with. There were little touches --a pat on the back, one-armed hugs that Clint gave out readily, smiles and inside jokes that they had... and every time Steve was witness to these displays of affection, he felt the pit in his stomach getting bigger.

He was dead. It was irrational to feel the way he did, Steve told himself. But he couldn’t help it. “Oh yeah?” he asked. “How do you feel about that?”

“I think the idea has merit,” Natalia bit her lip in consideration. “I don’t know what name I would choose though.”

“Emily? Madison? Hannah?” Her nose wrinkled as he started listing off suggestions. “I don’t know, Nat. Go with your gut.”

“Nat…” Her voice trailed off as she sat up and looked at him. “Why do you call me that? You have ever since we met.”

Steve shrugged. “Does it bother you? I can stop if you’d like.”

She shook her head quickly. “No, it's not that. I’ve just always wondered. No one has ever given me a nickname ever.” She ducked her head. “I like it,” she admitted quietly.

The happy, floaty feeling was back and Steve grinned, feeling absolutely delighted. Having a nickname meant that she was more than alright that he had a term of endearment for her, that their relationship went deeper than the surface. “Then that’s what I’m going to keep calling you.”

She smiled, a real full smile. It was a rare smile, one that lit up her face and he felt honored at being able to see it. “Natasha Romanoff.”

“Natasha?”

She nodded. “It’s a diminutive form of Natalia.”

“Natasha.” Steve tested it out slowly, letting the name roll off his tongue. “Natasha… Nat.” He smiled. “I like it.”

And just like that, Natalia Alianovna Romanova became Natasha Romanoff.

A brand new start.

* * *

As time went on, the days began to blur together and Natasha ( _that still took some getting used to!_ ) continued to thrive at SHIELD. Fury began sending her out on missions, first mostly with Agent Barton, but as her success continued to grow he started sending her out on solo assignments. Steve looked on proudly whenever she returned back to headquarters in triumph and was granted more privileges.

Nowadays, Steve wasn’t quite as worried about her as he’d been in the beginning and felt comfortable enough to leave her every now and then. They didn’t need to be joined at the hip, so Steve took opportunities to explore around SHIELD and to visit with his parents up in Heaven while she was training or doing whatever she was doing. And what was the saying? _Absence makes the heart grow fonder._ Well, in Steve’s case, it was true. He was always eager to return to Natasha and hear about her day when they spent some time apart.

“I wish you guys could see it,” Steve said to his parents one day. They were having a picnic lunch in the middle of Central Park. The weather was fantastic; birds flying high, the sun was shining brightly, and a perfect summer breeze drifted by. And he was completely content. As far as Steve was concerned, the only way that the day could’ve been made better was if Bucky and Natasha could join them. “She’s a completely different person now. She doesn’t go out of her way to kill in order to get the job done… and I’m just so proud of her.”

“That’s wonderful, Steve.” Sarah smiled. “And how is your relationship with her now?”

“Well, she still has a lot of secrets,” Steve paused. “And I’m not expecting her to tell me everything… but if I prod her enough, she usually tells me what she’s thinking. It’s way better than when she was flat out ignoring me.”

“You look happy,” his mother observed, tenderly running a hand through his hair in the way that she used to when he was young. It made him feel slightly nostalgic for a moment. “This girl is special, isn’t she? I wish I could meet her.”

Steve thought back to what they had been through together. It was fate, the way they had been brought together… transcending through time and reality. Two different beings that could not have met any other way and the way they interacted with one another was probably beyond comprehension. Still, Steve loved the way that her green eyes lit up and the quirk of her lips that showed the faintest of smiles whenever she was happy. He could read her better now, probably better than anyone else in the world and he loved the fact that he could. “Very special,” he replied.

“Figured it out yet?” Joseph asked.

Steve glanced over at his father and smiled ruefully, knowing exactly what he was asking.

It had been a quiet realization, one that had been steadily sneaking up on him ever since he met Natasha. And everyday it grew a little deeper, a little more meaningful until it became his entire life. It was all terrible timing and inconvenient, as far as Steve was concerned. And it was also largely unfair! It wasn’t like he could do anything about it in his current state. As he was constantly reminding himself, he was _dead_!

“I’m in love with her,” he murmured. It was the first time he had ever said the words out loud and he felt his heart sink a little more.

His parents’ reactions to his admission was, admittedly, not one that he was expecting. Instead of being horrified and lecturing him about how ghosts cannot fall in love with the living, both Sarah and Joseph did the complete opposite. His father smiled broadly, clapping him on the shoulder with encouragement, while his mother squealed and clasped her hands together in delight. It was the oddest reaction that Steve could have received considering his circumstances.

“Seriously?” he asked. “I was expecting you guys to be upset with me.”

“Why would we be upset?” Sarah frowned at him. “You’re in love! All parents want their children to have love in their lives.”

“But I’m dead,” Steve insisted. “There’s no way this isn’t going to end badly for me. She’s going to find someone else, someone like--” _Agent Barton._ “Someone _alive._ ”

The whole interaction with his parents left Steve feeling more confused than ever. They wouldn’t ever wish any ill will towards him, so why were they so happy that he was in love? Unable to find a good reason, Steve sought solace in Natasha the way he had been for what felt like ages now. He found her not in her room, but sitting on the roof of SHIELD headquarters with a blanket wrapped lightly around her shoulders. The sun was setting; the city beneath them began to twinkle with lights as the night set in.

“Hey,” he said as he sat down beside her. “What are you doing up here?”

“I was just looking,” she said. Her gaze remained straight ahead. “Everything seems so quiet.”

“Most things do when you’re looking at them from a distance.”

Natasha leaned forward to rest her arms on the steel barrier keeping her safe from a nasty fall. “Sometimes it feels like I’m on the outside looking in. The city is so beautiful like this -- and it’s quiet, but deep down I know its not.”

Knowing that they were no longer just talking about the city and its glamorous views, Steve cleared his throat and waited until Natasha looked over at him. Maintaining eye contact, he smiled at her encouragingly. “Maybe it’s time to stop being so detached from everything, Nat. It’s okay to let yourself be happy.”

Natasha looked startled, and Steve knew that he had hit the issue right on the money. “You think so?” She asked doubtfully.

“I know so,” he shrugged. “You aren’t those things you did. That was… someone else pulling the strings, you know?”

“It was still me.”

The truth of it all was left between them as Steve inched a little closer and sat there while they both stared out over the city. She did deserve happiness; she deserved everything she could possibly want out of life and, if he was able to, Steve was going to make sure she learned that for herself. It was the very least he could do to help the woman he loved.

Nearly a week later, after an entire day spent away from Natasha and working on art in a special part of his heaven littered with paints and canvases and the like, Steve rushed through the door eager to show her that he’d painted a portrait of her with the sunset below fading into the beautiful color of her hair-- It was easily the most obviously ‘romantic’ thing he’d done for her and he wanted her to see it even if that meant getting his heart stomped on when she hated it or rebuffed him. In any case, he wanted her to see it. If nothing else, he felt like it granted him some humanity.

But Natasha wasn’t alone.

Steve came in while she and Clint were sitting in a movie theater with a tub of popcorn between them. They looked like a couple, like they were on a… date. But that couldn't be, right? Natasha wasn’t interested in him like that. Clint was just a friend, a _good_ friend. So this couldn’t be a date. Except that they were sitting pretty close together and sharing popcorn and back in Steve’s day, that was definitely a date kind of thing.

With his stupid art taking a backseat, he sat down in the last row and watched. He felt bad for it, like he was intruding on something that was supposed to be private, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted to know what was happening with them. Of course, he could have just asked, but he found himself hiding when the movie ended and ducking behind things as he followed them home. Thankfully, it wasn’t hard to remain unseen when he wasn’t actually there in the first place.

Clint made her laugh. A lot.

And to Steve’s utter horror, they didn’t go their separate ways when they got back to SHIELD. Given that it was pretty late already, they got glasses of water and a couple of snacks, and chose a common room that was deserted and dimly lit; it was perfect for what Steve assumed was some kind of ploy to get into Natasha’s bed. That had to be the reason Clint was doing this, right? He was actually trying to sleep with her and-- and-- Steve had just read him wrong this whole time!

“That was fun,” Natasha said. Steve’s heart sank. “We should do that again.”

“Yeah, definitely.” Clint leaned back into the sofa and smiled widely. “Ruthless spies by day, movie buffs by night. I like it.”

“Isn’t that usually the other way around?”

Clint shrugged. “Point is that you’ve--- come a long way, you know?”

Natasha shifted a little bit, pulling one leg onto the couch as she turned to face Clint. “I feel like I have,” she admitted. “It’s like I’m the same and different all at once. But I’ve still got red--”

“I know.” He nodded in the silence that followed. “But you won’t always.”

Steve’s heart began to pound as Natasha licked her lips and leaned forward to press them against Clint’s. When her kiss wasn’t immediately rebuffed, Steve’s hands clenched into fists as he hoped and begged and pleaded with anyone who would listen to make it stop, make it stop, stop, S T O P---!

One of the glasses on the coffee table in front of them exploded with a sharp pop and both agents were up and on alert in a heartbeat. Steve stared back at Natasha with wide eyes now that he was caught snooping and he was gone in a flash, hiding himself away deep in the recesses of his Heaven where it was safe.

It wasn’t fair of him to behave that way. Steve felt like loving her was something so inherent and natural that he couldn’t stop it if he tried, but he was dead. She deserved happiness. If Clint was the person that was going to bring her that happiness, who was he to stop her? With his heart and ego equally bruised, Steve wandered until he came upon a familiar bar with warm light and music pouring out from within.

He knew what it was before he entered, but he couldn’t stop himself.

There he was, looking oh so smug as he sat beside Bucky at the bar. Stupid. He’d been so high coming off of his first major victory and so willing to throw himself, to throw others right into danger’s path. Bucky might have been alive and well if he’d only insisted that he go home, get that honorable discharge, stay the fuck away from the fighting. But no. No, Steve had just welcomed him onto the team like he belonged there. And look what happened.

He nearly fell into an empty seat when Peggy arrived. She looked as beautiful as the first time he’d seen her that way; all in red and just the most wonderful thing he’d ever seen. Steve could remember feeling inadequate and excited at the same time because she did like him. She _liked_ him and it wasn’t just for the body because she’d liked him before. Peggy understood him like no one else had before that, not even Bucky.

What had kept him from her? What was it that had taken him away from what might have been their future together? Why was it fair that he was killed before he got to actually live his life?

For the first time since he’d woken up, he found himself truly mourning all the chances he’d lost. He sat on a park bench and cried while snow swirled around him, piling up in soft mounds that littered the space around him. Steve was cold, and alone, and entirely hopeless. The sorrow that he had tried so hard to bury was coming back in full force and he couldn’t avoid it any longer. He was surrounded by haunting memories… and all this time, the bright spot in his existence was Natasha. She was going to fall in love eventually, he reminded himself. She’d find someone. She might even get married, have a family, live happily ever after-- and he thought of it all with a bitter taste in his mouth not only because it felt wrong for her to be with anyone other than him, but because _he_ would never get that chance. He was dead.

For some reason, it felt like that hadn’t really sunk in before.

He was _dead_.

* * *

Natasha was learning new things all the time. It wasn’t often in her past that she’d been _embarrassed_ , but she felt humiliation color her cheeks once she and Clint had made sure there was no immediate threat. The glass exploding on the table had clearly been caused by Steve, somehow, but she wasn’t about to tell Clint about that. He’d think she was crazy.

As it was, he was already rubbing at the back of his neck as he brought up their kiss.

“Tasha, look, we need to talk about that--”

“Didn’t you like it?”

Clint let out a long sigh. “It’s not that I didn’t like it. I just-- don’t really see you like that? And I’m already with someone.”

Natasha’s brow furrowed a little. “You didn’t pull away.”

“I know. I didn’t want you to freak out.”

Natasha bit her lip. She really thought she was reading the signals the right way, but apparently not? “I don’t understand,” she admitted- that alone was something she wouldn’t do with just anyone. Clint was different to her; he was a friend, an ally.

They sat down again and Natasha tried to put words to what was going through her head. “I thought-- this was what normal couples did,” she said slowly. “We went to the movies and you talk to me all the time, and you think I’m attractive--”

Clint huffed out a laugh. “I’m not blind,” he said easily. “But Tasha, we’re _friends_. I mean, I love you, believe me. I’d step in front of a bullet for you, but I’m not hanging around with you because I want to sleep with you. I’m here because I _like_ you.”

Natasha blinked. “You like me.” She repeated the words dubiously.

“Yeah, you don’t have to look so shocked,” he teased lightly.

“You--” She took a deep breath. “You love me. As a friend.”

Clint nodded and offered her a crooked smile. “I do, yeah.”

Natasha nodded slowly. She’d never told anyone that she loved them before, not for real. She’d never… been close enough to anyone for something like that. Did she love Clint? She cared about him, yes. She’d lay her life on the line for him, yes. She wanted to spend time with him, yes. Was that love? Because as far as she knew, ‘love’ was this ethereal concept that was meant for fairy tales and storybooks. Love was for children, as she’d said multiple times.

“I don’t know if I love you,” she said cautiously. “But I care about you.”

Clint smiled. “I’ll take it.”

And that was all. Clint didn’t pressure her to say it back to him and Natasha thought it was kind of miraculous that he loved her regardless of how she felt towards him. It was… almost as if he didn’t want anything from her other than her company and friendship, which she supposed should have been obvious from the start, but it wasn’t. At least, it wasn’t obvious for her.

Back in her room, Natasha got to thinking about Steve and the glass exploding on the coffee table. He was upset, clearly, and she figured even he hadn’t know that he was capable of something like that; the look on his face said as much. The question was what emotion had led him to lashing out that way. Was he worried about her? Was he scared for her?

Was he… jealous?

Whatever it was, Natasha went days without hearing from him. She even whispered his name a few times hoping that he would pop up with a smile like nothing had happened, but to no avail. The next weekend, without a word from Steve at all, Clint invited Natasha to dinner and it wasn’t until they were in the car on the way upstate that he told her the truth; he was married, not just ‘with someone’ and he had kids too.

“You don’t wear a ring,” she pointed out. “How come you’ve never mentioned them?”

“When I joined, Fury promised me he’d keep them safe. Cooper’s three now and Lila’s still a baby… I don’t wear a ring because I don’t want to risk anyone going after them. I don’t want anyone to know they exist. So I don’t talk about them, other than to Fury because I know I can trust him with my life, and my secret.”

Natasha smiled to herself. That meant he could trust _her_ too, and Clint’s trust actually meant the world to her given how untrustworthy she was at the start of this. Now, she just had to hope that his wife was open to meeting her; Natasha didn’t want to cause any trouble. As they walked up to the porch of the charming house he’d driven her to, she wondered if his wife, Laura, would treat her with suspicion and fear the way some of the other agents did. She couldn’t exactly blame Laura if she did; Natasha was a stranger with a dark past who was around her family, so--

“You must be Natasha!”

Laura’s arms were around her so fast, Natasha couldn’t have backed away if she’d wanted to. She hesitantly returned the hug until Laura let go and stepped back to smile at her. “Clint’s told me so much about you already, come in, come in!”

Laura pulled her inside and gave her an enthusiastic tour of the house from the living room to the little kitchen and so on. They came upon Cooper in his room and Natasha offered him a somewhat shy greeting-- children weren’t something she’d ever had to deal with like this before --that he happily returned. By the time Clint announced that he was heading out for firewood and suggested that Natasha help Laura in the kitchen, it felt like she’d been visiting their home for ages.

“I don’t know what I’m doing in here, so…”

“Haven’t spend much time in a kitchen, huh?”

“You could say that,” Natasha answered.

Laura patiently showed her where to find the dishes and the cutlery so she could set the table while the cooking was finished up. It was a very domestic feeling, just being in the kitchen with someone she supposed she could call a friend… at some point.

“Clint tells me you two are quite the partnership,” she mused. Natasha almost -- _almost_ \-- dropped a knife because she figured that Clint hadn’t mentioned the fact that she’d kissed him. That had to be considered some kind of betrayal if they were going to be friends, right? “I’m glad he’s got someone like you watching his back.”

Natasha frowned a little. “You don’t even know me.”

Laura glanced up from where she was stirring sauce on the stove. “I’m a great judge of character,” she said confidently, turning back to the food. “It helps that Clint doesn’t like to keep too many secrets.” She looked back and raised her eyebrows. “If I was ten years younger and short two kids, I think I’d feel left out that you haven’t kissed me.”

Natasha couldn’t help it- her eyes widened in surprise. “I’m so sorry about that, I didn’t realize…”

“Don’t worry about it,” she laughed, immediately dropping the act. “Clint’s a knockout. Besides, it’s part of the promise that no one knows about me. I trust him.”

Before they could continue, a sharp cry rang out from the living room and Laura sighed. “Can you grab her for me?” She asked. “She’s probably hungry. I’ll get a bottle ready.”

Natasha nearly protested, but she set her back instead and walked into the living room to consider the screaming baby wiggling in her cradle. All she had to do was pick her up and get her into the kitchen so Laura could feed her. Frowning lightly, she reached down and picked Lila up with two hands wrapped securely around her, awkwardly holding the baby close if only because that was what she was supposed to do.

“Hi,” she tried. Lila was not amused and continued to wail at top volume. “Are you hungry?” Natasha felt _so_ awkward talking to someone who couldn’t talk back to her _or_ understand her. “Let’s-- Let’s go find Mommy.”

She headed back into the kitchen, where she was pressed into a chair and handed a warm bottle. Natasha must have looked as clueless as she felt because Laura smiled and patiently helped her changed the way she was holding the baby before guiding the bottle into Lila’s mouth and-- stepping back.

“Well, don’t you look horribly uncomfortable.” Natasha looked up and glared as Clint reentered the room for dinner. “Loosen up a little bit, Tasha,” he laughed. “You look like a wooden soldier.”

Natasha pressed her lips together and shifted a little bit on the chair, but she still couldn’t entirely get her body to do what she wanted it to do in the relaxation department. Thankfully, Laura took Lila once she’d put dinner on the table and Natasha was free to watch her _be a mother_. It wasn’t like she’d never seen a baby before, but not like this. Laura looked like such a natural; her face was warm and open, her hold was sure and Lila knew that she was safe.

It was hard not to think about whether or not she had so much trouble holding the baby because they’d removed a lot of her humanity, perhaps even her motherly instinct, along with her reproductive organs. It made her eager to try again if only to fly in the face of her previous captors. She could be soft. She could take care of someone.

After dinner, Clint volunteered to do the dishes and Natasha decided that she was going to go for it. Laura wasn’t going to judge her and Clint was the last person who would come after her for it, so why not?

“Can I hold her again?”

The question surprised both of them, but Laura handed the baby over to Natasha-- who smiled a little and marched into the living room hoping that she might be able to do this without an audience. Lila was at least calmer now; she gazed up at Natasha and giggled as she squirmed and reached out for the redhead’s curls. Grabbing on, she tugged and Natasha winced a little bit, but that was all. She could do this, even if holding a baby on her lap felt unnatural.

She bounced Lila a little bit and let the baby touch her cheeks and her nose. Natasha even blew a little raspberry against Lila’s hand to make her laugh-- which only made Natasha laugh as well. This might have been nice, to have a life like this one. It wasn’t possible, of course, but maybe Clint’s family could fill that void before she was even aware of it. Maybe.

By the time the dishes were done, Clint and Laura came into the living room to find Natasha with Lila sleeping on her chest. She had her head bowed a little bit and her nose pressed gently to the top of the baby’s head, but her head snapped up when they entered the room.

“See?” Laura whispered as she sat down. “You’re a natural.”

After lots of goodbyes and promises to visit again, Clint and Natasha got back in the car so they could head home. Well, Natasha supposed _this_ was his home, but still. The drive was quiet for a few miles before she asked him something that had been on her mind since she’d first figured out where they were. He clearly trusted her because he wouldn’t have let her meet his family, but… why? How could he know that he could trust her? And what was he thinking, putting a baby in her arms? She could have killed Lila with one finger, one swift move.

“Clint, how do you know you can trust me?”

Clint glanced at her. “What kind of question is that? I mean, I guess I don’t have any assurances or anything, but sometimes you’ve just gotta go by your gut, you know?”

Natasha frowned.

“Look, it’s not like I was always Mr. Husband with the wife and kids and house, Natasha. I was a... a carnie. I mean, I lived off making as much money from as many stupid people as I could.”

“I’m sorry, you--” Natasha’s lips quirked up in a little smile. “You were in the circus?”

“Fuck yeah,” he laughed. “And I was fucking good too.”

“What was your act?”

He cleared his throat. “Some acrobatics, but mostly bow and arrow, same as now. Greatest Marksman in the World!”

“That must have been great for your ego,” she deadpanned. “So, how’d you wind up working for SHIELD?”

Clint shrugged. “Fury found me. Freaked me out just how much he knew-- where I came from, who family was, all the things I’d done. I had a record of pickpocketing and stuff like that, plus I wasn’t exactly the most upstanding person in the world. Settling down wasn’t my thing. And he said they could use someone like me. A leader, someone with skill. It sounded like a good opportunity, so I took it.”

Natasha nodded slowly.

“Now, try to imagine whether or not you’d trust a carnie with a record who happens to be really good with a bow and arrow. Do I sound like the trustworthy type?”

“You still don’t sound like the trustworthy type,” she quipped, earning a nudge from her companion. “No, I get what you mean. People change.”

“People including you,” he pointed out. “Even if you’re not so sure.”

Clint might have trusted her, but apparently Steve had been betrayed to the point of no return. Natasha figured he’d come back eventually just to talk about what had happened and he didn’t! He didn’t come back. It was weighing on her mind to an indecent level over the two long weeks he stayed away from her; she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She _missed_ him. But it was just like a man to be so easily offended, wasn’t it? Even if he was jealous, it was just a kiss! She hadn’t done anything wrong and she didn’t feel guilty for it, so the idea that he was holding it against her really didn’t sit well with her. He needed to come back and explain himself. Now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ahem*
> 
> Stardust calls this chapter “ghost sex” and mylifeisloki says it’s “mutual masturbation” hahaha you guys decide :)

It wasn’t the kiss itself that really bothered Steve; it was the fact that he couldn’t do anything about the fact that he had feelings for Natasha. For not the first time, he thought about why a superior being would allow Heaven to contain such potential for unhappiness, but he wound up deciding that if he _couldn’t_ feel anything, he’d probably be even more miserable. Being in love was supposed to be a good thing, wasn’t it? It had been with Peggy, but he’d actually had a shot back then. With Natasha, things were wholly and unrelentingly different.

For two weeks, Steve hid. He avoided his mother, his father, and the red door that kept popping up whenever Natasha entered his mind. Instead, he wandered through harsh, cold forests in Poland and fields in Germany. He saw Brooklyn again, then the city, then the familiar streets of London. He thought about Bucky a lot; the ever present confusion concerning why he wasn’t around was only heightened when Steve stumbled upon the likes of Dum-Dum and his commandos sitting around a fire like back in the old days. He’d cried like a baby upon seeing them again and they tousled his hair for it, but Steve let them pull him down near the fire so they could just talk for a while. They told stories and laughed and drank and it made him feel like a brand new man.

But after two weeks, Steve was very conscious of just how much he missed Natasha. He knew he’d have to explain his behavior to her when he returned and that definitely played a part in how long it was taking him to return. Maybe he didn’t run away from a fight, but he definitely avoided awkward conversations with people he loved.

Steve made the decision to come to her late in the evening. She was laying on her bed with a book in hand and he watched her for several minutes knowing that she probably wouldn’t be quite so serene after he showed up. Useless bouquet of flowers in hand, he stepped through the door and cleared his throat to make himself known. As expected, she looked pissed.

“Where have you been?” She hissed. “It’s been weeks. What makes you think you can just insert yourself into _my life_ and then disappear?”

Steve blinked in alarm and thrust his flowers at her, holding them out between them at arm’s length. “I’m sorry, I know you can’t actually touch these, but they’re for you.”

Natasha’s eyes darted to the flowers for a moment, then back up to Steve’s face. She pressed her lips together and for a second there, he couldn’t read her. It was like she was trying not to laugh or something, which… might have been a good sign, but he couldn’t be sure. Shaking her head a little, she sat down on the edge of her bed, crossed her arms over her chest, and looked up at him. “Go on. Explain.”

Steve sighed and sat down beside her, keeping the flowers in a bunch beside him. “I was upset,” he said slowly. He’d rehearsed this, but fuck if he couldn’t remember anything he’d said before. “When I saw you and Clint, I just--- panicked.”

“Why?”

Steve shifted uncomfortably. “Be-cause,” he started, actively avoiding her gaze. He didn’t go any further and Natasha rolled her eyes, which prompted him to try again. “I was jealous,” he mumbled. “I know it doesn’t make any sense and it’s not right and I get it, but… that’s how I felt.”

Natasha looked like she didn’t know which way to run, so Steve groaned and leaned back on the bed with his hands over his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m really sorry. It’s gotta be kind of daunting to have a-- a ghost saying things like that, right?”

He felt the bed dip beside him and looked over to find Natasha staring right back at him.

“I missed you,” she whispered. “I thought you’d gone for good, or that I was just crazy from the beginning and you were never really there…”

“I missed you too,” he admitted. “And I’d never really leave you, Nat, not ever. And definitely not willingly. I love you.”

The last three words hung in the air between them to the point where Steve swallowed and turned his head to stare at the ceiling. It wasn’t like anything could come of this. It didn’t _matter_ if she rebuffed him because he was dead. He was some kind of lonely ghost, doomed to… to what? Love a living person until the day she died and joined him? This wasn’t some sick fairy tale where death would bring them together. He wouldn’t allow it.

And really, what did he think was going to happen? In all the time he’d known her, Natasha had never said that she loved anyone. Why would that streak be broken now?

To his surprise, Natasha didn’t panic. She rolled onto her side and watched him for a few seconds before standing up near the edge of the bed. They weren’t being watched anymore; that was evident not only in the fact that she was speaking to him out loud, but by the way she pulled her shirt over her head. She was showing off for him in a way that wouldn’t make sense to someone watching and since she was too cautious for that, there had to be a change in security. If Steve didn’t know any better, and he really didn’t, he’d say Natasha directly had something to do with that.

He swallowed hard and sat up as she shimmied out of her leggings and crawled back onto the bed with him. She looked beautiful just like that, in a matching bra and panty set with her hair still tied up on top of her head. Steve wanted to touch her so badly at that moment, just to find out how smooth her skin was and how soft her hair was and--

“Steve.”

His attention was brought back to the present and he licked his lips. “I don’t understand.”

Natasha looked so confident of herself. “Care to return the favor?”

Steve considered his own shirt for a second to make sure that his heart couldn’t actually be seen thumping up against his ribcage. With shaking hands, he unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off, hesitating just a moment before following through with his shoes and pants as well. His boxers did very little to hide… well, anything, but he put his hands in his lap to try.

“You’ve got a lot hiding under all that plaid,” she quipped.

Steve let out a nervous laugh. “Thanks, I think.”

“You’ve never done this before, have you?”

It was a sore spot, but he knew she didn’t mean anything by it. “No, I haven’t.”

Natasha changed her position to sit cross legged beside him. It was more relaxed; he figured she did that on purpose to make him feel more at ease.

“If you were here right now,” she started. “I mean, if you were _really_ here, what would you do?”

Steve’s face heated up immediately and he ducked his head into one hand, leaving the other in his lap. God, there was no way he could answer that without feeling like a complete idiot.

“Right now,” he mumbled with his mouth half covered. “All I can think about is touching you.”

Natasha smiled and leaned back a little bit, lifting her right hand to cup her breast. “Like this?”

Steve was pretty sure the half of his blood that wasn’t currently filling his dick was definitely in his face. “I think I’d start a little slower,” he said quietly.

“So, maybe like this.” Natasha let her hand wander over her own waist and stomach, idly letting her legs spread out a little bit so she could run both hands over her thighs and back up, crossing her arms over her chest to touch them as well. “I bet you have warm hands.”

“I did,” he huffed softly. “Kind of ran hot after I-- got like this.”

Natasha smiled again as she continued to touch herself. “Tell me what to do.”

Uh. “T-take your hair down?”

Natasha complied and smiled as she shook it out over her shoulders.

“I’m sorry, I just--”

“Keep going,” she urged lightly. “I know you want to.”

He did want to, but he _wanted_ to touch her. He wanted to do this himself.

“I want to see all of you,” he blurted out. “Please.”

All of a sudden, the light tone Natasha had tried to establish faded as she unhooked her bra and tossed that away followed closely by her panties. This would be the first time Steve had ever seen a naked woman in this kind of context and his fingers itched not only to touch, but to draw.

“You’re really beautiful, you know that?”

She knew it, and he knew that she knew, but he said it anyway.

“You should join me,” she suggested. “So I’m not the only naked one here.”

Steve wasn’t so sure that was a good idea, but he acquiesced and stood up to pull his shorts off. It felt weird knowing that Natasha could see all of him, especially considering the fact that he was hard as a goddamn rock. The soft red color that had filled his cheeks seeped down to his chest and he struggled to find somewhere to put his arms for the time being.

“How are you so perfect?” She asked. “Physically _perfect_.”

Because of the serum, he imagined. “They made me this way,” he shrugged.

Natasha must have taken that as some kind of cryptic answer, because she smiled. “Well, _they_ did a good job,” she teased lightly. “I just wish I could touch you.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he murmured, letting his gaze wander over her bare skin.

“Do you?” She murmured back. Her hand drifted from where it was resting on her thigh to her breast, where she lightly brushed her thumb over her nipple. “Watch me, then.”

Steve’s brow furrowed, but he kept his gaze on her as she fondled her own breasts and arched her back for more. He tried not to actually drool, but there was no way to hide the problem in his lap as she continued to touch herself, especially not when her hand drifted down between her legs. Steve was pretty sure he let out a low, strangled sound when she opened herself up to him and let him watch as her fingers stroked the soft, pink folds inside.

“Touch yourself,” she panted lightly. “Go on.”

Steve didn’t have the will to protest. He sat back a little bit and carefully took himself in hand, shuddering from head to toe as he began to stroke himself.

“How does it feel?”

“S-so good,” he stammered. Her fingers were inside her now, slowly rocking back and forth as she bit her lip and leaned into it. Steve felt like he was going to explode, and not just in the obvious way.

Natasha licked her lips and spread her legs a little wider so he could see how deeply she was pressing her fingers in, then how she was rubbing near the top of her slit instead. “This feels amazing,” she said huskily. “But your fingers would be so much better. They’re so big…”

Steve could actually feel his cock twitch against the palm of his hand. He wouldn’t have known what he was doing if he were really there with her; he’d probably mess it up somehow. Even with the serum, even with all the physical improvements… he still felt like he had no business touching something so beautiful. He’d just fuck it up.

“Stop thinking,” she told him. “Just watch me, and touch yourself.”

Steve nodded a little and began to move his hand again as Natasha readjusted her position and pressed her fingers deep inside again. This time, their eyes met after a while and Steve took in just how relaxed she looked right now; her lips were soft and parted, her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes were struggling to stay open to keep watching him. He wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked, but the words failed him.

“That’s it,” she praised. He could see how her hips were moving slightly to meet the thrusts of her fingers and desperately wanted to be the one who made her feel like that, but he’d have to push that aside for now. “If you were really here, I’d put you in my mouth,” she offered. Steve practically whined and felt his cheeks heating up immediately. Goddamnit. Natasha gave him a wicked smile. “You’d like that, huh?”

Again, Steve nodded. “Yeah,” he breathed. “Yeah, I’d like it a lot.”

“I’d like it too. And then you could…”

“Return the favor,” Steve finished. “You’d have to show me.”

Natasha groaned. “You’ve never done this before,” she panted again. “Oh my God, I’d have to teach you.”

Steve huffed out a soft laugh. “Yeah, you’d have to teach me. Show me the ropes. But I’m a fast learner and I’d do _anything_ to please you--”

Natasha moaned again and lifted her free hand to her breast, where she idly rolled her nipple between two fingers. “Tell me more,” she demanded. “Tell me what else you’d want to do.”

Steve’s hand nearly stopped, but he soldiered on and tried to think about a good way to put some of the thoughts going through his head.

“I’d want to-- to kiss you all over,” he got out eventually. “And just bury my head between your thighs and let you show me how to make you make those sounds…” More. Steve just told himself to keep going considering how she was biting her lip. “I’d want to be inside you,” he added. “And I wouldn’t stop until you were satisfied, no matter how long it took…”

“Uhh, I’d want to ride you,” she added after a moment. “Just grab onto those shoulders and ride until I was shaking with it.”

Steve had to squeeze the base of his cock to hold off. “A-are you close?” Close, that is, to whatever happened when a woman had an orgasm. “I’m close.”

“So close.” Natasha bit her lower lip again and let her head fall back as her hips rutted forward against her fingers. “I’m so close.”

“I wanna see you,” he protested. “Let me see you?”

Natasha picked her head up and they locked eyes for the moment. He could see her brow crease and his lips parted as he let out a groan he’d been holding back and came hard in his hand. It had been a long time since he’d even bothered, but it felt like longer than that. And his gaze went right back to Natasha to find out what would happen when she came.

As it turned out, Natasha just kind of shuddered and gasped when it happened. Her thighs twitched as she closed them fast around her hand, idly rocking her hips forward while she worked her way through it. Steve was practically spellbound by it, to be honest. He wanted to draw her even now, with her hair a mess and her skin flushed-- actually, he probably wanted to draw her more now than he ever had.

When she was finished, Natasha shifted to curl up beside him, but when she reached for his hand, hers went right through. She smiled.

“I guess it’s only in times of crisis,” she quipped, looking up at him. “That was fun.”

Steve nodded as he awkwardly grabbed his boxers and pulled them back on. It felt weird to be naked. “Yeah, it was.”

“You know, sex was never really fun for me,” she shared after a moment. “It was just a means to an end.” She paused and curled up a little tighter, eventually tugging her blanket over her just so she wasn’t lying there in the buff. “I know that wasn’t-- traditional, but it felt real to me anyway. It’s the first time I’ve ever been with someone I care about.”

Steve wished he could put his arms around her. No one should have had to go through what she did; they’d taught her to use her body as a weapon in more ways than one. They’d given her the idea, the _belief_ , that she was worthless unless she was getting a job done.

“It felt real to me too,” he said quietly. “I just wish I could _actually_ touch you.”

Natasha rolled onto her back and looked up at him again. Steve immediately shifted to lay down beside her and turned his head so their eyes met. “No regrets, though. Right?”

“No regrets,” he echoed immediately. He felt closer to her somehow, if only because he knew she’d opened herself up to him in another way that made her feel vulnerable. Sex hadn’t been something done for pleasure in her past; it was something done to get the upper hand. This experience they’d had together was definitely not anything but pleasurable for both of them. “You’re amazing.”

She ducked her head shyly at the compliment and that in and of itself was an indication of how comfortable she was with him. She had been so entirely confident and stunning while they had been otherwise engaged, and now… now, well she was _still_ stunning. In the aftermath, while they basked in the proverbial glow, it felt as if their entire relationship had changed and yet, it was stronger. The bond between them had deepened and Steve couldn’t quite explain it but it felt _right_ in a way it hadn’t before. He held her gaze as they laid side by side and despite the many obstacles they had in their path of being actually together, at that very moment, he felt totally and completely happy being there with her.

“So, you love me.”

His heart rate quickened. Natasha didn’t look scared at his earlier admission. In fact, it was as if she understood exactly what it meant. “I do.”

“As a friend?”

His first instinct was to disagree. Natasha was looking at him expectantly, as if she already knew what his answer would be. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was certainly the easier choice since they couldn’t be physically together. She was clearly giving him an out and after this, they could pretend it had never happened. Except… it wasn’t what he wanted. Whatever happened after this, he knew he would always cherish the experience for what it was.

Screw expectations and normalcy. He would take whatever he could get.

Steve shook his head. “No, Nat. Not as a friend.”

She looked visibly shocked, but he just plowed on.

“I love you. In every way possible. And you know what? It’s _so unfair_ that I had to _die_ in order to meet you because what kind of afterlife is this? I mean, how could we possibly be together?” He took another breath and closed his eyes, feeling the anger seep out of him slowly. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat before looking at her again. “But at the same time, I’m so grateful to have been able to meet you. I can’t imagine my life without you…” He gave her a small smile. “I guess you could say that you complete my afterlife. You’re my whole world, Nat.”

She inched closer and he wished he could just bury his face in her hair. “Promise me you won’t leave me,” she whispered. “I don’t like it when you’re gone for too long.”

He smiled. “I promise I’ll always come back, okay?” He didn’t know if he could keep such a promise, but he made it anyway, knowing that he would try his hardest to stay with her always.

She hummed. “Good.”

“But Nat, ultimately what I really want is for you to be happy. And if that’s with Clint or whomever—“

Natasha shook her head. “I’m not with Clint. I thought that was what I wanted, but nothing is going to happen between us.”

“I don’t understand.” Did Clint reject her? Was he _crazy?_ Natasha was _everything!_ How could he reject her? He opened his mouth, ready to voice his objections and all the reasons as why Clint was an idiot when she let out a soft laugh.

“It’s not my secret to tell, but let’s just say that Clint and I came to an understanding as to what our relationship is.” She began to drift and Steve turned onto his side, getting as close to her as he possibly could. They couldn’t touch, but he couldn’t deny that there was some kind of sensation between them whenever they tried. She smiled as his fingers closed around her wrist and her eyes fluttered shut. “I’m exactly where I want to be, Steve. Right here with you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With more amazing cover art, this time by faith2nyc! <33

“Agent Romanoff, I’d like you to meet Agent Coulson. He’s going to be overseeing your missions from now on. I don’t think I have to babysit you anymore.”

Natasha felt a surge of pride and straightened up a little bit as she held out her hand to Coulson. “You can call me Natasha if you want,” she said easily.

“Phil,” he answered kindly. “It’s a pleasure. I think you and I are going to make a good team.”

From that moment, it was the start of a beautiful friendship. Natasha respected Coulson more than she could say; not only was he a damn good agent, but he operated with endless integrity and bravery despite the fact that he was only a man with regular training. He didn’t have her rigorous background or even Clint’s unique abilities-- he was just a guy who wanted to do what was right. In some ways, he actually reminded her of Steve.

“You’re practically twins,” she told him one night. “Coulson’s so wholesome and you’re--”

“I’m an army vet with more kills to my name than I can count, can we not refer to me as--”

“Just as wholesome,” she continued flawlessly. “I mean, American as apple pie.”

Steve pouted from where he was lounging on her bed while she made dinner. “Yeah, like I’ve never heard that before,” he quipped.

“So they’re giving me my first solo mission,” Natasha sampled the sauce she was currently stirring and when she deemed it satisfying enough, poured it into her pasta. “Kind of. Coulson will be there in the beginning but I think I get full reigns on this one.”

“What’s the mission?”

“I have to go undercover and infiltrate Stark Industries. Fury wants me to assess whether or not Stark is an appropriate fit for the new Avengers Initiative that SHIELD is putting together. Plus, we think he’s ill and not letting anyone know about his condition.”

“--Wait, _Stark_?” Steve sat up, suddenly very interested in the conversation they were having. “As in Howard Stark?”

“Tony Stark. Howard’s son, it looks like.” Natasha grabbed her tablet that was off to the side and began swiping through the profile that SHIELD had provided. Steve stood behind her and looked over her shoulder as the images appeared before him. “Did you know his dad?”

“Yeah,” Steve swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat upon seeing the images of Howard’s obituary flashing across the screen. “He was my friend. I didn’t know he passed on.”

“Well, maybe you can visit him in Heaven?” She suggested upon seeing the look of distress on Steve’s face. “You can do that right? See people that you haven’t seen in a long time?”

Steve looked thoughtful. “I mean, in theory I could, I suppose. I haven’t really tried that hard to look for anyone. The people I have run into, I’ve stumbled upon them by accident. To be honest, I’ve only ever really seen my parents because they sought me out… I spend all my free time with you, otherwise.” He smiled. “It would be nice to see Howard again.”

“Heaven sounds a bit lonely if you can’t see all the people that you want to see,” Natasha said.

“I’m gonna have to find a way to start looking for people then.”

As time went on, Natasha began preparing for her mission, carefully considering all the details that went into her new persona. ‘Natalie Rushman’ was a former model, currently seeking employment experience to further her chosen new career. The plan was to get hired as Pepper Potts’ personal assistant since Tony Stark had handed the reigns of his company over to her and she became CEO. Natasha was certainly having a lot of fun coming up with the backstory for Natalie. She was the girl from legal.

“Explain to me again why you have to pose half-naked for this job,” Steve grumbled one day, as he watched Natasha perch on some faux white fur. If he was being honest with himself, he was only a _tiny bit_ jealous and he didn’t particularly like the way she was dressed so scantily clad… unless she was dressed that way for _just him_ with no one else around to see. It wasn’t like he could do anything about it, but still. He wanted to be the only one who saw her this way. She ignored him, and it wasn’t like he was expecting a response since Clint Barton was in the room taking pictures of her while she posed. But he still felt slightly irritated. “How are half-naked pictures of you supposed to help you infiltrate Stark Industries?”

Steve frowned further while Clint made suggestions and snapped picture after picture. Natasha looked amazing, of course, but what did this have to do with anything unless---

“You’re not going to…” He raised his eyebrows in a silent question and Natasha waited for Clint to begin examining the pictures to give him a look that said she disapproved of the very idea. “Because that would be strange,” he mumbled defensively. “Really strange.” She gave a slight shake of her head, which Steve took to mean ‘no’ to his question and he felt relieved. Given what had happened between them, Steve found himself feeling very protective in the aftermath and maybe it was selfish on his part, but he craved her more than ever.

And he didn’t like sharing in this retrospect.

“Remind me what the point of this was again,” Clint asked as he began putting away the camera equipment and Natasha stood up to slip on a robe.

“My thoughts precisely,” Steve muttered.

Natasha let out an exaggerated sigh, though there was a smirk playing at the corner of her lips and she shrugged. “Stark is a brilliant and wealthy man, who more than likely can’t resist the company of a lovely woman as evidenced by the many public engagements he’s partaken in. What better way to draw him in? Getting hired at Stark Industries will be a piece of cake.”

“If you say so,” Clint shrugged.

“Think I can pull this off?” Natasha asked.

“Have no doubt in my mind that you will,” Clint replied. “Fury wouldn’t have given this mission to you if he didn’t think he could trust you with it.”

“Thanks,” she said as they walked along the corridor to their respective rooms, Steve following close behind. “And what does your mission entail?”

“0-8-4 in New Mexico.”

“What’s an 0-8-4?” Steve asked.

Natasha resisted the urge to turn to Steve. “Really… An object of unknown origin? Any idea what it is?”

“Coulson said it looked like a hammer,” Clint shrugged. “But I guess I’ll find out when I get to Puente Antiguo.”

* * *

As far as missions went, it seemed like a simple one on paper. Tony Stark took one look at ‘Natalie Rushman’ and had immediately decided that she was to be his personal assistant. Natasha was counting on his predilection for ‘pretty’ things, so she made sure to keep her face open and kind during their first meeting assuming that he would fall for the act right away.

Admittedly, she hadn’t counted on being put in the ring with Happy, who practically spat in her face as he asked her about whether or not she’d boxed before and referenced ‘booty boot camp’ like she was some kind of _civilian_. She showed him, though. It wasn’t a conscious choice, but the second a fist came towards her, her instincts kicked in and showed him a thing or two.

Thankfully, Tony didn’t seem to mind.

“He’s not even hiding how much he’s ogling you,” Steve grumbled from the corner. “Definitely his father’s son, I mean, are you kidding me? He’s practically drooling.”

Natasha just smiled and took Tony’s fingerprint so she could get on with the legal paperwork necessary to transfer Stark Industries to Pepper, who _really_ didn’t seem to like her very much. But Tony? She was ‘quiet’. ‘Reserved’. ‘An old soul’.

Not even two weeks later, she was called in to aide Mr. Stark personally and happily took a flight to Monaco to meet him and Pepper once she’d confirmed all the details for their plans there. She dressed carefully, selecting a dress that was flattering and just coquettish enough to ensure that Tony would find her attractive and indispensable. After all, she needed to stick around to keep a close eye on him since no one else seemed to notice that he was sick.

And then all hell broke loose and it was _killing_ Natasha to not be able to intervene. She reported to Fury that Tony had decided to race his own goddamn car and watched helplessly beside Pepper as the race went on. As-- as someone walked onto the track and unleashed a weapon not unlike the Iron Man suit itself. Natasha couldn’t deny how her pulse picked up as it all went on, but she knew she had to stay put. She couldn’t _do_ anything--- but Pepper could! She watched as Pepper and Happy ran out of the restaurant with Tony’s case in hand and waited somewhat impatiently to see them on the track on TV. They got there, thankfully, but they didn’t exactly make a smooth exit.

And then things got interesting, except that ‘interesting’ in this case meant sad and kind of depressing. Natasha knew that Tony was deteriorating and watching him try to deal with that was not unlike watching Clint try to function without coffee. It was made all the more worse in that she couldn’t step up and help; she had to watch, and wait.

“Maybe he doesn’t want help,” Steve added not-so-helpfully. “Why isn’t he telling anyone?”

“Would you?” Natasha asked when they were alone. Steve got quiet after that.

On his birthday, she went to Tony under the guise of needing his help to select a watch for the evening. He looked troubled already, but she did her best to look past all that and make him put his guard down. And he did. He let them right down and asked her something that made it clear he was _much_ more ill than he was letting on.

“I’d do anything I want to do,” she answered, glancing at Steve. “With anyone I want to do it with.” It was meant to be flirtatious comment, but she knew Steve would understand. She wanted the chance to be with him, really _with_ him, and if it was her very last birthday then that would be her birthday wish. Steve smiled and nodded in agreement. “If it was my last day, I’d want to spend it with you,” he told her.

As she carefully covered up the bruises on Tony’s face, Steve sighed and landed on the couch nearby.

“This guy’s gonna get himself killed,” he muttered. “I know that look.” He glanced at Tony and shook his head. “This is _not_ going to be good.”

Sure enough, Tony decided that what he wanted to do was get _plastered_ and fuck around in his Iron Man suit in the presence of a whole bunch of civilians. Natasha had changed into a dress that made Steve a little angry (in a good way, because he wanted her to dress up like that for him, not for Tony) and very nearly broke her cover just to slap some sense into Stark before he killed someone, or himself, or broke something that couldn’t be fixed! But Rhodey stepped in and she breathed a sigh of relief until they came toppling through the ceiling and nearly had her acting on instinct all over again.

In the aftermath, a few things were clear: Tony was off the deep end, Fury had to step in, and Natasha would have to reveal who she was in order to keep things going. Tony couldn’t be trusted on his own right now. He needed a push in the right direction.

The look on his face was so priceless that even Steve let out a bark of laughter.

And maybe Natasha got a bit of perverse pleasure jabbing that medication into Tony’s neck.

All in all, it was a good decision on Fury’s part and a decision that managed to bring joy not just to Natasha and Steve, but to Coulson, who happily threatened Tony’s well-being if he didn’t behave the way Fury needed him to. It was _satisfying_ , even if they were really doing it for Tony’s own good.

“So you’re gonna be working with Pepper now?” Steve couldn’t hide how happy he was that Natasha wouldn’t be Tony’s assistant anymore. Pepper might not have liked her all that much, but she respected that ‘Natalie’ was something of an asset as well. She’d work her ass off and _maybe_ she’d actually make a friend. “You two make a really scary pair.”

“Scary?” Natasha glanced up from where she was rolling on her pantyhose and gave him a look. “What’s that supposed to mean? Are you saying that because we’re two powerful women in a situation where we have control over others that we’re _scary_?”

Steve blinked. “I couldn’t possibly be less likely to say anything like that,” he said honestly. “You’re scary in the-- you two could take over the goddamn world without breaking a sweat sort of scary.” He grinned. “It’s kind of hot.”

Natasha rolled her eyes and continue getting dressed, but she was definitely pleased that Steve liked her dominant side so much. She liked being in charge of herself and her own life; it wouldn’t be so great if Steve didn’t like her the way she happened to be. In some ways, it was kind of like old times -- Steve tagging along on her missions, observing and commenting as she went about her work… only this time, her work was something she could be proud of instead of hanging her head in shame. Instead of looking away in horror, Steve was looking at her with admiration.

She probably would never admit it to him, but she loved that he looked at her in this way.

“I’m just sticking around to make sure Tony’s taken care of,” she explained as she pulled her dress on. “And I’m going to be watching out for Pepper too, since she’s so important to him.”

Time actually went very quickly in Pepper’s employ. Natasha was given lots to do and kept up with all of it, of course, but it was actually really nice to get to know her as a person as well. If she loved Tony, because she absolutely did, then there was definitely something more to him than the arrogant, alcoholic playboy Natasha had seen and the depressed guy who’d asked her what she would do on her last birthday.

But he was still fucking frustrating. When he showed up at Pepper’s office one day having clearly ducked Coulson, she had no choice but to threaten him with making sure he was sent back to his workshop-- and prove that she could speak Latin if she wanted to. Damnit.

“Yeah, you tell him,” Steve laughed from off to the side.

Steve was still pleased with the change and absolutely commented on Natasha and Pepper as a pair again as they arrived at the Stark Expo and strutted up the stairs together. He was right there as they sat down, but he stood off to the side with his arms crossed over his chest and a stern look on his face as Hammer presented his drones.

“What the hell is this guy thinking? You think you can just replace all the men in the military with these _machines_?”

Clearly outraged, he shook his head as the demonstration continued and continued as Tony joined them and landed on the stage. Everyone assumed there was going to be another fight, but it looked like Tony was waving along with Rhodey? He couldn’t possibly _agree_ with any of this. As the suits began to take off on their own and chaos ensued, Natasha followed Pepper in a mad dash towards the main control panels and wound up putting Hammer over a table to get answers out of him. It worked, thankfully, and she didn’t have time to answer questions as she marched back out of the arena and towards the car.

“Where the hell are you going?” Steve demanded as he rushed after her. “Nat. Nat, you can’t just fight this guy on your own!”

“The hell I can’t,” she muttered under her breath. Seconds later, she was getting changed in the back of Happy’s car and Steve was glaring at Happy from the passenger seat as he nearly drove off the road for the chance to see Natasha half naked.

They arrived at Hammer’s facility soon enough and Steve watched in absolute awe as Natasha took down a dozen men one by one in all sorts of ways. He knew she had skills, obviously, but he’d never seen her like this. He’d never seen her take down so many in a row-- most of her missions involved espionage, not outright fighting. If he could have frozen time and kissed her right then and there once she’d maced that last henchman, he would have. In fact, he would have done a whole lot more than just kiss her no matter how inappropriate that might have been.

But as luck would have it, Natasha’s target had left already. Instead of taking down the enemy, she got into the computer and rebooted the Iron Man suit that had gone rogue, the suit that Rhodey was wearing. Steve watched in fascination as she made it look so incredibly easy; he was pretty sure he would have been staring at the damn thing until drool came out of his mouth. But that was just because he had no experience; computers hadn’t exactly been a thing back in the 40’s, so all he knew was what he saw while he was with Natasha.

When it was all over, Natasha retired to her room and sat down with her tablet while Steve peered over her shoulder to see what she was doing. His eyebrows very nearly hit his hairline.

“They asked you to write a report on Tony?”

“To assess him for recruitment for the Avengers Initiative, actually.”

Steve moved to sit down beside her. “What is that, exactly?”

Natasha explained and Steve nodded slowly. “So, it’s a team. Basically.”

“Basically. But Stark is-- volatile.” She shook her head. “I don’t know if I can actually recommend him.”

“Iron Man seems like a good guy to have on your side,” Steve admitted.

“Right.” Natasha began tapping at her tablet. “But Tony’s another story.”

It took her almost an hour to get everything down on paper, but her end assessment was--

“Kind of brutal, don’t you think?”

Natasha shrugged. “That’s how I feel.”

“Prone to compulsive behavior…” Steve mumbled the words to himself. “Self destructive… Narcissistic behavior… I’m not saying I disagree with you, but you’re basically saying Iron Man, yes; Tony Stark, no. How’s that even going to work?”

“It doesn’t matter how it’s going to work,” Natasha said easily. “It’s just my assessment. I doubt they’re going to hang everything in the world on what I’ve got to say.”

* * *

After her mission had been completed successfully with minor casualties, things relatively went back to normal and life became quiet again-- as quiet as it could be for an elite spy and master assassin. Training sessions resumed and spare moments were spent with Steve, who always seemed to be nearby now. She’d taken to renting movies and they would sit together in the evenings watching as story after story unfolded. It was easily the happiest that Natasha could ever remember being.

“Hey Tasha.” Clint joined her for breakfast one morning, interrupting her time with Steve, though he didn’t know it. “Got any plans for the weekend?”

“Uh..” Natasha paused, resisting the urge to turn and look at Steve, who was sitting beside her. She did have plans, but it wasn’t like she could tell anyone that she was hanging out with a ghost. “Why?” She asked.

“Well, I was thinking of taking off for the weekend since we don’t have any urgent missions at the moment,” Clint grinned. “Wanna come join me in searching for a funkytown to hang out in for the next couple days?”

Funkytown. It was their code word for ‘visiting the Barton family’ whenever they were out in public. As soon as the invitation was extended, there was a part of Natasha that did want to go… but alas, the other part didn’t. She already had plans. She smiled and shook her head. “I think you should probably go on your own. Spend some time soul searching or something.”

Clint frowned. “Come on, Tasha. I’m getting a bit worried about you. You’ve been spending too much time by yourself lately. You need human interaction.”

“I interact with people,” Natasha objected.

“Kicking their asses in training sessions does not count as human interaction,” Clint rolled his eyes. “Come on… if you’re lucky, there may be some homemade gumbo in it for you.” He gave her a winning smile.

Fuck. Laura’s homemade gumbo was to die for. Clint had received a home care package one day and he’d let her try some, and ever since then, Natasha had a hankering for Laura’s gumbo. But nonetheless, she wasn’t deterred. She smiled and shook her head. “Maybe next time?”

“Tasha, please? What were you planning on doing today anyway… sitting in your room and watching movies all day--- all weekend? _Alone?_ ”

“Nat, if you want spend the day with Clint, you can,” Steve spoke up from next to her. “We watch movies all the time, we don’t have to watch any today.”

Natasha smiled and shook her head as she stood up. “I’ll be fine, Clint. Don’t worry, okay? I promise, I’ll join you next time.”

Steve was quiet as he followed her back to her headquarters, not speaking up until the doors slid shut behind her. “Nat, I’m sorry… I didn’t realize that I was taking up all your time. Your friends must miss you.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t have many friends.” Natasha disappeared into her closet, emerging half-dressed and with a sweater draped over one arm. Steve’s eyes darkened at the sight of her in a navy blue lace bra and his eyes roamed over her form appreciatively, admiring the way her jeans hugged her hips. “I’ll make time to hang out with Clint later.”

“You look nice,” Steve licked his lips. “Not that I’m complaining but… it’s a little fancy for watching movies all day, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you rather be comfortable in pjs or something?”

“We’ll watch movies a little later,” she grinned as she pulled her sweater over her head and pulled on a jacket. “But I have some other things for us to do this morning.”

“What kind of things?” Steve asked as he followed her back out. His eyebrows rose when he realized that she led him to where the quinjet was parked, ready and waiting to be flown. “Okay…” He said slowly as Natasha made herself comfortable in the pilot seat. “I guess we’re leaving DC. Where are we going?”

She grinned. “You’ll see.”

“Why, Miss Romanoff, are you taking me out on a date?”

The sound of her laugh made him happier than anything else in that moment. “Sure am.”

Steve stared at his surroundings with awe. He and Natasha were standing in the middle of Times Square, surrounded by hundreds people and busy streets. Every which way he turned, sky scrapers filled his vision and flashing billboards bigger than anything he’d ever seen or could imagine pulled his attention. There were people dressed in costumes wandering about, hoping to entrap tourists into taking a photo for money… he could see Mickey Mouse wandering around with Goofy mingling with Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story. It was overwhelming to see New York City like this, hustling and bustling… It was different from New York City in the 1940s. Very, very, _very different_ from what he remembered of what was once his home.

“New York is… a lot.” Steve brushed away a strand of hair that had fallen in front of his eyes and let out a breath to calm his nerves. “I mean, it was always lively back when I was alive and downtown Manhattan was always the place to be… but it was never like this. It wasn’t so… flashy.”

“Things are changing all the time,” Natasha shrugged and smiled. “Change isn’t necessarily a bad thing though.”

From Times Square, they walked to Rockefeller Center and spent a couple hours admiring the views from the top of the building. Then, from Rockefeller, they made their way to Grand Central Station, a sight that was both familiar and new to Steve. And from there, stories of Steve’s previous life began to come out and Natasha soaked up every tidbit that she learned about him.

“My ma used to have to take the train into the city for work… I would always go to Bucky’s house after school and wait until she came to pick me up. Life was a little bit easier when Bucky and I became friends and she didn’t have to worry about me as much. Ma came to love Bucky like he was her own, and Bucky’s family loved me like a son too. We were inseparable.”

“We never had a lot of money growing up, so on the days that were warm, I would always go to Prospect Park and see if I could make money drawing people’s portraits. I made pretty decent money from doing that. If I hadn’t joined the army, I think I would’ve loved to have gone to art school.”

“I used to get into so many fights. Lord, Bucky was always having to step up in my defense even when I didn’t want him to. I was pretty small, you know? Got beat up quite a bit in my day. But even then, I was still talking back even when I knew I couldn’t overpower them. Never liked bullies, I guess. And something in me just couldn’t let it go.”

“Even after I got big, nobody in the army ever really took me seriously, at least not at first. But my unit? They were a really great group of guys. Actually, I saw a few of them the other day! Cried like a baby upon seeing them... Dum Dum, Gabe… and Sawyer, saw everyone except Bucky… I still don’t know where Bucky is... ”

“I mean, Bucky was kind of a little shit but in the good way, you know? I refuse to believe that he’s rotting in hell somewhere because he was a good person. He’s gotta be in Heaven somewhere and just hasn’t turned up yet…” 

“I was sick all the time growing up. Was in and out of the hospital quite a bit. My poor Ma, it was always so hard on her... she was a nurse in a TB ward in 1936. Got hit and couldn't shake it. I never got to say goodbye to her. Winnie, that’s Bucky’s mom, wouldn’t let me go to the hospital on the chance that I might catch TB as well, with how easily sick I got.”

“The ladies never wanted to go out with me. Peggy was the closest I ever got to having an actual date, but I died before anything could really happen. It was Bucky that was always the ladies man. He used to try and set me up with whichever friend his girl could find on short notice. Those double dates were always awkward because the girls were never expecting someone like me. They thought they would be getting someone tall, dark, and handsome -- instead, they got me. None of them ever wanted to dance with with me after the first look.”

Natasha scoffed. “Their loss.”

Steve just laughed at her indignation on his behalf. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. Their perfumes use to always make me sneeze anyway. I was allergic to everything under the sun.”

They eventually ended up at Central Park and wandered slowly through the pathways until they came upon the Bethesda Fountain and found a secluded spot in the shade beneath the trees. It was a beautiful day with clear skies and the sun shining down on them, kids running around the park with kites trailing after them, and street performers could be heard singing from over by the terrace. With Natasha relaxing beside him as she leaned against a tree eating a hot dog, Steve wished more than ever that he had his sketchbook with him so that he could draw her.

He was at his favorite place on earth, with his best girl.

It was the perfect day, the best one he could’ve imagined. Granted, it was unconventional, but it was the most outstanding date he had ever been on.

(The only date he had ever been on, but still.)

“Steve?”

“Hmm?” He looked over at Natasha, admiring the way she looked as he waited for her response. Her eyes were closed, her red hair swaying slightly as a breeze drifted through and her cheeks were flushed pink from their day spent in the sun. It was the most serene he had ever seen her, and she was absolutely breathtaking. Beautiful beyond words. Slowly her eyes fluttered open and her green eyes gazed at him. It made him so happy to see the depth of emotions that were swimming around in them. Natasha had come such a long way from when they first met. “What is it, Nat?”

“I love you.”

Time stopped. Happiness filled him along with despair because if he could have, he would’ve gathered her into his arms and kissed her as deeply as he could. It didn’t stop him from trying and he felt his heart crack when his hands went right through her. Tears sprang to his eyes and he held her gaze. Natasha admitting that she loved him was a _huge_ deal, a momentous event and he felt so, so, _so_ honored. “I love you too, Nat,” he breathed. “I love you so much.”

She smiled. “I know,” she told him. “I know you love me.”

“I really do, I love you with everything I am.” He couldn’t stop repeating the words. “You’re my whole world. I just wish I could give you everything you deserve.”

“What do you mean? You do. I have everything I could ever want, Steve.”

“No,” Steve shook his head. “You deserve more than this. You deserve someone that can physically be there for you. Someone that can touch you and hold your hand, kiss you whenever they feel like it. Someone to hug you. Someone to take you dancing! You deserve someone that can sit with you at dinnertime and not have the people around you looking at you in pity because it looks like you’re alone.”

“But I’m never alone, I have you. You’re always there.” Natasha shook her head, waving away his concerns. “And I don’t care what people think of me.”

“That’s not the point I’m making, Nat.”

“It doesn’t matter, Steve. Not to me--” _It should matter,_ he wanted to say. “--we have what we have, when we have it.” He would never be able to convey just how precious she was to him. What he would do for her. “I was never meant to have love, and I never thought I would have someone care about me. What we have? It’s enough for me. You’re enough for me, Steve. I wouldn’t give it up for anything.”

Any half-hearted protests that Steve had after hearing that, died on his lips as he swallowed the lump that had formed in this throat. He had to trust in the fact that Natasha knew what she was saying and that she knew what she wanted. She was an adult, she could make her own decisions. Ultimately, he knew that he didn’t want to hold her back from missing out on any of life’s experiences, but at the same time, it wasn’t like Natasha had experienced anything normal so far anyway. He licked his lips. “Nat?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we go somewhere private? Just the two of us, with no chance of anyone hearing us.”

She stared at him for a moment, before nodding. “I’ll get us a hotel room.”

* * *

Steve had to admit that being locked away in a hotel room with Natasha was a completely different experience. It felt real in a way that it hadn’t before, like he was really there with her or something. And when the door closed, the tension multiplied by at least ten and started to bear down on his shoulders. His hands practically itched with the urge to touch her, so he gave in this time and stepped closer, lifting his hands to her face.

Obviously he couldn’t really feel her, but there was _something_ in brushing his fingers over the smooth skin of her cheeks and watching her eyes close as she tipped her head back. For now, he just watched her and pretended he was actually feeling the warmth under his fingers despite the fact that he felt almost nothing at all.

Dropping his hands, he sighed and met her gaze as she opened her eyes. “Frustrating,” he mumbled teasingly. “Really frustrating.”

“Don’t I know it,” she smirked. “Come here and lay down with me.”

Steve followed her to the bed and watched as Natasha got undressed and slid under the sheets in her bra and panties. He didn’t hesitate to get rid of his own clothes and do the same, laying on his side facing her so he could try to commit every detail to memory.

Again, he found himself reaching out to touch her and this time, Natasha reached out to return the favor. He could feel the smallest tingling sensation on his chest where her fingers went through him and it wasn’t nearly enough, but he’d take what he could get.

“I can feel you a little bit, you know,” Natasha whispered. “It’s really light, though. Less than a feather.”

Steve smiled and let his hand drift down to her neck where he imagined he could feel her pulse beating fast and strong. “I can feel you too,” he admitted. “Just a little bit.”

Natasha arched her back and Steve let his hand move again, this time finding the curve of her breast. She exhaled like he was really touching her and Steve couldn’t help but want more of the little thrill that came with her reaction. He shifted a little bit and she laid back, allowing him to hover over her and lightly caress her sides, his fingertips just brushing the lace at the top of her panties.

In return, Natasha reached up to touch his shoulders and did what she could to hold onto him. They both knew that this would never really be enough; Steve wanted her, but she deserved more than just the illusion of a partner. And Natasha might have wanted to not mind, but even she wondered if she could be happy with no physical contact at all. Still, they touched and brushed up against one another as much as they could. Steve allowed his hand to drift between Natasha’s legs when she was finally bare and she said it tickled her inner thigh; Natasha took Steve in hand as well and they tried to take it seriously when she accidentally closed her hand over him, but wound up laughing together at the ridiculous nature of it all.

But this time, when Natasha eventually put her hand between her legs again, Steve wanted to be more present than he had the last time. He moved to lay on his stomach with his head between her knees and really watched her.

“I wish I could taste you,” he blurted out at some point.

Natasha let out a huff of surprised laughter. “Nice boys don’t say stuff like that, you know.”

Steve grinned. “Who said I was a nice boy?”

“What else are you thinking about?”

“I’m thinking about… how the last time you came like this, your whole body kind of shivered and tensed up. I’m thinking about how you make this _noise_ when you come that makes me want to kiss you until you’re dizzy.”

Natasha let out a soft moan. “What else?”

Steve smiled. “Well, after you came, I’d wrap you up in my arms and stroke your back and we’d fall asleep together until we woke up with enough energy to do it all over again,” he chuckled. “And I don’t know exactly how I’d do it, but I’d tire you out one way or another.”

“Never,” she panted. “But you could definitely try.”

“Oh, is that a challenge? Because if that’s a challenge, I’ll have you know that I wouldn’t just tire you out; I’d make sure you never wanted to be with anyone again because I’d satisfy you so _completely_ that you would never need to.”

Natasha smiled as she rocked her hips up against her fingers. “So arrogant.”

“Confident,” Steve corrected easily. “Kind of like how I’m _confident_ you’re close.”

He inched closer, until he could glance up at Natasha from right between her legs. “You know, I’m rock hard just watching you,” he said roughly. “You have no idea how badly I want to just be inside you.”

It didn’t take her long after that and Steve soaked up every second of it. He loved watching her; maybe it was the artist in him, but he really loved seeing her from all different angles, in all situations… He loved seeing the pleasure playing out on her face even as she snapped her legs together and shivered because it was all just too much.

“Don’t think you’re getting away that easy, soldier,” Natasha said as she calmed herself down. “Get up here and show me what you’ve got. _All_ of what you’ve got.”

Steve crawled up to the headboard and sat down so Natasha could see the evidence of his arousal. He was rock hard, as promised, and Natasha actually licked her lips at the sight.

Sighing lightly, she shook her head and glanced up at him. “I would suck the soul out of you,” she told him.

“Well, then I really wouldn’t have anything left,” he teased.

Natasha rolled her eyes and sat back. “You know, I think your dick is as perfect as the rest of you,” she deadpanned, which only made Steve hide his face for a moment and laugh. “I’m serious! It’s perfect. They could model dildos off you.”

“Oh my God,” he laughed again, both hands over his face now. The redness that had blossomed on his cheeks was slowly moving down to his chest at this point. “You’re insane.”

“Like a fox,” she announced. “I could make a killing with this idea.”

When he finally uncovered his face again, Natasha gave him a playful smile and bit her lip. “Go on,” she prompted. “It’s not the same, but I want to imagine I’m the one touching you.”

Steve went ahead and took himself in hand under Natasha’s watchful gaze. He didn’t have to try real hard to imagine her touching him; her hands would be gentle and smooth, but he knew she’d be commanding as well. She’d make sure that he was at her mercy for the length of it, that much was certain.

And her mouth? Steve didn’t exactly have the experience, but when Natasha licked her full lips he could just about imagine what they’d look like around him and it was _good._

It was so good, in fact, that he had to tip his head back a stroke himself a little faster.

“Mm, mm, mm, what _are_ you thinking about?” Natasha mused.

Steve huffed. “Just-- what it would feel like to have your mouth on me.”

She tutted at him. “So formal.”

“I-- was thinking about you sucking me off.”

Natasha laughed and Steve laughed right along with her, but she was better at this game than he would ever be- and she knew it.

“So you’re thinking about my lips _stretched_ around your cock.”

She leaned in and placed her hands right on top of his, and the feathery light sensation only added to the tidal wave of pleasure coming his way. Her right hand moved up to cup his cheek and her fingers trailed over his lips. Steve closed his eyes as he imagined her suckling on his lower lip and he let out a moan.

"I’ve fantasized about you, Steve. Wondered what you would taste like… wondered what it would feel like for you to touch me…” Her voice was low, husky and it was the sexiest sound he had ever heard. “...Wondered what you would look like above me as you fucked me as hard as you could.”

He let out another shaky breath as the images assaulted his mind. It wasn’t hard to imagine it at all. “Nat…”

He opened his eyes to find her smirking at him. He loved that expression on her face, the one that told him she was in charge, the one that was sassy and confident in all of the right ways. It was _so_ sexy, so damn _hot_... Steve was at her mercy, and there was no other place he would rather be. Her green eyes roamed over him and he felt the anticipation in his belly grow. He watched as her hands travelled back down, hovering over where he was still slowly stroking himself and the tickling sensation over the tip of his member made him release a growl from the back of this throat. “I’ve imagined you taking me against a wall… I can tell you’re strong, you’d be able to hold me up for hours as you pound into me over and over…”

“I definitely can,” he panted. “I know I can.”

“And that’s just _one_ fantasy, Steve. I have so many others… so many… want to hear them?”

“I do,” he moaned.

“Maybe I should keep them all to myself,” she teased as she leaned close to his ear. Steve felt a shudder go through him.

“Tell me more…”

“I’ve spent most of my life taking orders, Steve. I’m _very good_ at following orders… Would you want to be in charge of me? Would you like that?”

He held her gaze, and he knew that anything she wanted, he’d do his best to give it to her. “I would,” his voice was gruff, gravelly and entirely foreign to his own ears. “I’d fucking love that.”

“I’d be completely yours, Steve. Willingly. Whole-heartedly. Without an ounce of hesitation. Whatever you wanted to do to me, know this… I’d want it… _I’d love it.”_

And that was it. Steve cried out as his orgasm exploded, white hot and tearing through his body, a torrent of pleasure and hot bliss as he came. He could feel Natasha’s eyes on him, enraptured as she watched, and when his body settled against the sheets all serene and relaxed, he met her gaze to see her grinning at him devilishly and all smug. He let out a laugh upon seeing her expression. “Proud of yourself, are you?”

“Of course.” Natasha continued grinning, tossing her hair over her shoulder as she settled onto her side. “Sex is so much fun with you.”

A strand of her fell in front of her face and he reached out, trying to brush it back with no results. His hand went right through her, and he felt his spirits dampen just a little. “I wish I could give you more, Nat. I really wish I could satisfy you completely.”

Natasha was quiet for a moment. “Did you know that before you, I never really had an orgasm? With a partner, I mean. Sex was meaningless before you.” She blew the strand of hair out of her face and held his gaze. “We have what we have, when we have it.” She repeated her words from earlier in the afternoon and Steve gave her a small smile, wishing with all his heart that things could be different for them. “And you mean more to me than anything else in the world.”

“I remember the first time I ever saw you,” he told her softly. “The night before your graduation ceremony, you were by yourself chained to a bedpost in a room full of empty beds. I watched you as you woke up from a nightmare and all I wanted to do was get you out of there and protect you from all the evil in the world. I think I knew, even then, that you were special.”

“I helped facilitate some of that evil.”

Steve shook his head. “You’re so much better than you think you are, Nat. There’s a lot of good in you, so much good -- I see it everyday.”

“Yeah?” Natasha bit her lip. “Good enough to get into Heaven someday?”

“Yeah Nat,” Steve nodded. “I really do think that.”

“Then I’m going to keep trying to do good. I’ll make you proud, Steve,” Natasha looked at him with something more than a promise shining in her eyes. A vow. “And if I’m good enough… maybe… maybe someday we’ll get to be together. For real.”

He moved closer to her, as close as he possibly could without going right through her. “There’s nothing that I want more.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> Happy Monday, everyone!

Six weeks later, she and Clint had just returned from a mission in the early hours of the morning. As she was usually either out or in training, Steve tended to drop by later in the afternoon or evening. Natasha took her time showering and eating and eventually wandered back out into the common room to find Clint and Coulson still chatting about-- something. _Captain America?_

“If I didn’t know any better,” she said as she came into the room. “I’d say you had something of a crush on him. I mean, was he even that much of a big deal?”

As soon as she asked, she could feel the air around them shift into one of excitement. Coulson looked like he was about to throw more information at Natasha than she cared to handle, so she braced herself and waited.

“Of course he was a big deal! He was this-- _hero_ back in World War II. He was given the super soldier serum and went from this tiny guy to an action star, basically. And he single-handedly took down base after base after base of the enemy while he was in service.”

Natasha raised her eyebrows. “I read about the serum, but I guess I didn’t realize how much he did. I only read up on Howard Stark’s involvement. Anyway- what’s going on that’s got you so excited?”

“I’ve got these trading cards, right? He was on comic books and trading cards, he was on lunch boxes and he had action figures… But the cards. I _finally_ got a complete vintage set.”

He whipped out his phone and began showing Natasha pictures of the cards. The guy looked ridiculous all done up in red, white, and blue… Seriously, Russian propaganda was just as bad, but wow.

“Very nice,” she praised. “What happened to him?”

“No one really knows,” Coulson sighed. “HYDRA had a plane that was set to hit New York. It would have killed millions of people and Cap--- he got control of it, and crashed somewhere. They’ve always assumed he was somewhere in the arctic. No one’s ever found any trace of the plane and no one’s ever found his body. So he was assumed dead… almost seventy years ago.”

Natasha hummed as she looked at the pictures again. Captain America, huh?

“He’s iconic,” Coulson gushed. “I can’t believe you didn’t know.”

“Well, I didn’t exactly go to a normal school. Our history lessons were… skewed.”

In place of real history, she had fighting techniques and methods of persuasion. She had propaganda and the histories of regimes and who was in power at what time. Her information was constantly changing with the times, changing based on where she needed to be and what she needed to know. But Captain America did ring a soft bell in the back of her head.

He wasn’t Captain America to her masters, though. He was something else. He was an example, someone to learn from if only because he’d managed to prove himself against many, many enemies over the course of a couple of years. He came from nothing and became an irreplaceable asset for the United States.

_The Red Room, 1989._

_“Солдат, принеси это сюда.” [Soldier, bring her here.]_

_Natalia was dragged forward by a surly man holding her arm in an iron grip. He was imposing to begin with; long hair that fell into his eyes and a solid black mask over the bottom half of his face. He looked scary, like he wasn’t actually a man. She struggled at first, but the grip was tight enough to make her eyes water with tears and she stopped resisting before very long. She was pushed forward and fell onto her knees, the hard floor beneath her providing no padding and no protection at all. Her legs hurt, she was hungry, and her parents--_

_“Do you know why you are here?”_

_Natalia frowned. The man in front of her was speaking English, that much she knew. But as she didn’t know much English, she only gave him a funny look. The man smiled at her and it made her stomach twist into a tight knot that only got worse as he squatted in front of her. She was far too young to understand why exactly or put words to it, but_ _that_ _smile wasn’t like other smiles._

_“Вы знаете, почему вы здесь?” [Do you know why you are here?]_

_Shaking her head, Natalia pouted a little bit and sniffled as tears slipped down her cheeks._

_“Я хочу домой,” she said pitifully. “Mama…” [I want to go home.]_

_The man frowned and leaned a little closer to her. Natalia ducked her head to hide herself away, but the man from before grabbed her hair on command and forced her eyes back up to the man in front of her. She cried as he put two fingers under her chin to steady her._

_“У этого есть потенциал.” The man looked up to the soldier behind her. “Обязательно научи ее, как себя вести.” [This one has potential. Make sure you teach her how to behave.]_

_Before Natalia knew what was happening, there was a solid arm around her waist hoisting her up off the ground and carrying her back towards the darkness they’d come from. Down a few halls and around a few corners, she was thrown onto one of many beds in a dark, foreboding, completely colorless room. She scrambled up towards the pillow and pulled her knees up to her chest like that might protect her from whatever it was that came next._

_She could see the soldier clenching his hands into fists; one normal, like hers, and one made of shiny silver. Natalia frowned and ducked her head as much as she could to hide her face away. She stayed that way for what felt like a very long time before she felt the bed dip with the weight of the soldier who’d taken her there._

_“Как тебя зовут?” [What is your name?]_

_“Natalia."_

_“James.”_

_He wasn’t Russian. His accent was strange to her and sounded even stranger when pronouncing the sounds of her language, but he was being nice to her and she didn’t want to make him angry by asking any questions. Instead, she decided to try and say his name._

_“J-James,” she said slowly._

_He smiled a little. “Yeah, you got it, kid.”_

_There was something very different about the way James treated her after that. He wasn’t cruel like the other men who were put in charge of her. He never hit her without someone telling him to do so, but he did hit her. He showed her everything she came to know; how to throw a punch, how to avoid an attack, how to take advantage of an enemy’s weaknesses. He sat beside her as they showed grainy videos of Captain America punching his way through man after man after man and looking no worse for wear. He showed her how to analyze the movements and form a plan so she could overcome him, even though the idea of it was completely insane considering how small she was at that time._

_“You’ll get bigger,” James reasoned. He’d taken to teaching her English and told the men in charge that it would only help her in the long run. Natalia liked to think of it as their little secret because none of the other girls got treatment like that from him. “And even if your enemies are bigger than you, you’ll know how to take them down. Size isn’t everything, remember that.”_

_Over time, she and James developed the kind of relationship that Natalia would later assume kept her sane during that dark time. He wasn’t quite a ‘friend’, but he was someone she could trust in a sea of people she was_ _told_ _to trust. James looked out for her and sometimes, if she was really lucky, he would sneak little treats in just for her and slip them to her before bedtime._

_But there were also times when James was someone else._

_Natalia winced as she hit the floor again, and again, and again. She was out of breath and trying hard, but there was no use to all of this! She was too slow._

_“Снова!” [Again!]_

_There was no James in the man coming at her this time. At a mere six years old, she’d come to realize that she had no choice but to defend herself because he wouldn’t stop until they told him to. And beyond that, he would kill her if they ordered him to do it. She had to know how to survive and that meant learning from the best._

_At seven, things changed. James went on a mission and came back looking more haggard and weary than she’d ever seen him. He fought the masters and even killed a couple of the men trying to subdue him, but he was eventually forced into the machine that would make him submissive all over again. Natalia cried as she was forced to watch and was punished for it._

_When she was ten years old, James was woken up again, but he wasn’t the same. It felt like he didn’t know her and, while he bandaged her ankle after a particularly vicious practice session, she finally figured out that he didn’t have a choice in any of this. They probably took him from his parents too. She knew… that eventually, she wouldn’t have a choice either._

_At twelve, she no longer questioned the training or the methods involved._

_At fourteen, she stood silent and stoic as James was dragged away from her, never to be seen again. He’d helped shape her into the woman she was quickly becoming, but he couldn’t stay forever. They didn't have use of him anymore; the most prudent thing to do… was to put him on ice until they needed him again._

* * *

“It’s a surprise.”

Natasha sighed. “I hate surprises.”

Clint snickered and Coulson tried to cover. “I know, but this is a _good_ surprise, I promise. You’re going to love it.”

She very much doubted that, but she let Coulson lead her into the garage where the three of them (as Steve was absent for the time being doing God knows what up in Heaven) piled into a car for a field trip. Coulson refused to tell them where they were going, but the second Natasha spotted a sign for the new Captain America exhibit at the Smithsonian, she knew. She and Clint let out a collective groan as Coulson very nearly bounced in his seat and quickly found parking for them.

“Come on, he’s an American icon,” he insisted. “You’re going to learn so much!”

Clint huffed and leaned in close to Natasha as they walked through the parking lot. “Yeah, like exactly how many ways Coulson wishes he could suck this guy’s di--”

Natasha elbowed him in the ribs as they came to the ticket booth and stood awkwardly beside it as Coulson fetched the tickets for entry. It wasn’t the worst way to spend an afternoon, she supposed. Captain America seemed like an interesting topic and hey, it beat just sitting around. Besides, Clint and Coulson were two of her favorite people. Natasha didn’t just hang around with anyone.

Upon walking into the exhibit itself, Natasha was greeted by the image of a small man with blonde hair and blue eyes; he didn’t exactly look like Captain America. Natasha bit back a comment about how Coulson probably wouldn’t have gotten all excited about him while he was still weak little---

Steve Rogers.

Little by little, the pieces came together and it all made sense.

Sickly, skinny little Steve Rogers, born 1918. Enlisted in the army 1943.

Then, according to the biography on the walls around her: Steve was given the super soldier serum shortly after he attended boot camp. Became Captain America when he was on tour to sell war bonds. War hero when he went on a rogue mission. Saved his best friend. Crashed-- into the ocean and was never seen or heard from again, despite several search missions including those funded and executed by Howard Stark himself.

Natasha felt like her whole body froze as she watched Steve -- _her_ Steve-- on black and white reels with his men on various missions. This was real.

Steve was real.

_He was real._

“Hey, you’ll never guess who I met today,” Steve said as he appeared out of nowhere as usual.

Unfortunately, his chipper mood was dampened as soon as he realized where they were. Natasha was still standing in front of a massive wall of information and videos and little quotes and she was _dumbfounded_ \-- that was the only word she could use to describe how she felt.

As his eyes darted to her and back to the wall, Natasha just knew that Steve had known about this part of it all along. She knew by the way his weight shifted from foot to foot and the way he started rubbing at the back of his neck until the skin turned pink.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Natasha’s lips barely moved. They were still in public and although she wasn’t standing beside Clint or Phil, she didn’t exactly want to draw attention to herself by talking to… no one.

Steve gestured helplessly. “I don’t know. I thought it was weird enough that I was _haunting_ someone-- you didn’t need to know who I was back in the day!”

“You know everything about me,” she said evenly. “Things I’ve never told anyone.”

The accusation didn’t have to be put into words; she was hurt that he’d kept something so big from her when he was right there to see her at her absolute lowest.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I am. Really. I just… didn’t think it was important.”

“Of course it’s important,” Natasha argued. “You were a hero, not just a soldier. Not _just_ Steve Rogers.”

Steve shook his head a little. “I was always Steve Rogers first,” he mumbled. “Captain America was just a stage name that caught on. And if it helped… I mean, I was told it gave people hope. Something to focus on, something like that. I’m not sure they were right.”

Huffing in frustration, Natasha moved to find a space where she could talk to Steve without worrying that other people would hear. She found a small alcove near the back and away from the exhibit itself.

“We can find out everything here,” she told him. “Everything.”

Steve averted his gaze. “What if I’m not ready to find out?” He asked softly. “What if not knowing is the only reason I’m still here?”

Natasha hadn’t thought about that. What if he disappeared as soon as he figured out how he’d died? On the one hand, he’d be at peace, but on the other… she’d have to say goodbye to him and she wasn’t ready for that. But didn’t it make her a terribly selfish person if she didn’t help him find out his own fate?

“You should still find out,” she said eventually. “You can’t go on not knowing.”

Steve frowned, but he nodded as well. “You’re right.” He smiled sadly. “You’re always right.”

Together, they left their hiding space and made their way through the exhibit until they found a wall dedicated to Bucky. Steve had told her a lot about him by that point and she was somewhat disturbed to find that he was definitely reported as dead-- so why couldn’t Steve see him?

And why-- why did he look so familiar?

Seeing Bucky’s face after all this time was like a punch to the gut. Steve could hardly believe that he’d made such an impact, but to see it all out there for the world to see, with kids and adults and the elderly all clamoring to see the details of his life… It was a lot. It was overwhelming just to know that his life actually meant something, but to see Bucky there and have all the questions about his fate come rushing back to the surface was something else entirely.

“I miss him,” Steve admitted after a moment. “He always had my back.” Sighing out loud, he put his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth for a moment as he glanced around, but something caught his eye before long and Natasha was forced to follow him across the room towards another part of the exhibit.

There it was. Steve took a deep breath as he began to read about his own death.

“I was never found,” he breathed. Maybe that was why his soul wasn’t at rest? Because his mother and his father didn’t seem to _haunt_ anyone the way he did. They’d died and rested peacefully, but he couldn’t because his body had never been found and buried. God, he was probably a skeleton somewhere, just fading away into nothing. It was a hard pill to swallow. He took a deep breath, trying to quell the panic that was starting to rise up within him and Natasha looked at him with alarm.

“Steve?” She whispered. “Hey, are you okay?”

It was happening all over again. Her words became muted, her voice fading away and suddenly, he began shivering. He could feel his heart rate picking up, and his body felt frozen. He couldn’t move, even if he wanted to and he let out a gasp as he struggled to breathe. Somehow, this cold flash felt worse than all the other times and Steve was more afraid than ever. Images began to flash through his mind… a compass, a panicked voice pleading with him to head back, the endless view of clouds flying past.

_“I’ll-- I’ll get Howard on the line. He’ll know what to do.”_

_“There’s not enough time! This thing’s moving too fast and it’s heading for New York. I gotta put her in the water.”_

_"Please don't do this. W-we have time. We can work it out."_

_“Right now I'm in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer a lot of people are gonna die. Peggy, this is my choice.”_

_His heart was pounding, the fear gripping him but it wasn’t enough to deter him from his plan. He could feel sweat dripping down the side of his face as he held tightly onto the steering wheel and navigated in the direction he wanted—_

A warm hand grabbed his and Steve instantly felt the cold evaporate from his bones. The memories faded away slowly as Natasha dragged him away from the exhibit again and he let out a shudder as they came to a stop somewhere a little more private. He looked up, eyes connecting with Natasha as the warmth spread through him and he became aware that they were _actually touching_. Her green eyes roamed over him, obviously worried over his well-being, but he could also see the joy swimming in her gaze at being able to physically touch him once again mixed with a little bit of fear. “Come back to me, Steve. Stay here with me.”

“Nat,” he breathed. And before the opportunity could be lost, he leaned forward and kissed her. It was small and tentative at first, but the second kiss blew any expectations he’d had right out of the water. Natasha’s lips parted in surprise and she let out a tiny gasp and a split-second later, she was kissing him back just as eagerly. It was desperate and a little bit rough, and he never wanted to let go. And in this moment, he understood so clearly what had been in front of him all along, staring at him plainly in the face.

 _She is_ **_my_ ** _Heaven._

_Mine._

They pulled apart and he could feel Natasha slipping away immediately as their physical connection was lost. Sorrow filled him as he looked up to face Natasha, already missing the feeling of having her in his arms. She looked just as upset as he did and immediately tried grabbing his hands again. “No!” She cried out, frantically grabbing at him once more only to come up empty.

“It’s not fair! It’s just _not fair!_ ” Natasha bit her lip, trying to keep the tears that sprang to her eyes at bay. She rarely cried, rarely let anyone see her in a vulnerable position but in this moment, she was completely raw with her emotions out there for him to see. “Why can’t we have this? Everyone else gets to touch and be with the person they want… why can’t we?”

He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat and shook his head. Even though he knew it was futile, he reached out and touched her arm hoping that the sensation trailing across her skin was enough to calm Natasha down a bit. He let out a forlorn sigh. “I don’t know. I wish I had all the answers, Nat.”

“You faded out a little bit,” Natasha’s voice was small, but he could detect the underlying fear mixed in with the sadness. “You were so cold and then you flickered in and out for a moment there, Steve. That’s never happened before.”

Steve frowned deeply as he tried to piece together what had happened, but he didn't know if he could put words to it without having another episode. He already felt sick, something that rarely happened these days. It was like he didn’t feel...present.

“I don’t feel well,” he admitted, placing a hand on his stomach.

Natasha glanced around to make sure they were alone. “What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

“I don’t know.” Steve felt like he was being pulled away from her, which was a scary feeling if only because it had never happened before. He didn’t want to leave her and he didn’t know if he would be allowed to come back now that he knew how he’d died. “I don’t know!”

It was happening again-- he could see it in her eyes. And he could see it when he looked down at his own hands flickering in and out of existence like he was disappearing little by little, fading away from the half-life he was living to absolutely nothing.

“Nat, something’s happening--” He couldn’t explain it. He didn’t understand, but he knew that this was some kind of ending. Feelings of dread, uncertainty, disbelief, fear all washed over him as he stepped back and tried to focus his energy on staying put. But it didn’t help. He could see his hands flickering and he looked up at Natasha with blind fear in his eyes because this couldn’t actually be it. This couldn’t be the way it ended, not again, not with another woman he loved helpless and upset and basically watching him die.

“I love you,” he said quickly. “I love you so much, Natasha. And you’re a good person, you are. I know you don’t always think you deserve what you’ve got, but you do. And you deserve even more than that. I just want you to remember that, okay? I love you--”

Everything went white after that.

Despondency was a funny thing, wasn’t it? Natasha couldn’t remember a time in the past when she’d been anything close to ‘depressed’ if only because she never really had the freedom to feel anything but what people were telling her to feel. But when Steve vanished, she’d stared at the empty space in front of her and she could have sworn that her heart shattered inside her. With the words ‘I love you’ still lingering unsaid on her lips, she blinked away tears and tried her very best to put a mask back on. It wouldn’t do anyone any good to think she was a nutcase.

Unfortunately, the mask fell into place just enough to make Clint suspicious.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he told her when she joined them again. As everyone was ready to go, they headed out towards the garage, which Natasha couldn’t be happier about. She needed to get home and be in the privacy of her own room.

Natasha gave him a look and rolled her eyes.

“Don’t tell me,” Phil teased lightly. “You’re not a big believer in the whole afterlife thing.”

Ha.

“Well, I can’t prove it, so… it’s hard to actually believe in it,” Clint shrugged.

“You know,” Phil said as he buckled up in the driver’s seat. “My mom used to tell me these stories about people coming back as ghosts to protect their soulmates, like guardian angels. It’s a nice idea, even if it can’t be proven. I could have an angel looking over my shoulder right now.”

Natasha frowned to herself in the backseat. _Soulmates?_

When they got back to HQ, Natasha locked herself away in her room and tried to make sense of what had happened. Was he gone because they’d found out how he died? It seemed too simple. And to be honest, even a skeptic like Natasha wanted to believe that going into the light would be a little more peaceful than what she’d witnessed. And as she stood there with her back against the door, she couldn’t quite process that Steve wasn’t going to just pop up again.

Even though she didn’t know for sure, that was how it felt.

And one might have thought that she would just learn to carry that heavy weight on her shoulders and move on, but Natasha glanced at her headboard and immediately broke down. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried so much; crying was weakness as far as her masters had been concerned and she hadn’t lost anyone, any _thing_ since she’d come to SHIELD. Losing Steve was such a shock that she felt like she couldn’t come back from it and curled up on her bed wishing and hoping and even praying that she might have a couple more minutes, just to tell him she loved him one more time.

Heartbroken for the very first time, she stayed in her room for just over two days, at which point Clint marched in and demanded to know what was going on.

“You’ve been in here for days!” He accused as he paced back and forth beside her bed. “I’ve never seen you like this, Natasha, you’re fucking worrying me.”

Natasha sighed and rolled over onto her back. “I’ll be fine,” she said weakly. “Eventually.”

“But why aren’t you fine _now_? What happened?” He insisted. Clint planted himself on the edge of her bed and frowned down at her. She hated making him worry like this, but she couldn’t help how awful she felt right now. It was like the rug had been pulled out from underneath her, whatever love she’d developed for him all this time was just _wasted_ \---

No, it wasn’t a waste. Whatever she’d had with Steve was as real as anything.

But he was gone now and that stupid myth Coulson was talking about was bothering her to no end. What if Steve was her soulmate, if such things even existed, and he was never coming back? Would she ever find anyone else to be happy with? Would she ever _want_ to be with anyone else? Was it possible that someone else out there would make her as happy as he did?

Maybe it was best that she just live the rest of her life the way the Red Room had assumed she would; going from man to man to get whatever she needed without any thought of love or happiness or, God forbid, an actual relationship. Maybe she was just screwing with fate by falling in love with Steve.

Except that what he’d said before he left stuck with her. Steve thought that she deserved happiness. Well, she wasn’t saying that happiness was dependent upon falling in love, but she wanted to make him proud. For all she knew, he was still out there somewhere watching over her like Coulson said. Like a guardian angel.

“I’m having an off day,” she deadpanned as she sat up. “It happens.”

“Um, not to you,” he argued.

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Do me a favor, okay? Get up, shut up, and let me beat your ass into the ground for a while.”

Clint got up and punched his fist in the air. “Fuck yes, that’s what I’m talking about.”

It felt as if she was going through the motions for the sake of doing them. Her body was well-trained, relying on muscle memory to get through her workout with Clint but at the very least, it was helping to get her mind off of what had happened.

Except that it didn’t and she found herself looking over her shoulder at random moments to see if Steve would pop back up. It felt exactly as it might to have a loved one pass away unexpectedly; she’d see something and turn to talk to Steve about it, or she’d think about some random question and make a mental note to ask Steve later only to remember that she couldn’t. The whole thing threw her for such a loop that she felt like she might not even be good at her job right now.

She was wrong, of course. Another mission came and went without Steve and Natasha performed just as well as she always had, although Clint still seemed worried about her. Time heals all wounds, she supposed. She had to believe that because she couldn’t imagine feeling this way for the rest of her life. Coupled with the fact that nightmares from the Red Room had started up again, she couldn’t _handle_ it. She needed Steve!

Without Steve around, life was just a little darker. More lonely. Half-empty. She was walking around in a daze, not really enjoying her life the way she once had. It felt like a part of her was missing and she didn’t know how to go about finding it again.

_She hated it._

But time marched on regardless.

Until one day, when Natasha got a phone call that would change everything.

“Tasha, you’re not gonna believe this.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We would like to dedicate this chapter to our new friend, Salacious. As it's her birthday and Valentine's Day tomorrow AND since she's given us special reviews to enjoy, we figured we'd give her something right back and update early. Happy Birthday, you awesome creature, you!

The fact that he faded away little by little until he disappeared completely wasn’t what scared Steve most (though there was _a little bit_ of fear there), it was the fact that something invisible was tugging him away from Natasha and the look on her face as he was pulled away from her. The utter devastated expression was something that was going to haunt him for a long time. He hoped that whatever happened next, Natasha would be okay and that she wouldn’t shut her emotions off and go back to living the way she did while in the Red Room.

When the blinding white light cleared, Steve found himself standing in the kitchen of his apartment. He blinked, feeling disoriented for a moment, not comprehending exactly what was happening or where he was. He blinked again. Huh. So he was back in Heaven… at least he was in familiar surroundings. He calmed down a bit and began looking for the red door that would lead him back to Natasha.

The red door was nowhere to be found.

And just like that, his calm demeanor faded. His heart began racing, a different kind of fear filling him now and panic began to take over. He looked around frantically, trying to find a way back to earth… back to _her_. “Natasha?” he cried out. “Natasha! Nat!”

“Steve.”

He stopped yelling when he heard his name being called. He turned to see his parents, both of them looking apprehensive and Steve felt his stomach drop. “Ma! I need to get back to her… do you know what happened to the red door? Why is it gone?!” He quickly rounded the kitchen island and strode up to them with purpose. His parents would help him… they knew how much Natasha meant to him… together the three of them would figure out a way for him to get back--

“Steve, you can’t go back.”

Every atom of his being rejected what was being said to him and anger filled him. “What do you mean I can’t go back? I have to go back! I can’t leave her, she needs me! I need her!”

There were tears in Sarah’s eyes as she grabbed onto Steve’s arm with the hopes that he settle down. “You have to be patient, honey. Just a little bit longer. You have to calm down.”

He wrenched his arm from her grip. “I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! Can either of you _please_ tell me what’s going on?!”

“Okay,” Joseph let out a sigh and he fixed his son with a stare that was so commanding, Steve felt some of the fight seep out of him. “Let’s sit down and discuss things, _calmly_.”

Suddenly he felt tired. Steve sat down at the table and buried his face in his hands. “I just don’t understand,” he mumbled dejectedly. “I thought being in Heaven meant that you would always be happy and that you got to be with the ones you love.” He swallowed, looking back up at his parents. “I love her. I want to be with her. She loves me too! Heaven can’t be this cruel to keep us apart.”

“Steve,” Sarah’s voice was gentle as she sat down next to him. This time when she took his hand, he let her hold it. This was just one of those times when he needed his mother’s comfort, and he grateful that she was there. She ran a hand through his hair in that soft, motherly way that she used to and Steve let out a sigh as their gazes met. Sarah hesitated slightly but after sharing a glance with her husband, she finally told him the truth. “You’re not actually in Heaven.”

Steve froze as the realization hit him hard. He was pretty sure that he wasn’t in hell — if he’d been hell, there was no way he had been able to live some of his happiest moments… and if he hadn’t been in Heaven all this time, that meant…

He’d been in _limbo_.

Sarah was still speaking. “Do you remember what I told you before, Steve?”

He shook his head, still reeling from the news that he hadn’t been in Heaven all this time.

“This isn’t your ending, Steve. You’re just in the middle.”

“In the middle of what?” he asked. “Was it all just a test? What… was I just supposed to save Natasha from the Red Room, and then if I did a good job, I get to go to Heaven? What was the whole point?”

His father smiled, clapping a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “Have you ever wondered what marks your time on earth? If one life can really make an impact on the world… that the choices you make matter?”

Steve shook his head. “I’m just a kid from Brooklyn.”

“You may be just a kid from Brooklyn, son,” Joseph laughed. “But the fact is, you’ve done a lot of good and now maybe it’s time to have a little bit of faith.”

“Faith in what?”

“Have faith in the fact that the universe is going to take care of you,” Sarah replied.

Steve’s attention was drawn to another door that popped up off in the distance. It was white this time; maybe he was imagining things, but he could have sworn he saw bright light peeking out from underneath and it made him feel warm and safe and whole. It was calling to him.

“We both love you so much,” Sarah continued, opening her arms to embrace him. Steve held on tight not knowing why, but knowing for sure that he wouldn’t see her again for a very long time. Then he embraced his father as well and closed his eyes tight as Joseph held the back of his head like one would cradle an infant-- the infant he never got to hold, Steve told himself.

“I love you both,” he said as he stepped back. “I just don’t know--”

“That’s okay.” Joseph stepped up. “It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to be scared.”

Sarah smiled as she joined hands with her husband and leaned into him a little bit. “We’re always going to be watching over you, Steve. We know you’ll make us proud.”

Still, Steve hesitated. “What about Natasha? Will she be okay? I… I promised her… I promised her a long time ago that I’d always come back to her. I don’t want to break that promise...”

“Have faith, Steve.” Sarah kept smiling, and it was so reassuring that it made him feel better about this whole situation.

Steve’s gaze kept flickering to the door and Sarah’s smile only widened despite the fact that he could see tears in her eyes. He _didn’t_ understand, but there was a sense of calm that overcame him as he approached the door at last and reached out for the knob.

This was it. Whatever he was meant to be, wherever he was meant to go, it would be behind this door. He opened it up and was immediately engulfed in the warm, white light on the other side. Perhaps for the first time since he’d woken up here, he knew that _everything_ was going to be alright.

* * *

Time was a fascinating thing, wasn’t it? Sometimes it felt like one month went by in the blink of an eye and other times, two or three minutes felt like a lifetime. Over the past few years with Steve at her side, Natasha had experienced things she’d never even considered back in the Red Room. When she looked back at their time together, it felt like much longer than it had been and yet, it was like yesterday that she was denying his very existence. The whole dichotomy was enough to give her one hell of a headache if she thought about it for long enough.

Unfortunately, she had time.

Natasha had been sitting in a plain room in front of a series of monitors for at least five days straight. She’d get up each morning and report to that room like clockwork, coffee and bagel in hand. And she’d sit. She’d play on her phone or review case files or do yoga right there with her chair pushed to the side and her hair tied back.

Sometimes Coulson would come by and sit with her for a while. Clint shared a few shifts.

Even Fury would pop by and ask how things were progressing, but the truth was that no one really knew. It was a waiting game, the doctors said. There was nothing they could do to speed it up because this kind of thing had never been done before and they worried about the state of his mind if they tried anything-- Truth be told, they worried about the state of his mind either way.

But Natasha refused to give up on him. Steve was right there, right in the next room.

Flesh and blood and muscle and _real_.

Life was funny. Pain had been such a huge part of her life, that growing up she had always expected it to be there because she couldn’t remember a time when it wasn’t present. And then one day, a strange ghost barged into her life and with his presence, she began to feel something else -- something that felt so wrong, only because it was so unfamiliar. From the moment she saw Steve being lifted onto the metal table, still frozen but _alive,_ she’d felt it. The unfamiliar feeling that always seemed present whenever Steve was around, returning and finally she was able to name it. The beginnings of hope blooming into her heart and she clung to it desperately.

Thankfully, she was able to glare all questions about why she was so invested away. It wasn’t like she had any real connection to Steve that anyone else would know about, something that Clint pointed out a week or so into the whole thing. But Natasha just said that he was _an icon_ and subversively persuaded Fury to assign her to Steve for the time being. It wouldn’t be the last time she was questioned, she knew that, but she’d figure out what to say to everyone later.

Two weeks passed.

Three weeks.

A month.

Six weeks.

Natasha was beginning to think he might never wake up, but surely the universe couldn’t be that cruel. Surely if she’d gone through all she had just to actually have him be found _alive_ in the ice after seventy _fucking_ years--- It had to mean something. Natasha couldn’t bring herself to imagine an outcome that didn’t involve finally being able to look into Steve’s eyes, tell him that she loved him, and fall into his arms. And then his bed, but that was totally secondary.

They were eight weeks and three days into waiting when it happened.

Steve opened his eyes and despite Clint asking her just what she thought she was doing, Natasha was up and marching into the next room regardless. There he was. Alive. Sitting up.

Confused.

“St-” Her training kicked in and Natasha forced herself to back off a little bit. “Captain?”

Their eyes connected and time stood still.

Natasha held her breath. Her heart was pounding so loudly, she was pretty sure Steve could hear it from where he was sitting. A lump had formed in her throat and she swallowed it, trying to keep her emotions at bay. Steve was alive. He was awake. And as thrilled as she was about it, she couldn’t quite contain her fear. Would he know her? Would he remember all that they had shared?

For a moment, Steve just sat on the bed and stared. His eyes looked impossibly blue, his gaze was fixed solely on her and he was staring at her as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Natasha couldn’t have found the words to describe it, but the glimmer of recognition that she eventually saw in his eyes was unmistakable to her. He knew her, he _remembered_. And he knew, to her utter relief, that they had to be careful about this.

“Where am I?”

There was still a part of her that couldn’t believe she was actually looking at Steve, but Natasha had enough sense to get it together for his sake.

“New York City,” she answered.

He took a minute to let that soak in and nodded to himself before looking her way again.

“And the year?”

Natasha didn’t even glance at the camera in the corner of the room, but she knew that Fury wouldn’t have wanted it to go down this way.

“2012.”

Steve swallowed hard. She supposed that even with what he already knew, it was a lot to swallow. He wasn’t dead-- he’d just been in some kind of suspended animation. There were endless questions. Had he really been in Heaven? Had he really seen his parents and all those friends? She had no choice to believe that he had, but she couldn’t know for sure.

“You’re safe here,” she offered. “Are you hungry?”

Steve’s stomach let out a loud growl and Natasha sort of smiled even though it wasn’t exactly a lighthearted moment. They couldn’t just run into each other’s arms or anything.

“Starving,” he admitted. “What’s with all the--” He gestured to the cameras pointing at him from every which way and raised his eyebrows.

“We thought it was best to monitor you at all times. No one really knew what to expect.”

There was a knock on the far wall and Natasha rolled her eyes as covertly as she could, which made Steve smile to himself. “Excuse me one second.” Leaving him to contemplate the reality of the situation, she left the room and found Fury looking distinctly displeased.

“What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that someone needed to be there to talk to him before he started fighting his way out of here. Sir. And look, he’s fine. He’s stable. And he’s hungry.”

Fury didn’t have much of an argument to the contrary, so he called for someone to get food to Steve as soon as possible-- and Natasha went right back into the room.

“Food’s on the way,” she said easily. “Do you mind if I ask you how you’re feeling?”

Steve sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. He looked tired despite the 70 year nap and even more handsome than he’d been as a ghost, thank you very much.

“I’d-- mind less if we weren’t on camera,” he quipped. “Any chance they’ll give us some privacy?”

Natasha glanced towards the camera and sighed. “I doubt it,” she answered honestly. “At least not until they’re sure you aren’t unstable.”

“Right,” he huffed. “Of course.”

It was stilted and weird, but Natasha was more thrown off by the fact that she was just itching to touch him, even a little bit. She wanted to run her fingers through his hair and touch his jaw and let him wrap those _gorgeous_ arms around her. And she couldn’t do any of that without making Fury (and whoever else was watching) aware that something was up.

Food arrived in the form of a cheeseburger, fries, and a soda. Steve was eating the very second it was set down in front of him and got through the whole meal within a few minutes; surprise, surprise, he was still hungry afterwards and sure enough, another tray of food appeared a short time later. Natasha watched in open fascination as he chomped away on every bit of food he could get.

“So, you’re a big eater, huh?”

“Yeah, my metabolism works a lot faster than normal, so I eat almost constantly--”

Natasha was watching him with a little, satisfied smile and he immediately ducked his head as he swallowed another mouthful of food.

“Did you want some?”

“Oh, no, no, I’m having way too much fun watching you.”

The next three days were as close to torture as Natasha ever wanted to get. Steve was _right there_ and she still couldn’t touch him for fear that someone would ask why. She couldn’t touch him because it was hard enough explaining her interest in him let alone any _physical_ attraction of any kind. She’d just met the man! She didn’t need anyone asking any questions at all.

But after every test under the sun had been performed, Fury released Steve into her care and instructed her to take him to the apartment they’d secured in his name. They drove in silence and Natasha, who was usually incredibly calm, couldn’t stop fidgeting.

The expectations of a relationship were kind of making Natasha panic. She’d never _been_ in a real relationship before and she knew he hadn’t either, but it was different for her. Besides, would it be right to put Steve in that position right now, when he was still dealing with his situation? Maybe he wasn’t ready. And even if he was ready, maybe she wasn’t good at the relationship thing when it wasn’t all done in secret. Maybe he’d be disappointed in her now that he had other options. Maybe he---

Steve put a heavy hand on her thigh and gave her a sweet, slow smile.

Their eyes met and it was just right. It was right that they were there together. Meant to be.

Coulson didn’t know it, but Natasha thought in that moment that the story he’d told her was true. Steve was her soulmate. He knew her in ways that no one else could possibly know her and it was that knowledge that he’d seen her in the darkest, most difficult part of her life that calmed her. Maybe she wasn’t good at relationships, but he’d help her through it. They’d do this _together_ or they wouldn’t do it at all.

Still, there wasn’t much to say now that they were alone. It felt like they should just pick up where they’d left off, but things were different now. Natasha had about a million questions and she was sure Steve did too, but they had other things to work through before they got to any of that. She was _certain_ that he’d want to settle down, maybe come to terms with his new life in this new time… She couldn’t rush him no matter how much she wanted to.

They arrived at his new place and Natasha led him upstairs, where she unlocked the door and let him in. Steve dropped his one bag of possessions near the door and glanced around at the generic furniture and the bookshelves filled with history and science and all sorts of things that would help him get caught up to present day.

“So, you’ve got books and a fully stocked kitchen,” she explained. “TV is all hooked up, WiFi password is on the table--” She was taking a breath so she could start explaining what WiFi actually was when Steve stepped forward, took her face in both hands, and kissed her.

Natasha immediately grabbed his shirt with both hands and tugged him closer, eager for there to be as little distance between them as possible. Steve’s lips were soft and although the kiss was hesitant at first, it soon developed into the kind of kiss that could weaken her knees if she let it.

By the time their lips parted just long enough to take another breath, she had no choice.

When her back hit the wall, Natasha instinctively hopped up and wrapped her legs around Steve’s waist. His hands cupped her bottom as he held her up with ease and blindly turned to find his way into the bedroom, where they fell onto the conveniently large bed. Natasha was able to pull him down on top of her and run her hands all over the arms and shoulders she’d been admiring for far too long without being able to feel them. Then she got to his chest, which was so much more firm than she’d imagined, and once her arms circled his waist, she was able to grab and squeeze his ass as well.

Steve let out a bark of laughter that interrupted their kiss and he dropped his head down to her shoulder as she laughed along with him.

They could have gone on, but Steve rolled off and just kind of looked down at her like he was still having trouble with the fact that he could touch her. His hand was still on her stomach and his thumb was brushing over the skin between her shirt and her jeans like he was scared that if he stopped, he’d fade away all over again.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” she whispered. “It’s so weird.”

Steve smiled broadly. “It’s _really_ weird,” he agreed with a laugh. “But I’m so _happy_.”

“Me too.” Natasha leaned in a little bit and kissed his jaw the way she’d always wanted to.

They laid in comfortable silence for a few minutes until Steve spoke up again. “So, did you just happen to be there, or were you waiting for me to wake up? Because Fury said I was there for like two months...”

Natasha’s cheeks actually burned and she tried to keep her face down a little bit. “What? No, I just happened to be there. I was _not_ sitting there for two--”

Steve chuckled and kissed the top of her head. “I love you.”

Rolling her eyes, Natasha smiled and tipped her head back to give him a proper kiss. “I love you too.”

The decision was made that they would keep their feelings for one another secret until it would be deemed ‘normal’ to be together. That is, Natasha pretended she hardly knew Steve and Steve just went on about his life adjusting to all the new things around him. Obviously he’d seen some of it already through his time with Natasha, but there were other things and it just so happened that Natasha found his enthusiasm downright _adorable_.

His first slice of pizza, for example, was a real trip. One bite in and he was extolling the virtues of Italian food and lamenting that they hadn’t had food like it back in the day. Natasha just sat back and watched as he ordered a slice of every single kind and tried them one by one.

The first time he drove a sports car would have been terrifying for Natasha if she wasn’t also ‘a complete lunatic on the road’, as per Clint.

He cried the first time they watched a movie in the big theater in Union Square just from being completely overwhelmed by the experience itself.

Natasha couldn’t explain what she had thought a relationship would be, but this was so much easier than what she was imagining before. She and Steve already knew each other, they _loved_ each other. They had been in a relationship long before he’d been found in the ice; they just hadn’t been able to actually touch. And so, it was comfortable to spend the night together and just cuddle. It was comfortable for both of them to curl up on the couch and watch movies with a tub of popcorn between them and Chinese takeout containers on the coffee table. She especially enjoyed the _hours_ they spent making out and just getting to know one another in a new way. The hardest thing was hiding what they had from everyone else, who seemed to find it just a little strange that they understood each other so well.

The thing was, though she tried as hard as she could to act ‘normal’, Natasha couldn’t exactly hide how happy she was. To most people, she was exactly the same albeit the fact that she was probably spending an unusual amount of time with Steve Rogers. But to the people that knew her and knew her well enough? That was a different story altogether. She was a far cry from her usual self and the signs were obvious if one knew what to look for.

To her surprise, it wasn’t Clint that had figured it out.

Nor was it Coulson.

It was Fury.

Between the endless questions that Clint asked, and Coulson hovering around and fanboying over Steve, she never saw Fury coming and it took her by surprise when one day, he sat down in front of her while she was eating her lunch.

“Agent Romanoff.”

“Sir.”

He stared at her like he knew something and instinctively, she tried to keep all emotions off her face. She had no idea what this was about, but she kept as calm as she could. There was no way he was going to break her.

“How is Captain Rogers adjusting to the twenty-first century?”

“He’s still trying to get used to it.”

“Seems he’s quite taken with you. Unusually so.”

“Well,” she shrugged nonchalantly. “I was the first person he met. It’s only natural to latch onto someone who makes him feel safe.”

Fury stared at her some more, his gaze steely despite having only the one eye. She held his scrutiny evenly and after several minutes, he sighed. “You know something Romanoff? I’ve seen quite a bit in my day. Given recent events with Gods wielding hammers and being able to call down lightning... to humans turning into angry, green monsters and rampaging all over the city… finding an American Icon that was long presumed dead and seeing him come back to life is pretty low on the list of things that is _strange.”_

Natasha still had no idea where he was going with this.

He stood, placing a file down in front of her. “They say God works in mysterious ways… Sometimes, it’s best not to ask questions on how things came to be and to let things be as they are. One of life’s great mysteries, I suppose.” His demeanor softened just a tiny bit as he regarded her almost fondly. “If you tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it until I’m in my grave. It’s nice to see you happy -- I imagine those moments have been few and far in between, given the life you led before joining SHIELD.” He nodded towards the file. “This is the only copy in existence. I’ve taken care of destroying everything else but I thought you might like to see this. Decide to do with it what you will.”

Fury left, his leather jacket billowing after him as she stared at his retreating back in confusion. After a moment, she pulled the file towards her and flipped it open.

It was a photograph, taken on the day they had gone to the Captain America exhibit at the Smithsonian, clearly lifted from the footage of security cameras. The image was slightly grainy but the two figures in the snapshot were crystal clear and immediately recognizable. Right there, captured in the center, was Natasha and Steve, locked in a passionate embrace and sharing a kiss.

Their first kiss.

At first glance, they looked like they could be any other normal couple making out in a dark corner, oblivious to the world around them. But upon closer inspection, she could see a faint white glow around Steve in the photograph. She looked up, looking around for Fury but he was long gone by then.

Her heart was thudded loudly as she focused on the photograph again.

One of life’s great mysteries, huh?

Weird.

When she got to Steve’s apartment that night, he was quick to greet her at the door with a kiss that tasted distinctly of-- “Are you _cooking_?” She asked with disbelief. “Seriously?”

“I figured I’d give it a shot,” he shrugged. “And it’s not that bad, okay? I made steak and potatoes and bread and vegetables and cookies for dessert, and--”

Natasha could not believe how much she loved this dork. Even though she was set to show Steve the picture Fury had given her right away, she set it aside and let him bring her into the kitchen, where they sat down at the little table there and enjoyed his first attempt at a 21st century meal beyond the cereal he favored in the mornings.

The look on his face as she took her first bite was something she’d remember for a very long time, but thankfully she didn’t have to fake liking the food. It was really good! The steak was melt-in-your-mouth fantastic and the potatoes only made it better. Even the veggies were good.

“Okay, is there anything you can’t do?” She muttered as she stuffed another piece of steak in her mouth. “Can we talk about flaws for a second?”

“That would probably take us all day, but it’s good? Yeah? Thank God, I’ve been in here for hours.”

When their meal was finished, Natasha sat back and sighed. “That was amazing,” she praised. “I want to say better than sex, but I have a feeling that would set a weird precedent-- and probably get your competitive streak going.”

She paused.

“Actually,” she added with a smirk. “God, that meal was better than sex.”

Steve resisted the challenge for about 0.3 seconds before he was up and physically throwing Natasha over his shoulder to carry her into the bedroom. They’d yet to actually have sex since he’d woken up, so this would be something new and different and (if Natasha’s instincts were correct) completely mind blowing. The fact that Steve dropped her onto the bed and practically tore his shirt off in his haste to prove that sex was better than the meal was just a nice little extra benefit.

As he crawled over her, Natasha leaned back and accepted a deep kiss full of promise and passion and all the good things that would make this night together especially memorable. Having all of his weight on top of her was actually one of her favorite things. It made her feel kind of safe-- loved-- stable, or something. She couldn’t put words to it, but she didn’t _have_ to.

Instead, she just wrapped her legs nimbly around his narrow waist and pulled him down a little more so she could appreciate all his warmth and muscle, and the way his lips had already moved down to her jaw, and the firm press of his cock between her legs. By the time he pulled back to get her shirt off and struggle with the clasp on her bra, Natasha was fully aware that this wasn’t just _unbelievably hot_ \-- it was comfortable. It felt right. She laughed out loud as he swore at her bra and he just laughed along with her. There wasn’t any pressure for this to be perfect.

That in itself turned out to be a good thing, because it _wasn’t_ perfect.

Steve was enthusiastic and amazing, though. To Natasha, it felt like he was kissing every single inch of her skin all the way down to her bellybutton, where he stopped and glanced up at her. She was flushed and uncharacteristically eager, so she went ahead and pulled him back up for a kiss while she wriggled out of her jeans and pushed them off to save some time. She was halfway through getting _his_ jeans off and snaking her hand inside his boxers when Steve pulled away and earned a whine of frustration from her.

“Where do you think you’re going?” She teased.

Steve grinned. “You think I was joking before? There’s something I’ve gotta do here, Nat. Something I’ve _waited_ to do. Something that needs to be done before we can go any further.”

For one hot second, Natasha’s clouded mind wondered if he was going to propose to her or something, but the second he slid down the bed again and propped himself up between her legs, she understood.

“Well, by all means,” she mused as she leaned back. “Go for it.”

All the enthusiasm that Steve had for the world at large was channeled into the task at hand as he peeled her underwear off and tossed it aside. Finally able to touch her, he slid his big hands up the length of her thighs as he pushed them further apart and positioned his head between them, much to Natasha’s delight and amusement.

“Remember,” he told her. “You’ve gotta show me what to do.”

Natasha nodded and her breathing picked up as Steve finally closed the distance between them and pressed his tongue into her like it belonged there. She’d give it to him; it seemed he was naturally gifted here too because she was biting her lip and closing her eyes to focus on the feeling in no time. Once his hands came into play and cupped her bottom so he could spread her open with his thumbs, it might as well have been over.

Her lips parted in a loud moan as her hands desperately searched for something to hold onto, eventually landing in his short hair and tugging slightly. Steve wasn’t aggressive about it; no, he was taking his sweet time and enjoying it, she could tell. And the one time she urged him to do something in particular, he did it without question or complaint, immediately making sure his mouth was right where it needed to be in order for her to get the most out of it.

Natasha was pretty sure she pulled a few hairs as she came, her thighs clenching tight around Steve’s head like that would just keep him there forever. But eventually she laid back and let out a long breath she’d sucked in at one point or another, her head spinning enough for her lips to curl into a silly, lazy smile.

“You really live up to all expectations,” she breathed.

Steve smiled proudly and landed on the bed beside her. His pants were still halfway down and he looked impossibly good in the dim light filtering through his windows-- Natasha would be annoyed by how perfect he was if he didn’t also happen to be all hers.

“Well, so do you. I don’t know what I imagined, but you taste better than that.”

Natasha rolled her eyes at him. “You’re such a perv,” she accused. “A gentleman perv.”

“I’ll take it.”

“Now, as for my part of the deal…” Natasha rolled onto her stomach and plucked at the button on his jeans. “Do you mind taking these off for me?”

Steve was naked and back on the bed so fast, it was like he hadn’t moved at all. Natasha took that as a good sign and raked her nails down his thighs as she took in the sight of him, all hard and waiting for her. Unfairly beautiful, really. His dick was a thing of _beauty_.

At first, all she did was trace over the side with the tip of her finger, but he sucked in a breath all the same. It occurred to her that this was the first time anyone was touching him like this; someone’s first time should be something to celebrate, not anything like hers.

With that in mind, she leaned forward to press a soft kiss to his lower belly and took him smoothly in hand. Steve gasped a little as she started to stroke him even though she was keeping him in a very light grasp. She imagined he was already trying to hold back, but when she leaned forward and put her mouth on him instead of her hand, she _knew_ he was based solely on the way his thighs tightened and the sheets around her tensed as he grabbed onto them for some kind of balance.

Natasha focused on breathing through her nose as she bobbed her head a few times and popped off to lick her lips. He really was rather thick; it wasn’t going to be easy to do this effectively, but she was _nothing_ if not the kind of person who persevered. And it was that perseverance that made Steve groan her name and touch her hair like he revered her instead of just wishing she’d continue. She appreciated that.

All the same, she was more than a little amused when he swore under his breath and warned her ever so slightly belatedly that he was going to come. With his mess halfway down her throat and even more on her lips and chin, Steve apologized profusely even after Natasha told him it was okay and when he apologized yet again as they curled up with one another for a little rest, she poked him in the ribs and told him to stop.

“You know, I was getting a little worried,” Steve admitted after a few moments. “Because we hadn’t--”

“I know.” Natasha tipped her head back to look up at him. “But it sort of feels like we already have…?”

“Yeah, you’re right about that.” He grinned. “Not that I don’t want to again or anything…”

“Don’t you worry, soldier,” she assured him with a pat to his abs. “We’ve got all night.”

And what a night it was. Natasha was proud to say that after four rounds, half a dozen different positions, three kitchen runs for water to stay hydrated, and two naps, they were _both_ successfully satisfied. With a barely noticeable ache between her legs, Natasha grabbed Steve’s tshirt and pulled it on as she left the room. Steve was still kind of laying starfish-style on his bed, the sheet haphazardly draped over him.

“What is that?”

Natasha had returned with the folder in her hands and climbed onto the bed to sit beside Steve now that he’d pulled himself up.

“It’s proof,” she explained. “Proof that all that time we spent together was real.”

Steve frowned in confusion and Natasha opened the folder to show him the picture Fury had helpfully handed over. She could see the surprise on his face right away, his eyebrows shooting up as he grabbed for the picture and looked it over.

“How is this possible?”

“Hell if I know,” Natasha answered. “But you know, I don’t think I care.”

“No? Why not?”

Natasha shrugged. “Because no matter how it happened, it happened. And I have you. You’re _here_.”

Steve’s smiled softened and he leaned in for a quick kiss. “You’re right,” he admitted easily. “It doesn’t matter. I’m just glad it happened at all. We belong together.”

Six months later, and one life-altering event later…

“Something has to be going on. Bruce, I swear to God, she’s always got like a ton of cash on her. That can’t be normal. She never had that before! And she’s getting me all these really expensive gifts! Maybe she came into some money? Is SHIELD paying her way more than they’re paying me? Not that I’m jealous or anything, I’m just fucking _curious_ \--”

“Oh, will you stop it already?!”

Tony stood in the doorway frowning at the men sitting on the couch in front of him, though there was a hint of mischievousness in his expression. “You wanna know why Nat’s got money? Huh? You really wanna know? You should take a deep breath before you make your decision because it’s a doozy. Yeah? Still wanna know? Alright, then.”

Without much ceremony, he tossed his tablet Steve’s way and folded his arms over his chest to wait for his reaction, grinning gleefully.

Steve frowned for a moment before looking over the tablet and raising his eyebrows. She had to be kidding. There was no way, no _way_ that she’d actually gone through with this.

“How-- But-- How did she even--?”

“Get the start up capital? Me. I know a money-maker when I see one, old man. She had a pretty decent plan already, I just helped her iron out a few parts.”

Steve stared at him.

“And now I know every vein and every crevice on your dick, so. Guess we’re best friends.”

Bruce blinked in alarm. “Um… I’m not showing you mine.”

“What makes you think I haven’t seen it already?” Tony raised his eyebrows at Bruce before turning back to Steve. “You’ve got everything there. Expense reports, sales reports, and a link to all the products we sell. Under a fake name, obviously. It’d be pretty weird if everyone knew the Avengers were the ones circulating sex toys modeled after themselves.”

“But that’s exactly what you’re doing,” Bruce pointed out.

“Shh, shh, no one knows that.” Tony clapped Bruce on the shoulder.

Steve opened and closed his mouth once, twice, three times before pressing his lips together.

“Uh oh. Are you having a moral breakdown over there? I know this must come as a shock to your delicate sensibilities.”

Steve threw up the middle finger as he tapped the tablet with his other hand and located the list of products available. “My delicate sensibilities want to know how fast I can get one of these delivered.”

Steve was glad he was able to keep the secret for as long as he had; two nights later, he sat in his bedroom with a smug look on his face and waited for Natasha to show up. He waited, and waited, and when she opened the door to join him, all he had to do was smile for her to know something was up.

“What did you--”

Her gaze followed his until they were both staring at the flesh colored dildo sticking up from the hard, polished wood of his dresser. He’d gotten the one with the suction cup on the base, just for effect.

Natasha pressed her lips together and turned back to Steve as she shut the door behind her.

“Stark told you?”

“Yep.”

“You’re not mad, right?”

“I don’t think I could be mad about this if I tried.”

Natasha kicked her shoes off and walked forward, eventually poking the top of the dildo with her index finger. “You’re a top seller,” she told him. “The Captain America dildo is very popular.”

Steve nodded. “I know. I’ve seen the sales reports. Apparently my dick is worth more than I thought; that’s why I decided to buy one to see how it measures up.”

“And does it?”

“Practically a perfect match,” he admitted.

“Well, I took my time going into very specific detail. Tony was beside himself with excitement, pun intended. I wanted it to be very realistic.”

Steve pushed himself up and approached her, moving closer until he was standing right in front of her. “Good. Because I’ve got ideas about what to do with that thing to make _sure_ it’s of the best quality.”

Natasha licked her lips in anticipation and popped the dildo off the dresser. “Lead the way, Captain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone asking, Steve was able to meet John Wayne in heaven and freaked out because he met one of his heroes from film back in the day. He's just a big film nerd, people. I also want to take a moment to thank everyone on behalf of myself and Stardust because this fic has blown up in a way we never expected and it's been absolutely amazing. So thanks for all the love and the art and the comments, we love you guys! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Make sure to let us know what you think in the comments! <3


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